When a guy disappears on you it's one of the most annoying things that can happen when dating. Especially if you started liking him and thought “This one might be different!” And now all you can wonder is - Why do guys ghost?
You know the situation:
- You've been talking to him for a while.
- He seems really interested in you.
- And then all of a sudden, POOF! He's gone.
No more texts, no more calls, he disappears off the face of the Earth.
As it turns out, there are reasons why a guy does this. And I'm going to reveal them here.
But you need to sit down and prepare yourself for the truth. The truth is my specialty, and I don't shy away from it. That's why women come to me for the real answers why they don't have the relationship they want. Or deserve.
One of these ugly truths is that you have probably ghosted someone yourself.
In fact, most of us have. Even before there was texting, people have been ghosting. I'm fairly sure that there was a caveman named Gorg that left the cave one day and never came back.
The reason that getting ghosted feels so hurtful is that you had started to awaken your own hope and desire for him, and now you feel abandoned and hurt. It can awaken a bunch of abandonment issues in you, as well as other feelings of insecurity.
Bottom line: It ain't pretty.
Some folks might tell you that it's all HIS fault. Guys are just inconsiderate and do this to women all the time.
I call this the “blame him” syndrome. It’s popular because men are often vilified as the obstacle in relationships. While guys aren’t as good at the nuts and bolts of relationships, they want a committed relationship just as much as you do.
Look, I’m not going to apologize for men’s bad behavior. There’s plenty of “bad actors” out there, for sure.
But they are NOT in the majority.
And as we know, blaming is not always the truth. In fact, it rarely is.
"If you believe that men are simply inconsiderate, you overlook the real reason why this happens and it will keep happening to you." - Carlos Cavallo
Remember I'm here to help you be successful, not lie to you!
There are two primary reasons why a man will ghost you:
- He was “pushed” away
- He “ran” away
Allow me to explain…
While men are often viewed as being very active in their lives, they are very frequently passive within relationships. Mostly because he feels incompetent at them. He doesn't understand how women think, or how relationships should work.
After all, relationships are fairly simple for a guy. His needs are not quite as complicated as a woman's are usually. So he usually spends most of his time trying to figure out how to make YOU happy.
As a result, men can be very “sit back and watch” when it comes to relationships. Guys aren't exactly sure what makes a relationship work, but they are fairly intuitive at figuring out if it won't work out with you.
If he feels like you're not going to mesh well with his life, he will feel “pushed” away.
And if he doesn't feel like he can make you happy, he will simply leave. This is why men “run away” from a relationship. And a big reason why he ghosts you.
We're going to avoid blaming here so that I can tell you the real truth about what men experience from women in relationships. Even if you haven't been dating all that long, these are very important for you to know.
Especially if you're having trouble getting past that first month or two of a relationship. This is a very common “wall” for women that they can't get past.
Why He Ghosts You - REASON 1: He found someone else
Might as well get the tough one out of the way right off the bat.
Most often, a man will try to date as many women as he possibly can. And then he picks the one that matches him the best. Any other women that he may have encountered in that time he simply forgets about. He'll stop texting, calling, etc.
It's not that he is actively disrespecting you. It's not that he's trying to hurt you. From his perspective, he simply is making the best choice for him and his love life.
Even if you felt like he was an awesome catch, that doesn't mean that he notices how great you were together. Of course, this doesn't diminish your value, so you have to be willing to let these guys go.
REASON 2: He doesn't have good communication skills
If a guy simply doesn't want to pursue a connection, for whatever reason, he may simply run out of ideas how to break off the relationship. He may have had genuine feelings for you, but been unable to communicate his reasons for needing to leave.
So he just ghosts you.
A lot of men simply don't have the vocabulary for good relationship communication skills. It's not something guys work on as they grow up, so this ability atrophies.
And this is another reason why men need your help when it comes to communication within the relationship.
REASON 3: He Isn't Good At “Awkward”
There are MANY people out there (men AND women) who simply don't like awkwardness. (I'm not crazy about it - are you?)
