Let's start right off by saying that there is a big difference between playing hard to get and being hard to get.
Most women play at it but don't understand how to really BE the prize. Because that's what it's really all about: You have to make yourself the prize to your man for him to chase you, pursue you, and desire you.
And of course you don't want to play games with him.
But prepare to be surprised. "Hard to get" does NOT mean you're being manipulative!
We're going to take a close look at the strategy of playing hard to get. I will show you secrets that you never learned, and why playing hard to get is the most important thing you can do to make an honest and committed relationship work.
First of all let's talk about PLAYING hard to get versus BEING hard to get...
When you play hard to get, you're playing games with a guy. Yes, you are playing head games and that's why you feel guilty and weird when you do it.
Being hard to get is what most women are playing at. Every woman wants to be hard for him to win.
The problem is when you make yourself too darn easy! And let's face it, most women make it too darn easy.
I'm going to tell you what the reason is for that in a bit…
- Playing hard to get is faking it and living from a scarcity mindset...
What is a scarcity mindset?
Scarcity is the belief that everything in your life is hard to get already. All the stuff you really want is scarce.
It's like the constant feeling of starvation. You're always hungry because you can never be satisfied. You never get what you want.
And at the very least you definitely don't believe you can get what you want. It somehow feels unattainable, just outside of your grasp.
When you play hard to get, it feels weird because most women are faking the attitude. They don't really believe they have the value to BE hard to get.
She won't allow herself to be truly scarce for fear of losing him...!
- BEING hard to get, on the other hand, is being authentic.
What is authentic?
It's when you're acting from you. From your essential personality instead of from manipulative games.
So when you are actually hard to reach on the phone, hard to schedule for a date, hard to find time to get together with, you are genuinely authentically hard to get.
Why do we play "hard to get?"
Typically people play hard to get for one of two reasons:
- Increase attraction - make someone want us more...
- To test the other person - see how interested they really are...
And these strategies are typically done because the other person was viewed as a prize - a real catch.
In most studies, it's been shown that women use hard to get strategies much more often than men. Frankly, most guys don't go "scarce" intentionally. I'll tell you why shortly...
The goal of playing hard to get is this: Making him value YOU as a rare precious gift in his life.
Most women are doing the exact opposite. I'll explain how in a moment...
What are some of the things people do to play "hard to get?"
Here's a short list of some of the strategies that people use to manipulate their availability:
- Acting confidently - trying to appear like a valuable commodity...
- Flirting but then stopping; giving attention but then disappearing - i.e., running hot and cold...
- Limiting self-disclosure - holding back information to stay a mystery...
- Talking to other people, flirting, and even dating other people...
- Making accidental physical contact, but holding back physical affection...
- Withholding sex...
- Teasing, playing games...
- Offering challenge - Making others work to get them and chase them...
- Acting busy, staying busy, and lowering the other person's priority...
- Acting as if not attracted, sometimes disinterested...
- Taking a long time to respond to calls and texts, or not responding at all...
To sum it up, the general strategies of "hard to get" are:
- Having limited availability...
- Sounding busy...
- Being hard to reach...
- Seeking attention but then ignoring it...
- Showing initial interest, and then switching to disinterest...
Now all of these tactics do work. If they're done naturally - meaning that they happened because the circumstances of your life make them true - then it's considered okay.
(I would draw the line on those last two general strategies. I don't think you should use those two on purpose EXCEPT in ONE situation. I'll reveal that later in this article.)
But if these things are done on purpose, they are seen as being manipulative and game playing.
And it's unlikely they will work.
Still, I always felt like this was unfair. I mean, who says whether it's manipulation or reality?
If I don't have time for a date on Thursday, that's considered natural. But if I say I don't have the time and I do, that's considered a game.
In fact, one of the best ways to become a naturally challenging person who has real romantic value is to adopt these habits first to understand what that attitude is like.
But if your first and primary reason for acting this way is to play games with another person, then that is obviously wrong.
Here's Why "hard to get" Works...
Human beings are conditioned to desire things that we can't have. Mostly because for most of our existence everything we want has been hard to get.
- It was hard to find food…
- It was hard to find shelter…
- It was hard to stay alive at all…
If we found a bunch of berries growing wild, we grabbed as many as we could and ate as many as we could because we didn't know when we would see them again.
And we're still like this today.
When we see something that feels rare, we want it. We pursue it. And sometimes we'll do anything to get it.
Just take for example diamonds. Diamonds are perceived to be fairly scarce. And so their value is through the roof. (The truth is that diamonds are actually fairly common, but they are controlled so that we think they are hard to find.)
We will also do almost anything when it comes to love and finding a mate.
So don't be down on yourself if you tend to jump into relationships. Most people feel like love is scarce too.
Sometimes it's hard to pretend you don't want somebody that you feel this strongly about. For most people love is the one thing they want more than anything else in the world.
The reason "hard to get" works is because when we are falling in love we want nothing more than to know the other person loves us back. And if they show some hesitation or doubt, that throws us into a tailspin. We lose our minds and we lose control of our actions.
