What could possibly make a man decide to leave his wife and family? What makes a man leave his wife for another woman?
As a coach and counselor for women on dating and relationships, I often run into situations where a marriage has ended in divorce. And there's always the question about what reasons a husband has to leave his wife or girlfriend and end a long-term relationship.
A woman can feel betrayed in her marriage when this happens, and it can leave deep emotional scars. Especially if she was in a happy marriage with a family.
And some women I coach are also dating a married man and want to know: What are the signs he will leave his wife for you, if you are the other woman?
Even though women leave men at a slightly higher rate, it seems to be much more painful for women to deal with this kind of trauma in their lives.
You may have cause for concern in your own marriage. Your boyfriend or husband may be showing you signs that there's another woman in his life.
You need to know what he intends to do about all of it. And you sure as heck want to know if he intends to leave you.
Because that's the statistics are not pretty about the divorce rate: Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
The answers and reasons I'm about to show you might surprise you. Here is some advice for a woman who wants to save her marriage - or her relationship.
And make sure you stick around to the very end. I'll tell you a little bit about how you save your relationship. Because if you don't do something, the situation will only get worse.
Is He Leaving? Sign 1: No Appreciation
Most men show their love with acts of Love. They will help you out, give you advice, take action where needed.
And one of the things he looks for is appreciation for his showing love in this way. A man needs your acknowledgement and feelings of gratitude.
Frequently, women do not see men's behavior as “loving” - misinterpreting it as ego or something else because it's not how she would express it.
What this does is it leaves a man in a situation where he's not getting appreciated for the love he's showing. He doesn't know that she's not seeing what he's doing as love, so he just feels rejected on an emotional level.
This is a lot more common than most women are aware.
Of course both of you have a need for appreciation. I'm not saying he shouldn't appreciate you.
But this article is not about how to get your boyfriend or husband to appreciate you, it's about recognizing the reasons for him pulling away from your relationship or your marriage.
One of the best things you can do in your relationship is to set aside time to recognize the things you're missing when it comes to appreciating your partner. Sometimes you have to have the other person point out where they were loving you if you're not seeing it.
Of course it makes it a lot easier when you can recognize the other person's love & feelings right off the bat. But some relationships start out with a period of getting to know the other person's communication style when it comes to love.
Be on the lookout for his acts of love and appreciate them in your family and your lives.
Sign 2: Money Money…
You're probably aware that money is one of the biggest reasons for contention and struggle within a marriage or long-term relationship. If you're not on the same page as him with respect to spending, you should spend some time to get that straightened out.
Women and men often have very different feelings about how money works within a relationship. You can't take this for granted. Most couples wait until this becomes a problem instead of facing it head on.
Differing views on money and finance?
You must know how your partner sees their spending habits. And how you can come to some mutual understanding to avoid conflict over money.
Some of the areas about money you should discuss are:
Budgets - how much you spent on what
Savings - how much to save - and on what
Recreational spending - what to spend on fun & experiences
Retirement - what are your goals for money later in life?
Again most people do not tackle these difficult decisions upfront in their relationships before they get married to their spouse. And it's no surprise when it comes up again later and husbands and wives still haven't figure out how to solve their negative feelings.
Talk about money early on. Figure out how you will handle your money together.
Sign 3: Infidelity…
I don't like the term “cheating.” It's often a very harsh indictment that is driven by anger and betrayal. Both of which are legitimate emotions to feel, of course.
BUT the truth of the matter is that both men and women cheat in about the same numbers.
And the person who is “cheating” is NOT doing it to hurt the other person - no matter how much it might seem that way!
They're doing it to get their needs met.
To get their DESIRES met.
It's very tempting to take this sort of thing as a personal attack, but it really is just one other person trying to be happy. In any way they can.
They may not be doing it the right way, but it's not a deliberate act of malice. They really crave intimacy.
Now the interesting thing about infidelity is that it's not really the reason why a man decides to leave his wife. It may be the crisis event, but it's not THE reason he leaves.
In reality, it was both of them. Two people not communicating well, not connecting well, and not devoting themselves to the goal of a healthy relationship and family.
Sure, it may feel like one person was more of a victim in the relationship than the other...
In truth, it was always both of them.
Perhaps they were not well matched, or they didn't have the right skills, or they were just taking their relationship too far. Maybe it just should have stayed a short fling and ended before there were feelings.
Whatever the reasons, the cheating was caused by problems and events that started way before the infidelity.
In other words blaming a cheating partner on the end of a relationship is like blaming a car for breaking down. It's really more about the maintenance and paying attention to how well things are running in your marriage and your family.
Sign 4: Changes
Let's face it people change. And FEELINGS change.
Sometimes we grow together as partners, and sometimes in different directions. What I’m talking about here is obviously growing apart.
This happens frequently in marriages where the couple got together at a very early age, or they simply didn't know enough about where the husband or wife was heading. Unfortunately, this often ends in divorce.
But this can be overcome simply by communicating well. And making sure that your self-esteem does not feel threatened by the other person's self-growth and development. In the end, that's what gets in the way most of all.
Not the fact that they are changing, but that their change seems to threaten us.
If you're communicating regularly, and you're connecting with your partner regularly, you will have a distinct advantage in your relationship- and your intimacy. You'll notice when things change and you'll know what to do about them.
Sign 5: Communication Issues
And communication issues are usually just acting up from insecurities and unresolved personal issues
The Ugly Truth is that many marriages try to cover up the issues that they don't want to deal with.
There's a failure to communicate.