The problem is that most all social situations are a little bit awkward when you get right down to it.
And breakups are the Big Kahuna of AWKWARD.
So a guy will simply avoid contacting you if he isn't feeling anything special in your connection.
His feelings of awkwardness override any consideration of your feelings, and so he will stop communicating to avoid an awkward communication.
REASON 4: He got spooked
Some women give off signals that men pick up fairly early on. Even though men are typically typecast as not having good relationship skills, the truth is that men have very good instincts when it comes to relationships. They may not be able to put them into words, but they feel them.
One thing a guy can feel fairly easily is if a woman is giving off signals of neediness or insecurity. He can pick right up on that.
And the reason is, unfortunately, a guy will run into many women who want a relationship more than they want the man they are currently dating. Meaning that she really just wants a relationship and to not be alone.
You may not even realize that you're giving off these signals. It's mostly unintentional.
REASON 5: He doesn’t think you’re The One
Another thing that men have good instincts about is whether or not you'll make a good long-term partner for him. From HIS point of view.
Believe it or not, almost every single guy is looking at a woman in terms of whether or not she'd make a great girlfriend / wife for him. You might make the mistake of thinking he's trying to avoid commitment, but -
A man only avoids commitment with the women that he doesn't feel are right for him.
And I think you'd agree, that's totally valid.
This is another place where men rely on their instincts.
A man also relies on his past experience in previous relationships.
Interestingly, men do have really good instincts when it comes to signals a woman gives off in a relationship. He may not be able to explain them as well as you can, but he can sense them.
If a guy doesn't feel like you are the one for him, and he doesn't know or have the skills to end the relationship politely, he may just ghost you.
REASON 6: He has relationship anxiety
This is probably true for most of us. We all experience some form of anxiety in relationships, usually related to our sense of self. If you are very stable and grounded, with a high level of self-esteem, you will probably not be as anxious in a relationship.
However, most people do not have that level of self-esteem. They feel judged, evaluated, exposed, and vulnerable in relationships.
Which, as you might expect, leads to some anxiety.
And guys just don't have a high level of competence at relationship communications. So a guy is going to feel anxious about a relationship in direct proportion to how in control he feels.
And when it comes to women versus men in this situation, there's really no comparison. Men just don't feel stable and grounded in a relationship when women are more savvy at the mechanics of relationships.
Honestly, he feels out of control. Which is why men very often defer to women in the relationship.
REASON 7: He's not a multi-tasker
Men cannot handle too many complications in their life at once. In fact, three is our absolute limit, for the most part. If he's got three stressful things going on, he's got NO room for anything else.
Heck, ONE stressful thing will completely hijack his attention. And that's enough to stress us out.
If a guy has something going on that is stressful or demands a lot from him, he won't have much attention to place on you - or a relationship. In fact, a relationship will probably overload him.
He probably doesn't want to lose the relationship, but he doesn't know how to communicate his situation to you. So he simply disappears.
He may be going through a personal issue of his own.
Think back to conversations you had about his life or his current situation, and see if you can remember something he may have mentioned that you didn't pick up on. He may have minimized it, but it might have been a really big deal.
He could have had a death, lost his job, money problems, or any number personal issues.
If he's dealing with something big, chances are he doesn't want to deal with a relationship at the exact same time. No matter how much you might think you could help him with it, he won't see it as helping him where he is.
Don't try to force him - give him space, and support him, and he'll be back after it's taken care of.
REASON 8: He didn't feel safe with you
Believe it or not, safety is a very important part of a relationship to a man. Not his physical safety, really. It's more about his emotional safety.
While men are not physically abused as much as women are, emotional abuse is actually quite common against men in relationships. Very often it exists as a low hum of unhappiness.
Men feel coerced and controlled frequently within relationships. Sometimes it's his fault for not stepping up and standing his ground. But very often it can be an unhealthy dynamic in communication.
