If you want to create a relationship of love, trust, and connection, you have to know if your man is being faithful. It's also important to see any signs that he cheated - or if he's thinking of being unfaithful or having an affair.
Some men can stray - and usually not because he's a "bad" person. He strays because he doesn't know how to navigate his own emotions to avoid the temptations. Sometimes a relationship can be tested, and you don't want to lose a good man to a bad situation.
But first - we need to ask a very important question:
What Do You Think Is “Cheating”?
For some people cheating is ANY activity with someone of the opposite sex. For others, it might need to take a romantic overtone.
And for other women, it might require an emotional attachment. Or just physical cheating.
Whatever your definition might be, you are probably pretty sure you know when a guy has been up to no good. You know what your limits are, and you won't let them get out of control.
But one thing you do need to do up front when you get intimate with a man is let him know what you consider acceptable versus not acceptable. If you don't tell him, he can always pull that excuse of “I don't know.”
Yes, we know that's not a legitimate reason. But you don't want to leave your boundaries in your relationship ambiguous or fuzzy.
One of the most common problems I notice in relationships is when these boundaries haven't been talked about.
Mostly because of fear.
- If you have your definition of what cheating is, stick to it.
- Keep your relationship free from the problems of poor boundaries.
- Communicate what you expect from him so that you can expect it from him.
Before we get started here, you need to make sure you realize that everything I point out about men's behaviors when they're cheating are also true about women in the same situation. It's tempting to make men out to be the more unfaithful and least trustworthy or reliable.
If we start believing these ideas about men and cheating, you can create really harmful trust issues for yourself.
When we ascribe a particular behavior to a gender - in this case men - we run the risk of creating prejudice and mistrust.
Just remember that the door swings both ways. Compassion is a better companion than suspicion and fear.
Before we talk about the signs, one thing you must be sure to do is wait until you see at least two or three of these signs before you confront him. One signal on its own is not necessarily enough.
You don't want to go accusing him without good justification. That could cause just as much damage as infidelity might.
Now let's get into the signs that he cheated:
Sign #1: Social media signals
One of the most obvious signals you'll encounter is when you notice something concerning on social media.
For example: If you noticed on Facebook that he is getting tagged in someone else's photos more than usual, or he's commenting on some other woman's wall, you should keep an eye on that.
It's more and more common for people to start flirting through social media, and that's how these kinds of side relationships can start.
Keep your eye on him!
Sign #2: Your instincts are tingling
This one is extremely important. If you find that you have this weird gut feeling that something is going on, that probably means something is going on.
Most women discount their feminine instincts these days. That's a shame because you can trust your gut to give you an alert when something isn't quite right.
Get back to trusting yourself!
If something just feels a little bit off, you should take a closer look at it. Don't ignore your inner voice of wisdom.
When you learn to distrust yourself, it can be very hard to rebuild that relationship again.
Sign #3: He goes “dark” for long time periods
If your man disappears for long periods of time - more than a day or so - that's an indicator that he is preoccupied. If he's normally the kind of person to stay in touch and then he disappears all of a sudden, it's an even more important signal to you.
A conscientious boyfriend or husband will definitely let you know what's going on if they fall out of touch for a longer than usual period of time.
If he doesn't offer up an explanation, you might even want to ask for it. Before you discover months down the road that he had another girlfriend.
Sign #4: Lots of phone love
If he’s spending a lot more time on his phone, that's a big warning right there.
These days our phones have become almost part of us. If he's spending more time than usual on his phone, engaged and smiling at whatever he's doing, you should be curious at the very least.
If you find that he is checking out texts or looking at things on his phone more frequently, it shows that something has changed in his attention.
And that might be another woman.
Sign #5: You’re on the defense
One way that a guilty conscience can show itself is when a guy accuses you of cheating when you're obviously not. Sometimes that's his guilty conscience trying to shift the attention and focus.
It's also a very effective strategy because when you're on the defense you can't be on the offense at the same time.
Eventually though you will smell this one for what it is.
Sign #6: Some changes in the bedroom
If you're noticing that he's not very interested in "whoopy" with you, and your bed has grown cold, this is a sign of relationship problems - even him stepping out on you.
You might think that if he’s cheating, he’s going to want less sex with you.
However, that’s not always true. Sometimes it inspires a lot MORE interest in you, too.
