START HERE - RELATIONSHIP GUIDES:
Relationship Tips & Advice
Sometimes it seems like getting a man to be honest with you in your relationship is nearly impossible. And you might find yourself wondering why men lie to you.
Well, there is no single reason men lie. I wish I could just tell you there was ONE cause, then we could all go and fix it in our relationship. But - there isn't always a single reason for his romantic deception.
A man lies to you for a variety of reasons.
Let's start out with:
The first kind of lie a man tells is -
An example of a "Whoopsie Lie" is one where you ask him where he went with his guy friends, and he says he went to Garibaldi's Pub. And then you find out later he really went to Jack's Brewhouse.
Some might see that oversight as a lie or deception. But to him it was simply a combination of an extra drink with his not really caring about the details.
So be careful of assuming that this Whoopsie Lie is the same as him lying to cover something up. Very often it's not an important detail.
Guys are very focused on status.
This is such a prevalent form of lie for both men and women that it's very likely you've "stretched the truth" to be seen in a better light.
Men lie to look more "high-status." To a man, it's all about the status and where he feels like he fits on the social pyramid. And yes, he will protect that status by lying.
We all do this one, because we all want to avoid feeling embarrassed. It's very directly related to Lie #2 about status, only this one is simply to keep a man from looking foolish.
He might lie to avoid letting you know he tripped and fell on his backside in front of a group of friends, so he says he was "tripped."
Confession: I remember once having had a bit too much to drink and walking into a glass door. I shook it off fast and left as soon as I could to avoid embarrassment and never told anyone until now.
When it comes down to it, a guy wants to feel like a guy.
Like... a man.
And in today's world, it's getting harder and harder for men to feel this way. From the label of "toxic masculinity" to all kinds of criticism of men, it's hard for a lot of guys to feel "safe." (And if anyone is thinking: 'Good! They get to experience it for once!' - keep in mind that two Wrongs never makes a Right!)
A popular example of this would be his "number." As in, the number of women he's slept with. He'll always inflate that number slightly to look more like a manly man.
There are plenty of other places a man will lie to retain his feeling of masculinity, such as stories that brag or embellish his accomplishments.
These little deceptions are best left alone. Pointing them out to him - or others - will only push him away.
In a relationship, there will be times when a guy feels as though he is "damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't." Meaning that he won't win no matter what he does.
He feels cornered...
And very often, a woman puts him in this predicament.
For example, maybe you ask him if he's going to "play that video game all night long?" Which is a sarcastic way of actually saying: "Can you pay some attention to me?"
Women are much more indirect with their communication style. Most women want to avoid direct accusations, and avoid confrontations. This behavior is rewarded from interacting with other women. But it's not rewarded when communicating with men.
And that's where a lot of men don't understand what to do. He feels caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place.
When a man doesn't feel like you're really listening or believing him, he'll just conclude that he's not going to be heard and should just save himself the effort by avoiding the conversation.
For example: If a guy says he's not ready to make a commitment, and you keep acting as if he will commit if you just keep showing him how awesome you are.
This is a case of "not hearing him." And it pushes him to do what he must to be true to himself.
It doesn't really matter how much you feel you have riding on the relationship. You have to hear what he's saying and really take in his words as his Truth.
Now, even if you can identify his deception, there's still something you want to know:
Men's lies are rarely ever to hurt or cause pain. In fact, almost nobody ever lies to deliberately hurt another person. It's not even on their radar in that moment of telling the lie.
It's all about self-preservation!
What he's thinking about is simply this:
"How can I avoid being embarrassed - or causing her pain?"
And that right there is the reason that men lie:
Sure, there are guys that lie about their affairs, but truthfully so do women. Who wouldn't?
But in the end, our primary reasons for lying are usually to keep a painful truth away from someone we love.
I'm not going to go into huge detail on this, as I've written a great article for you about it Here...
But suffice to say there are just a few of the warning signals that a guy is lying:
I've got many more of these explained in detail in the other article.
But the most important one is - of course - to trust your gut.
Women have a VERY accurate B.S. detector when it comes to this stuff, because you've been practicing your whole life on your friends and family. And you've probably polished your own ability to cover up those things you'd like to hide yourself.
Trust your instincts!
But the real question is:
First of all, make sure you take a moment to acknowledge and handle some of the pain and hurt of this kind of deception in your relationship. If you don't allow yourself to take it in, you run the risk of going into denial of your feelings.
I've had to counsel men on this same thing, because the experience is not uniquely a female one.
It can be really hard to accept that the person you trust and hold so dearly would tell you something to mislead you. His intention might not have been (and probably isn't) to mislead you, but it still feels very raw and painful to experience anyway.
It feels like betrayal. But ask yourself - would you do any different if you were in his emotional situation?
There's a very simple cure for a man who you feel isn't being honest in your relationship:
That last one is a doozie! Most women rush in to close the gap if they feel like there's too much space in their relationship. They're afraid that if they let him too far out of sight, he'll get in trouble and she'll lose him.
Of course, part of the reason I started this site and offer my programs is to help you get past that hurdle of knowing HOW to make him feel heard.
He'll think about you night and day...
If you want to know more about how to make him feel that kind of connection to you, here's an article you MUST read...