Be very careful about dismissing this particular reason as being a 'myth.' The fact is that many men feel emotionally at a disadvantage in their relationships. This often leads to feelings of anxiety and depression.
REASON 9: He's got issues
You know the issues right?
- abandonment issues
- emotional issues
- attachment issues
- commitment issues
- vulnerability issues
- availability issues
Yes, guys have every imaginable issue out there. But not every man has an issue.
You can usually spot his issues in his behavior early on. The warning signs are almost always there.
And you can also see his issues in how he handles other relationships, like his family and friends.
Always be on the lookout for signs and signals for his level of emotional maturity.
Let's face it, not every guy is going to be able to be there in a relationship with you.
So while every self-help book would have you believe that his issues are really what's getting in your way, make sure you really take a good close look at what's going on.
When a guy ghosts you, he's responding to something he's feeling.
Which means it's real to him.
REASON 10: He just sucks at communication
Every so often you’ll start dating a guy who is just a really terrible communicator.
It might even happen to be that you really like to text him, and he hates texting with a passion. (There are more guys like this than you know.) In this situation, it might seem like he's ghosting you when he's really not.
When he disappears from your life, it could be a simple case of incompatible communication channels.
REASON 11: That was all he was looking for...
Yes, there are quite a few guys out there who don't want a relationship. They really would like to have the physical intimacy (sex) but they're not interested in making a relationship of it.
The key here is to recognize these guys in advance - and avoid them if that's not what you want.
Remember that it's not wrong for him to want this as long as he is upfront about his intentions at the very start.
And you might notice that you reinterpret or misinterpret those intentions on purpose. Especially if you want - really want - a committed relationship.
And remember also that if you were particularly easy - i.e., you had sex on the first or second date - you played right along with what he was looking for.
Make sure that you're sending the right message with your own behavior. If you disregard your own needs to entrap a man, you will often get this kind of result where he just ghosts you.
Just a note here - This is the most common reason a guy will ghost you. He felt that you were just going to be an easy lay, and that immediately disqualified you from being a serious candidate for a relationship. He’ll just see you as a friends-with-benefits gal.
However you might feel about that, it’s true about men. If you sleep with him too soon, you’re going to have a long, difficult road to turning it around into a relationship.
REASON 12: Your signals were confusing him
You might think you're communicating your interest in a relationship with him, but perhaps you were sending mixed messages.
One of the most common areas of confusion is when a woman doesn't really make her interest CLEARLY known to a guy. And then he gets tired of feeling confused about her interest or a lack of interest and just disappears on her.
Some women just aren't available. Or she's not as available as she thinks she is. And this comes out in her behavior.
And of course this also confuses him. Guys are already confused enough by relationships, they don't want to be confused about your interest in him. He needs to feel hope to keep fighting forward!
REASON 13: He thinks you're crazy
Sorry, but I have to throw this one in the ring. Chances are if you're reading this article, you're probably not that crazy.
Or... maybe you are a little nuts.
However, many guys ghost a woman they've been dating when the opportunity comes just to break it off. If he feels like there might be emotional repercussions - of the 'crazy' variety - he will simply ghost you to avoid anything crazy happening.
Like stalking or other unstable behavior.
Sometimes guys label you as crazy just to have an excuse for leaving a relationship. (I’ve done this myself to many women in the past.)
After all, it's easier to blame the other person than ourselves.
REASON 14: Too much too soon
Guys are very easily overwhelmed at the start of a relationship. You have to be careful about how much emotion you communicate to him.
No matter how much of a magical connection you feel like you have with him, you got to keep that to yourself.
He may not realize it yet. He may not even see it at all. And even if you're the most intuitive, empathic woman on the planet, that doesn't mean he's going to believe you that you're both “destined to be.”
Let's face it: The stereotype of “women who come on too strong to get a commitment” is well-known. And stereotypes exist because they are partly true.
If we're being perfectly honest, stereotypes are frequently true!
- So do your best to contain your excitement for the new relationship.
- Don't become unhealthily attached.
- Give the relationship a chance to bloom and blossom.
