"Will No Contact Make Him Move On? Will He Forget About Me?"
By: Carlos Cavallo
Will No Contact Make Him Move On? The "no contact" rule is a concept that I first published many years ago, and is widely misunderstood.
Right up front I'm going to tell you that guys don't just FORGET about you. We men are very heartfelt - just as much as you are. (Though you'd be right in thinking he tries to not show it.)
So it's only natural to ask “how to stay in my ex's thoughts?” or “will my ex forget me in no contact?”
Ever since I first published the "no contact rule" in my book years ago, this trick been hijacked and distorted quite a bit.
What is the No Contact rule? And Will No Contact Make Him Move On or Lose Interest?
Simply stated, the No Contact Rule is used during a break-up or a "Time out" in a relationship. Where you and he have decided to take a break from the relationship or things have ended.
During this time, women often feel an impulse or urge to "check in" or reconnect with him. And the No Contact rule is just that - telling you to NOT contact him for a while (usually at least a few weeks) while he gets his head straight.
WHY The No Contact Rule?
Well, we use this rule so that you don't scare him back off again. If you show up at his house 3 days after you decided to take your break, he's going to feel that you're being pushy and insecure.
And he'd probably be right!
Is "no-contact" a good idea...?
The key to getting your ex back is that you have to give him MORE space than he actually wants right now.
What you're doing is setting things up to return to the relationship later. Because the only way this guy is going to want to come back into your lovin' arms is if he sees you differently after your No Contact break. He has to see a change in you.
You're letting him cool off a bit. If he broke up with you, or asked for a break, he's feeling very activated. You need to give him a chance to chill out.
You're raising his "response potential." By building up some anticipation in him, he's going to be much more responsive to you when the time comes.
He has to feel your absence. Directly related to #2 is the fact that every day you're NOT around you, his emotions and memories will keep nagging at him that something's missing. And that something is YOU.
Frankly, most people don't understand how to use the "No Contact Rule" in the right way. It's not that you just cut him off and hope he comes running (or crawling) back to you.
You have to know HOW to do it in the right way.
But first, let's dive into this fear and destroy it once and for all:
INSIGHT: Why do you think he'll forget you or move on without you?
This feeling comes from a very normal place in all of us that we don't like to admit exists. It's the scared little kid part of us that fears being abandoned and lost.
I also call this the "What about ME?" part of our thinking and feelings. It's that child's voice inside us trying to get out.
No one likes the idea of being forgotten or ignored. It just plain sucks to think about.
BUT - the reality is that our fear will always make us think that we are somehow inadequate if we listen to what it's saying. Be real, fear never tells you you're awesome, you deserve to have everything you want, etc.
Fear's job is to make you feel small and unworthy. It brings up your insecurities and then tells you to look them over in detail.
FEAR: "Hey, you know he's probably already dating someone else."
And when we listen to this insecure voice, we are doomed. Because not only is it lying to us, it's saying it in words that almost sound believable.
Don't let the voice of insecurity push you into needy behaviors that scare him off.
So will no contact make him move on? Will he forget about you?"
The No Contact rule works - but only if you're being truthful with yourself about where you are in the relationship right before it got to this breaking point.
If he broke up with you because he was never all that connected to begin with, or maybe another woman entered the picture, it's going to be messier.
You'd be kidding yourself if you thought that space was all he really wanted. He took this opportunity to break things off and leave.
Or if he called it a "time out" - he's really just playing with words. He's probably planning to end it.
So be sure you take a long, hard look at how much of a relationship you had before you started using the No Contact Rule. In order for the rule to work, he must be in love with you.
"What Am I Supposed To Do During The No Contact Time?"
I hear this question a lot, about what to do while you're waiting.
The first thing you need to do is STOP waiting on him! Go LIVE your LIFE!
If you spend a couple weeks doing nothing but thinking about him, planning out your future, imagining every little detail of your marriage - basically living in fantasy...
If you spend your time doing that instead of living for yourself, he won't come back to you. He'll smell desperation all over you and that will only lead to a final breakup.
Take this time to get moving towards your personal goals:
Get back to school and work on that degree...
Get to the gym and work off a few pounds - or just get toned and fit...
Get to that writing class you've put on hold and get working on your novel...
Go hang out with the girlfriends you neglected when you got wrapped up in this relationship...
Get to the hardware store and get started on your home improvement projects...
If you sit around for a few weeks in fantasy mode, you'll go straight out of your mind. It's time to not only distract yourself from him, but to use the time to improve your vibe for later - when you break the No Contact rule and finally start communicating again.
Another thing you want to do is get back to your family and social life.
No-contact? No problem!
I have yet to coach a woman who did not admit that she often puts other people in her life on the back burner when she gets a new boyfriend. She puts her all into the relationship, and then loses herself in it. Like a dream she uses to escape the rest of the world.