It's much easier to date somebody who gives you a sense of self-worth then it is to spend a bunch of hours with a therapist or counselor working out your inner demons. (Or consulting with a divorce attorney.)
One thing every person needs to do when they're in a relationship is seek a little bit of outside feedback.
You don't have to jump into therapy, but it sure is a good idea if you know you have stuff to heal and get it resolved. If you want a happy marriage, you have no choice.
At the very least talk to your family, friends you trust and you know have a clear understanding of what's going on. Not just somebody who will agree with you on everything. That kind of relationship to me is boring, because it’s not challenging. (And it's delusional in many ways too.)
Sign 6: Intimacy Issues
Yes, what I'm talking about here is more along the lines of physical intimacy - in the bedroom. Your sex life is one of the common reasons for a man to stray out of your marriage or relationship.
When there are physical issues that come up between two people in a relationship, they can be pretty significant.
But again, just like with infidelity, these issues can be tackled and handled in marriages - IF they are caught early on.
But the most crippling and destructive force in relationships is complacency. The willingness to pretend something isn't happening that obviously is.
And it's usually this complacency that creates a marriage destined to fail. When one or both people in the relationship refused to confront the issues when they come up instead of pretending they're not there.
Sex life problems are no different.
When those needs are not getting met, that's when we start seeking our own solution outside our marriages.
Very often this particular problem shows up when a man interprets a woman's sex drive differently, not understanding how women approach intimacy.
Of course the fear each person holds inside is that their partner is no longer attracted to them. And this is usually NOT the case.
But this begins a silent war of inattention and disconnection.
Sign 7: Needs Aren’t Recognized
All relationships go through a tough time now and again. It's only natural.
But when your needs aren't seen, or his needs aren't visible, that's when problems can really show up.
We all want to be seen...
Each person in a relationship needs their needs validated and seen.
We need to know that what we want in a relationship is both acceptable and known.
But if we suspect that our partner isn't noticing or caring about our needs, that's when we start to protect ourselves. Instead of being vulnerable and resolving the issue, we put up our shields in marriages.
And if there isn't some kind of corrective action taken - like couples therapy or counseling - then one or both of them might feel that the situation is hopeless.
It's not hopeless because there is no hope; it's hopeless because neither the man or woman has the skill to navigate their way out of their problems.
“But What If I Am The ‘Other Woman’? Will he leave his wife for me?”
So what do you do if you are The Other Woman wondering if he will leave his wife for you?
First off, you have to realize the situation you are in.
FIRST: Your emotions might have you completely wrapped up in this man. You know he's in the arms of another woman, whether or not he's actually in love with her. Your jealousy probably pokes at you every single day.
All you think about is how you and him can be together. Sometimes without even asking the question: Should we be together?
SECOND: He is split in two.
This guy is not really a good candidate for a relationship.
Why? Because he's already in a relationship.
That might sound a little bit silly to say, but you'd be surprised how many people don't think about this really when they get into an affair.
He may have children from his marriage, and he has an established lifestyle with his wife. As much as you may want to believe he will leave her for you, in all likelihood he will not.
In fact, many women find that they turn out to be just a catalyst - someone who inspires him to get out of his marriage, but he doesn't end up staying with her - his ‘mistress,’ if you’ll forgive the term.
The best thing you can do is to look at what got you into this relationship in the first place.
Why did you choose an unavailable man?
You might tell yourself otherwise, but the truth is that he is not available.
The only way he will leave his wife for you is if:
His marriage is so horrible that it's a complete nightmare (kind of rare)
You and he forge an unbreakable connection that not only supports him, but sustains you and your emotional needs as well (also pretty rare, sorry to say)
The best thing you can possibly do is to put this relationship on hold until he leaves his wife.
And even then, he would still need months - perhaps a year or more - to heal from his broken marriage. Because every breakup requires time to heal the emotions.
And men probably take longer given that we don't understand our emotions as well as women do. So you might consider that you could be waiting for a while to inherit a healthy whole man - much less him being ready to be a husband all over again.
Now of course I'm not so naive to believe that you would wait around. I know darn well most women would jump right into a relationship with this guy. The unfortunate thing is that it probably won't work out.
I'm not saying this because I believe there's anything inherently wrong in what happened. But the fact of the matter is that a man fresh out of a marriage is not a good partner.
But in the end the most important thing is to know what to do when you think he might be leaving you.
Let’s start with the first tip to get him back:
Be patient and understanding...
The critical skill for relationships is empathy...
EMPATHY = the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
But that’s not all.
The truth is there are three different forms of empathy :
Cognitive Empathy - This is the kind of empathy where you understand another person's experience. Like the saying: “Walk in another person’s shoes” or “understand their perspective”
Emotional Empathy - This is where you actually experience the other person's emotions. Usually this is not very productive and difficult to work with.
Compassionate empathy - This is where you feel someone's pain and take action to help them out.
It's that last one that is probably the most important one.
Ask yourself:Do you feel his pain? And can you separate yourself from it to help him as best you can?
Because in order for him to come around and re-invest himself in your relationship again, he's going to need to know that you are on his side.
Men can be difficult to reach. There's no doubt about that.
But if you think that he is flawed because he doesn't speak his feelings the way a woman would, that could hold you back.
Which brings me to the most important tip to bring him back to you:
You must know how to connect with him.
The only thing you can do that will guarantee the connection between you and him is to know how he feels connected to you!
If you don't know, it's only a matter of time before he will start to look for that connection somewhere else.
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