In other words, you can't go too slow from the man's point of view.
SECRET TIP: What you consider “slow” is probably just right for him!
Pace yourself and recognize that men are going to work a little slower at realizing that you're his soulmate. Give him a chance to find it out for himself.
REASON 15: He felt misled or lied to
Many times in a relationship, a guy feels like he's discovering things that were not communicated to him clearly in advance. He might feel a bit misled about the person you presented to him.
Look, we all want to put on our best appearance to win over a person we think is a “catch.”
But you have to be as honest as you can about who you are and what you want.
No, this does NOT contradict the previous reason where I told you to slow down and not admit your instant infatuation with him. Slowly revealing yourself is not a lie or dishonest.
It’s called prudence.
Think about the last person who unloaded their entire history on you in the space of a day or so and remember how turned off you felt.
REASON 16: He doesn't think you share the same vision of the future
Some men are already thinking about the future they have in mind. They may want kids, or they may not want kids. He may be ambitious, or you may not be ambitious.
But if he thinks that you do not share that same path or destiny, he will simply retreat or disappear on you. He doesn't want to get into big philosophical discussions about it, he just senses that you're not on the same path.
And you know what? Maybe he's right.
You may not want to see it that way, but it might be true.
REASON 17: He’s playing the field
In today's dating market, all you have to do is swipe your finger across your phone screen to meet somebody new. That lowers the bar quite a bit.
If a guy wants to play the field, it's never been easier for him to do that. All he's got to do is jump right back on a dating app.
This is why it pays to meet men through as many different methods as possible. You can meet people online, or through apps.
But just recognize that the easier the method to meet him, sometimes the less devoted or into a long term relationship he will be.
BONUS REASON 18: He thinks you're "BTN"
A "BTN" is a "better than nothing."
Trust me, I know how awful that sounds. But we've all hung out in a relationship at one time or another simply because we were waiting on something better to come along.
Maybe the relationship was a bit boring, maybe it wasn't all that great for chemistry. But until he finds an upgrade, you'll do.
YES - it really sucks to have someone do this to you and not tell you the truth. But keep in mind that sometimes he wasn't aware of it until he found the "better option."
Again, let's not pretend guys are the only ones to do this. I've been dumped before by women that were just keeping me around for a "boy toy."
BONUS REASON: He thinks you're "too good for him."
Actually, this is never the case. But he might say that to you to make you feel better.
Just don't fall for it. No one really stops dating someone they think is out of their league. They just end up sabotaging the relationship beyond repair all on their own.
YOUR REASON: He's a narcissistic, selfish jerk who just doesn’t care if he hurts people.
I'm betting this is the reason you may have thought most of the time. Thankfully, it's rarely ever true. Sometimes, yes. But not nearly as often as you might think.
In the Heat of the Moment, when you're dealing with the disappointment of a guy who ghosts you, you probably will feel that he must be heartless, self-centered jerk.
Who could blame you? (And there are a ton of women’s magazines out there - and probably most of your girlfriends - that would agree.)
Just realize that most people (99.99%) do not intentionally try to hurt other people. Not even through omission of action!
Beware that knee-jerk reaction to just push all your anger (and really, why are you so angry?) onto him and making him the villain.
We're all just trying to make our way through this world as best we can. Some of us are doing a better job of it than others.
If you want to stay in this game long enough to find the man of your dreams, you have to avoid being pulled down into the dark, unhappy outlook of others.
And you might just need to find out what is blocking you!
- What is your roadblock right now to your relationship?
- Is he pulling away?
- Is your communication cruddy?
- Do you know what you need to fix your relationship?
Well, you can find out - RIGHT NOW!
Just take my latest quiz - The Relationship Roadblock Quiz:
For the last 18 years I've been helping women catch the man they want and make him fall in love.
What I discovered is that one of the biggest questions women have is:
Why Is He Pulling Away? And How Do I Keep Him Interested?
With this short quiz, I can tell you exactly where to go from here.