Here's Why "hard to get" Fails - The Big Mistakes…
Most of the people who try to play hard to get make one of three big mistakes:
MISTAKE: She plays too hard to get...
Some women don't really understand the balance that's necessary to play hard to get effectively. You can't completely disappear or he won't be interested.
A lot of women try to play hard to get without any heart and lose the guy. And then they never want to do it again, choosing instead to be way too available. They chicken out.
If you don't know how to play hard to get, you run the risk of not being available enough for him.
Interestingly, this is not the mistake most women make!
The women that play too hard to get are usually just getting off on the fun of manipulation and making a guy dance like a puppet on strings. She doesn't understand the heartfelt place of wanting this man to value her more.
MISTAKE: She fakes it way too hard...
What I mean by this is, since she doesn't know how to be hard to get in a genuine way, she winds up faking it in weird ways that he senses and knows aren't true.
She makes up stories and lies that don't feel genuine. She plays with him and plays with his heart.
If you're being too fake with this strategy, then it does come across as being manipulative to men.
MISTAKE: She's not really all that hard to get...
This is the one mistake that most women are guilty of doing.
Here's what happens:
She wants to be hard to get, but she really doesn't feel confident in herself. As a result, when push comes to shove, she gives in way too easily.
For example, Susie wants to make sure her new boyfriend understands her value.
She also knows that if she's too easy for him to get, he will not value her. He'll see her as common.
- So one night on the phone, Susie says she won't be available on Friday for a date.
- Her guy asks about Saturday. She says she's not sure, but to check back.
- Near the end of the phone call, her man sounds a little bit distant.
- She doesn't realize that it's because he's worried about not being able to see her. She misinterprets it as him being mad at her.
- Susie loses her nerve. She tells him that she can see him on Friday after all.
What she's done is she has taken all the delightful doubt and tension out of the relationship. All because she was so afraid of disapproval.
Her insecurity completely ruined the effectiveness of hard to get.
And the real killer is that she will probably never try again for fear of pushing him away. Not realizing that men are everywhere, Susie just feels like men are scarce because she doesn't have the skills to make the relationship grow.
Remember on the TV show "Friends?" Rachel and Ross were such a big deal because we always wondered whether or not they would ever get together.
If they had just gotten together right away, do you think the show would've had the same level of popularity?
Probably not. All the romantic tension would've been drained out.
You want your relationship to have some of that same tension.
I'll explain how you do that in the tips ahead…
Should you play hard to get?
Yes, absolutely you should!
However you need to know the rules for this. I'm going to give you 7 very specific tips to help you make it work.
And remember that you should definitely use "hard to get" on a man who has lost his appreciation for you. If you don't, you will probably lose him.
You absolutely will not win him back with niceness.
Do Men Play Hard To Get Too?
I'm often asked about men who play games with women. They feel this way because the man's actions are somewhat disinterested.
The fact is that men do not play hard to get. Men are just naturally aloof. They come across as distant because they don't have the same level of importance on a relationship that women often do.
He's okay with it not working out.
She's scared to death of it. And as a result she undermines her value by being way too easy and just about every single way.
This is the most common power dynamic in relationships. It's called the anxious/ aloof cycle.
The man naturally adopts a more distant stance, and the woman keeps trying to pull him back. Which reinforces to the man that he is in control of the relationship as long as he stays emotionally distant.
And this tug-of-war between them defines their relationship. And almost every relationship from here on out.
So let's talk about how to make "hard to get" work the right way.
Tip #1: Be hard to get not hard to want...
It goes without saying that if you're too distant, or you make yourself too hard to be attained, the man will see this as being frustrating, not challenging.
He wants a challenge, not an impossible situation.
Remember that most men's self-esteem is about where yours is. After a while of struggling to get you into his life, he will just assume that you are too difficult and he will open himself up to other women who are easier.
Which will be his loss because those easier women will not challenge him enough and he will grow tired of them. But it's too late for you, you were a casualty of his laziness.
Remember that 'hard to get' really means "don't be so easy."
You don't want to push him away with an attitude that says you're not interested.
Tip #2: Balance it out...
Part of this dynamic is that you both should be showing interest in each other. It's like a pendulum that swings back and forth.
If he's going to show interest in you, then at some point you will have to balance it out by showing interest in him. Both of you should be putting in an effort to win the other one over.
But that effort doesn't have to always be 24 hours a day/7 days a week.
In fact, the best relationships are like one of those fans that swings back and forth. Sometimes you will put in the effort, sometimes he will. And sometimes you both will at the same time.
Even when you're not both putting in an effort, you should both WANT to put in the effort.
Tip #3: Get a little bit old-fashioned...
When it comes right down to it, the couples that wait the longest to jump in bed are the ones that are ultimately more satisfied with each other.
And those couples that sleep together quickly, tend to break up just as quickly.
It's for the simplest reason of all, and it's one that we can all understand:
- Imagine if every player in every sport got the championship trophy and championship ring at the start of the season. How much work you think they would put in for the rest of the season?
Silly question right?