When a breakup occurs, she doesn’t recognize who she is anymore, because over time, she begins identifying herself in how her ex sees her and thinks about her.
Again, the goal is to feel better about yourself without him during this No Contact Zone. Nothing makes you feel better than reconnecting with the people that mean the most to you.
And in the worst case scenario - where you don't get back together - you're going to be well on your way to being over him anyway. That gives you all the power.
Now, here's one thing you should NOT do during the no-contact time:
Do NOT abuse your social media presence...
I see a lot of women that use social media as a side hobby when they're not with or near their boyfriend. It's almost as if they turn to their phones the way a heavy smoker will run outside on a break to light up a cigarette.
Don't get me wrong here - you DO need to leverage social media to get him curious and make sure he doesn't forget you. You want him to bump into your cool life, but not the opposite.
The first thing is that you don't want to be following him at all during this time period. Block him from appearing online so that you're not tempted to "just go see what he's up to."
This will end badly.
Don't you forget about me...
If he was posting about how much he was missing you, he'd just be TELLING you. It's not going to be there. And anything he DOES post about is only going to make you want to hear him proclaiming his love for you instead.
If you don't have a life preserver, don't go jumping into that lake.
Do you want to hear some scary stuff about social media and breakups?
33% quoted a song/lyrics about their ex...
31% of people posted a picture in an attempt to make an ex jealous...
88% of people check up on their exes using Facebook after a breakup...
64% of people over-analyze wall posts and messages from their ex...
50% of people delete their ex’s picture after a breakup...
70% of people admitted to using a friend to check up on their ex’s Facebook profile...!
I'll tell you from experience that none of those things is going to help you in any way.
The one that's most likely to cause you great pain is the over-analyzing what he might post or say on his page. Your mind is already wired up to look for ANY HINT that he's still in love with you. Now, chances are, that's true.
But your looking for those signs says more about your state of desperation and emptiness than anything else. And it's something he will be able to detect if you try any sly or clever communications underneath this No Contact zone.
The truth is that he will probably be checking out your page. Most guys don't have the self-discipline not to check in on you.
And what he should be seeing are your posts of you going out and living your life. Just post things that say one thing only:
"I'm alive, I'm having fun, and I'm not stopping to dwell or brood."
Keep living your life!
That message alone is often enough to get a guy to reconsider your relationship. But again, you don't want to appear like you're TRYING to send that message to him. It should seem as natural as you can make it.
Pictures of you at the beach with your girlfriends...
Pictures of you at new restaurants (but not of WHO you're with)...
The one thing you don't want to do is post some picture of you with a random guy thinking that's going to inspire him. More than likely it will make him think of you as being pretty basic and petty.
The possibility that you're with another guy is enough. His imagination will do a better job than any Facebook campaign you can create.
Will No Contact Make Him Move On Or Forget About Me?
So we come back full circle to the biggest worry women have when they use the No Contact Rule: Is he going to forget about me?
And - how can I make sure he doesn't forget about me?
You might even have come up with some devious ideas of how to keep him from forgetting about you, like putting your perfume on something and sending it to him.
Clever, but too obvious.
How To Keep Him From Moving On Or Forgetting About You: Keep the new and interesting flowing...
The key to making the No Contact Rule work is to elevate your stock value in his eyes.
You want him to feel stagnant and left behind.
Make sure you're posting a lot of images of you looking at your best. New clothes, new hairstyle, or just an update. (Don't change too many parts of your appearance, though. You want him to stay attached to the parts that he fell in love with.
When a guy sees a woman looking better than before - and updating her image to be attractive - he's going to feel a bit left in the dust. He's going to second guess his decision to take time off from you.
And that's going to make him interested in trying again with you.
Don't post anything that would communicate how lost or unhappy you are without him. That will scare him right off.
Just focus on images and posts that tell the world that you're moving forward. Making life happen!
How To Keep Him From Moving On Or Forgetting About You: Send a note...
You can break the No Contact Rule after a couple weeks - but it has to be done very carefully:
You're going to put it in a letter or email. This is to ensure that you can edit it to your satisfaction and say only what you need to say...
It's a one-way communication, so it does not invite any need for him to respond right away...
Your letter must demonstrate how you're taking responsibility for your part in the problems you had. Just list what went wrong, your part in it, and how you're going to correct this in your life going forward. No need to mention or hint at getting back together with HIM, mind you.
DO NOT mention HIS flaws or how he contributed to the breakup. This will never get him to feel love, only your resentment.
This will open his heart and make him very receptive to you.
Love finds a way...
Don't expect an immediate response. This is only to start the flow of positive feelings from him so that he will want to reconsider later.
In fact, if you need a consultation about this - you might want to consider a coaching session with me where we can review the full strategy, including how to approach the situation in the best possible way.
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