If he's showing you a lot of new moves in bed, that could be a sign that he's been getting experimental outside of your bedroom. Every once in awhile is okay, but if it's a new habit, he picked it up from someone.
Sign #7: Phone protection
If he is suddenly changing the code on this phone frequently, charging it where you can't get to it, or otherwise protecting his phone much much more, that's a big sign.
A guy who is seeing someone else behind your back will keep his phone under lock and key to avoid you accidentally discovering his secret side relationship. This is a change that should be easy to spot.
And you might notice how many signs on this list involved phones. Interesting how they have become the number one tool for infidelity.
Sign #8: Rush to the bathroom
If he comes home to you and immediately goes to take a shower, you might already have figured out why this happened. He's trying to cover something up. Especially if he avoids contact with you before he gets to the shower.
He's trying to wash the scent of another woman off of him.
This is one of the first indications you should watch out for. And if it repeats, there's a good chance he's cheating.
Sign #9: Strange schedule changes
If you're noticing a new pattern of ”activities” for him that he never had, that involved him not staying home, or staying out later, you need to check that out.
This one falls in the category of “watch out for any sudden changes.”
If he suddenly has a new yoga class to go to, or some activity that is difficult for you to verify, it's time for you to verify.
Sign #10: He’s Turtling
If he’s withdrawing from you, pulling back into his shell, that's a warning sign that he might be cheating or having an affair. Especially if he was fairly close to you before.
A sudden change in distance between you and him - especially if you've been dating for more than 6 months - is cause for concern.
Actually, any kind of sudden changes in his behavior should be taken as a warning sign if he hasn't explained what's going on to you. He may not be cheating, but you need to help him open up and explain what's going on.
Don't let it ride just because you don't want to rock the boat. Push him for the sake of your relationship.
Sign #11: Overcompensation
One of the ways that guilt shows up is in how we treat our partner. If you’ve ever had an argument where you felt bad about what you said, then you went and did something nice to “make it up” to them, you know what I’m talking about here.
If he starts buying you a bunch more gifts, being really nice to you, and acting like he's trying to make up with you even if you've not have an argument, you should be wary.
If he's feeling guilty, he may try to make it up to you. And that may be a sign of a guilty conscience.
Sign #12: Lots of jealousy
If you're feeling lots of jealousy, and you're not usually the jealous type, that's a big warning.
That's your instincts telling you you might have something to be jealous about. It's usually the first early warning of problems on the horizon.
If you know you are a jealous type, this sign is probably going to confuse you more than it will tell you anything. So be careful you don't misinterpret your insecurity and shift it to him.
Sign #13: He's upgraded his look and wardrobe
This one is kind of a cliché. But it's still true.
If he changes his look and starts being more concerned about his appearance, he must have someone he's trying to impress.
Especially if he starts to try to lose weight. When he hits the gym pretty hard without a good reason, you know what the good reason is.
Sign #14: He starts hiding the money
Inevitably, having an affair or cheating means you're going to be spending money on things you don't want your partner to find out about.
This is usually why a guy starts hiding the finances. He might start grabbing the credit card bills so that you can't see them. Or even the bank statements.
If you notice that he's trying to cover up how the money is being spent, it's time for you to investigate.
Sign #15: You start feeling hidden
Another behavior a guy will start to show is when he tries to cover up your presence in his life.
He might stop tagging you on Facebook and pictures, he may stop taking you to company parties, generally hiding you from the world. He may stop posting photos of you two together online.
After all, he doesn't want others to know about you if he's cheating on you.
He may even just be setting himself up to find a new relationship.
Just remember this:
“Happy couples are happy to be seen together all the time…” - Carlos Cavallo
Sign #16: You ask your friend and they say yes
Here's another Ugly Truth: Other people can usually see what's going on clearer than you can.
If you ask your girlfriend if she thinks your boyfriend is cheating and she says yes or possibly, you should really take a closer look.
The same goes for your family. If you ask your mom and she shows concern, you probably have a reason to be concerned.
Sign #17: His Friends Are Cheaters
Look, there's no denying the saying:
Birds of a feather DO flock together.
If you're aware that your husband or boyfriend hangs out with friends who have a "less than honest" way with their girlfriends (i.e., they run around on them), you are going to have to either separate him from them (which could get ugly), or you're going to have to keep a REALLY sharp eye on him.
And THEN start to separate him from them gradually.