But the reality is that the reward doesn't come up front.
- We work hardest for that which we have yet to receive...
- Your employer does not pay you for two weeks in advance. They know that you will work hardest for money you haven't been paid....
- The dinner that we wait longest for tastes the best...
The reason more people give in then hold out is because they have not made a commitment to the long run. They're in such a hurry to get the goods that they sacrifice paying the price.
(It's also the simple reason why you don't eat dessert first, no matter how many cute images you put up on Instagram that say this!)
Never give away the one most valuable part of your relationship: Men work hardest to get you into bed!
It's the most important motivational factor there is in a relationship. And yet women every day give it up so easily.
If you're afraid he's going to leave you because you didn't sleep with him quickly enough, then maybe you should consider if you really want a guy that would leave you THAT easily.
If he knows the sex will happen eventually, a man is more than happy to put in the effort and stick with it.
All wonderful things are even more wonderful if you've had to wait for them - or paid a small price for them.
Tip #4: Hire slow - fire fast...
This was one of the bits of advice someone gave me that has stuck with me for over 20 years.
It was the idea that you should take a long time before you hire a person for a job. And you should be very quick to get rid of people who are wrong for it.
Waiting to hire the right person always pays off in a better employee. And firing quickly means that you can find that right employee faster.
The same thing applies to dating and relationships.
You should take a long time before you let that guy into your life. You probably have already had enough experiences to know that most men are not going to be a good fit for you.
And if you find a guy that isn't working out, get rid of them quick. This way both of you can find the person that is right even sooner.
Don't let it drag out to months or years… Or maybe never. The faster you move on, the faster you find The One. Don't waste your time on mediocre candidates.
It's always tempting to jump into a relationship fast. But let my caution slow you down.
If it's right, rushing it won't help...
Tip #5: Don't lose your head...
I believe it's okay to be intentional with these strategies to play hard to get with someone... IF you don't go a little power-mad when it works on your man.
When you get some results with it, will you be happy with that?
Or will you keep playing with him to get more results the next time?
You will be tempted!
Every once in a while, make yourself scarce.
- Cancel a date...
- Wait a few hours to return a call...
- Go quiet on a date if you like...
But don't do it to manipulate the other person. Instead, do it to feel your own personal power and ability to not need his approval.
Men like bitches - NOT because they're ill tempered and nasty; men are manipulated into attraction for Bitches because they are naturally hard to get. But eventually every guy gets tired of her nonsense.
Which is why you have to play it cooler. Don't lose your head!
Tip #6: Know Your Reasons...
This tip goes hand-in-hand with number five. If you know WHY you're using hard to get strategies, you can stop yourself from going too far.
And knowing the reasons why you're using them will ease your conscience that you're doing something wrong.
Again, if you're doing it to help you two get together, then it's absolutely FINE to make yourself a bit scarce from time to time.
Don't ignore his attention, or run hot-and-cold just to mess with him. Those two strategies are not very ethical or heart centered.
However, making yourself scarce to hang out with your friends, your family, or just to spend some time alone is perfectly acceptable. And it sends the right message to him - that you have healthy boundaries about your time.
If you know that you've been too nice in the relationship and he's starting to lose interest, then you should absolutely use these hard to get strategies on him. AND I would even recommend ignoring his attention for a while. In that situation you'd be completely justified!
Tip #7: Every So Often, Step In The Trap...
The key to an effective hard to get strategy is that every so often you must let him catch you. You balance out your 'hard-to-get' by letting him reach you occasionally.
One of the best ways to do this is to shift into rapport with him.
Rapport is simply creating a strong emotional connection.
And the best way to do that with a man is by listening to him!
Simply give him your complete attention every so often. This will draw him in even closer than if you rewarded him with sex.
SHOCKING TRUTH: Most men do not experience deep, connecting communication with women!
If you reward him every so often by giving him that kind of attention, you will get him to fall in love with you. It's been proven in scientific studies that this is all you need to do.
Also remember that playing hard to get won't help you if he already isn't interested in you at least a little bit. He has to have at least some curiosity or attraction for you for any of these "hard to get" scarcity tactics to really work.
If someone isn't attracted to you, or doesn't really feel chemistry for you, no matter how hard it is for you to accept, don't get fixated on him.
However, if you suspect there is a little bit of attraction, there are lots of other strategies that work just as well, and they don't compromise your integrity.
If you're a "nice girl," you probably run into a lot of guys that take advantage of this. Which means you must understand how to use hard to get more than other women.
It's also very likely that because you're so nice it will be harder for you to try these strategies.
In the end, you have to make a man feel irresistible desire for you. All relationships start with a huge spark of desire.
If you're going to be happy with him in a relationship or in a marriage you must kick things off with desire!
The good news is that this can be created by any woman if she understands male psychology. If you know how men think, and what a man wants in a woman, you'll have no problem getting him addicted to you.
The good news is that I just put the finishing touches on a program to teach you exactly how to create irresistible desire in him.
Click here for more on the power of irresistible desire to make a man feel compulsive attraction for you…