But one way or another, you have to remember that a man's peer group has the greatest influence over him. He needs friends, but if he's going to be a reliable man for you, he has to have honorable friends. The right kind of friends that will help support you as a couple.
Sign #18: You start smelling the lying
If you're starting to detect that he's telling more and more lies to you, You should be concerned that he could be cheating on you.
Some of the kinds of Lies you might see are:
- Places he’s been
- People he’s been hanging out with
- Who he’s calling
- Who he’s texting
- And so on… (nothing is too sacred to lie about)
Sometimes the lies just become addictive. Part of the insane spiral of bad behavior that accompanies an affair.
After all, part of the fun of cheating sometimes is the secretive side of it. And then the lying becomes a habit for him that he can't stop.
Sign #19: It’s Story Time!
Watch out for him to contrive stories as well. Technically this is yet another form of lying.
He will often create convoluted stories to explain things to you. Typically his whereabouts and activities when he's out with his “friends.” (i.e., HER.)
There's a lot of signs that a story is made up.
- Too much detail
- Too little detail
- Weird body language
- Eye motion
If you think he's making up stories, rather than challenge him you may want to simply go along with it for now and watch his behavior closely.
Sign #20: Picking fights
One of the most obvious indicators that he's cheating is when he's trying to pick fights with you. He may even appear obviously trying to break up with you this way.
Because, in some way, he is trying to push you away. Give you enough reason to walk away so he doesn't have to do the Dirty Work of breaking up with you. Or admitting that he was cheating.
If you notice that he's starting a lot of fights, call him on it. Ask him why he's doing it, and then watch his body language as he's confronted. You'll be able to tell immediately if it's just that he's looking to get out of the relationship, or if he's actually cheating.
Remember that the best way to keep your man faithful to you is to create a relationship he would never want to lose.
I call this the Preventative Maintenance Plan for relationships, and it works much better than waiting for a mistake to cause a problem down the road.
It's like your health: If you eat well and exercise now, you will stay healthy for a long time.
If you neglect your health, it's unlikely you can ever earn it back again.
Stay ahead of problems and you can have him love you forever.
Try To Avoid A Setup...
One thing you want to avoid is setting him up.
A setup is when you lay a trap for him to catch him in a lie or a story or a situation that would reveal the truth.
You can set him up later. But if you want to maintain Goodwill in your relationship, you should start by talking to him one-to-one. Try to be in physical contact with him (hand on his arm), and then share your observations and your concerns with him.
If you can compassionately and calmly present him with the truth, and he doesn't think you're going to freak out on him, there's a good chance he will simply open up and tell you what's going on.
Especially if it's been going on for a long time. The stress of cheating wears on him. He will be eager to confess.
However, if you sense that he has a big ego he's protecting, or if he's too invested in his 'second girlfriend lifestyle,' you may want to just quickly Fast Forward by catching him in a lie - or in the act. A setup is fine if you see no other way to find out the truth.
Whatever you do, make sure you avoid any kind of physical confrontation. This could not only be dangerous, but potentially harmful if you want to try and save the relationship.
What do you do if you think he is cheating?
First of all, make sure you know for sure what's going on. You don't want to accuse him in error and risk that embarrassment. Plus it could also hurt his trust for you.
If you feel reasonably certain - 80% or higher - that he is seeing another woman, you must put your foot down and confront it. The longer you wait, the more damage your relationship will sustain. And the more likely you won't make it through.
Everyone in the world is capable of cheating.
If you found yourself saying, “No way, Carlos!” - Then you are even more likely to cheat!
Why? Because this shows you have a blind spot in your own behavior that you're covering up with the illusion of resolve.
The more we allow ourselves to accept that while cheating is a damaging betrayal, we can also realize it's not the end of the world. And not only is it common, it can also be prevented.
The first step to prevention is awareness.
And for you to be aware of him, you've got to know what he's feeling most of the time.
You got to have your finger on the pulse of your relationship so that you can see things coming before they arrive.
You gotta be able to READ HIM like a book.
This is something you probably didn't learn from your friends, or your mom... That's what I am here to show you!
If you want to know what he's thinking - sometimes even before he thinks it - you have to be able to read a man's signals.
I just put the finishing touches on a method that will show you exactly how to do this.
It's called: How To Read His Signals - Instantly Know What He Really Wants From You