So the movie He’s Just Not That Into You is based on the 2004 book of the same name by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Which - of course - has some ties to the show "Sex & The City" starring Carrie Bradshaw... er, I mean Sarah Jessica Parker. (It's so easy to forget which is her real name!)
Have you ever wondered if the guy you are dating is "just not that into you"? It's a common question - with some unexpected answers.
So let's take a look at some of the ways you can tell if your guy is really into your relationship. AND you!
How do I know...?
The reality is that dating is more complicated than it used to be. AND it's actually EASIER than it used to be.
Hey - Which is it? Easier? More complicated?
Actually, it's both.
It's easier than ever to meet people... which makes it much more complicated to find someone that will stick it out and love you. We've all got "fast-food" syndrome when it comes to dating.
Don't like this guy? Go fire up an app on your phone and find a replacement in the next 10 minutes!
What?You think this person might have some small trait that you don't want to deal with? Go online and get a date or a hookup TONIGHT!
What?Your husband is boring you and you want a sugar daddy?
Sure - I'm being a little sarcastic here, but not as much as you might think. It's true that with all the new apps and ways of meeting people that we tend to not invest ourselves in a relationship anymore. It's too easy to "trade him in" and get a fresh new relationship - that will have its own problems and challenges.
We are bypassing all these wonderful opportunities to grow just because we think there's always someone else waiting on the Internet to be found.
As someone once said, too many choices make you change your mind. All that choice leads us to believe that the answer to our problems is simply MORE choice.
And the unfortunate side-effect of today's "look at me" culture is that most people want attention and validation more than they want emotional, heartfelt connection.
The real problem is the number of articles and columns that are misleading you out there. Let me share a few of the most dangerous articles you can read:
5 Signs he loves you too much to commit
7 signs he's going to leave his wife for you
8 signs he's too scared to fall in love
Want to know why those articles are complete B.S.?
But I get it, there's a part of you that doesn't WANT to believe this could be true. I've been there, too. You meet someone really cool and sexy - and they show a little interest. The last thing you want to believe is that this was a lie of some kind.
How could anyone change their mind about being into you? Right?
Well I'll explain how this happens in a bit. But for now, recognize that you're partially right - they can't just "change their mind" about you.
Sign #2 You're Better Than Nothing: His Ex Is Still Around...
Yeah. His ex.
She's there in his life when you know she shouldn't be.
He talks about her all the time, even if they got divorced 5 years ago...
When a guy's ex is TOO much in the picture, you've got problems. And the reality is that he's just not over her.
Dating history? Don't be afraid to ask.
Let me ask you a question: If your grocery store were giving away a giant basket of juicy strawberries for free at your grocery, would you eat them?
Sure you probably would - if you like strawberries.
Okay - Now what if someone walked up to you on the street with a nice basket of juicy strawberries and gave it to you for free ... would you eat them?
You'd probably think twice, wouldn't you? You'd probably want to know where those strawberries came from. Never mind if they were sealed in plastic or what. If you didn't know what the background of those strawberries were, you'd be really concerned.
But you'd be surprised how many women don't think think they should know the background and history of their boyfriend...
The best thing you can do is to ask him and find out more about his history with his ex - and his previous relationships in general. I know a lot of women feel like they're being nosy or prying when it comes to asking about his past. However, you can't let that stop you from finding out what his past experience is with relationships.
There's far too much information there to ignore, and it's like inviting a blind spot into your relationship. Inevitably, you will run into whatever hides in the blind spot.
Sign #3 You're Not His Priority Woman: He tells you he doesn't want a relationship...
If a guy tells you this, he's trying to let you know that this is only going to be about the sexy time. He won't break up with you. He's happy to keep going along this way for as long as you continue the friends-with-benefits thing.
But he's not into you.
Yes, men really do mean this when they tell you they "aren't ready" or whatever his clever phrase is. Maybe it's "I'm not ready to trust yet..."
Sign #4 He's Not Into You, Babe: You haven't gone out yet...
I can't even begin to tell you how many women are living fantasy relationships on the Internet. Chatting with guys for literally YEARS without having met him yet.
You may be in one of these yourself right now.
You're not "together"...
Look, I get it. I've had "long distance" interactions like this before myself. Waaaay back in 1996 I was chatting with several women online for a period of about 6 months. That was just to soothe some loneliness I was feeling at the time.
However, there's one thing that had to happen for me to consider it a real relationship: I had to meet her in person and go out on a date.
We had to touch...
We had to kiss...
We had to be able to experience each other in person.
There's no such thing as a long-distance relationship with a man (LOVE relationship) where you have not gone on a date yet.
And yes, this even counts if he lives in the same town and you're just endlessly flirting. Even if he's told you the most intimate details of his life...
It's NOT a "relationship" in the sexual sense. It's got the start of one, but it's still not quite there yet.
And no matter what he tells you, or you tell him, you can't know how you two will work out - or if he's into you - until you're together in personon a date.
Sign #5 You're Not His Priority Woman: You're the 'One Ring...'
If you find that you're the one who:
Gets him out of the house
Does all the planning
Does all the work in bed
Always sends the first text
Always the one to initiate contact...
If you notice that you seem to be doing most of this work, he's probably not that into your relationship. He's just trying to skate by on a minimum of effort, and he's not trying to make the relationship move forward.
If he's not texting you or reaching out to you - he simply isn't that interested in you.
If you're the "One Ring" that binds you, you'll find that you can never get him to give you an engagement ring for a wedding.
Sign #6 You're Not His Priority Woman: He's irregular, unreliable, and inconsistent...
Maybe you get texts from him that have you scratching your head. You might even screen capture them and send them to your friends to help you "Figure him out."
Are you always waiting on him?
Maybe you get voicemail messages that you listen to over and over, hoping to figure out what his feelings are.
RULE: When a guy constantly does things that confuse you, it's actually going to make you fall for him if you're not careful.
He'll have you reading and re-reading his texts, trying to pull some hope out of his non-committal answers and lame responses. You'll be spending hours trying to suss out if this guy is actually into you or he's not.
And again, if you don't feel like he's into you, he ISN'T!
When a guy confuses you with his mixed signals and lame level of involvement, it will make you think about him most of the time. And if you know anything about how people fall in love, this kind of obsessing will actually make you more invested in the empty relationship than he is.
I call this the "mindf***" pattern. Because it really messes with your head.
Let's walk through the steps of how this happens:
He seems into you at first, he plans a date, etc.
He goes silent or hard to reach...
The date comes and he either says he's going to be late, or can't make it... or no-shows.
He promises to make it up to you...
He makes his apology too good to be true, and you want to go along with it...
And then the cycle continues. He does this over and over, and you fall for him MORE each time the cycle completes.
Sign #7 He Isn't Really Digging You: You just don't FEEL it...
Look - if you don't feel it - it's not real for you!
Remember, it doesn't matter how good the future could be. What matters is what's happening RIGHT NOW. If it's not your heart's desire in this moment, it's not real.
And it's next to impossible that it will just "appear" later on.
The most common situation I run into as a therapist, counselor, and coach is that most women are too willing to accepttoo little in their relationships.
Constant struggle to connect...?
This is what I call the Battle of the Attitudes.
A man's attitude is to give as much effort as possible to convince the woman she should let him in her bed - and her heart...
A woman's attitude is to give and keep on giving as a way of showing him love and trying to earn that love back from him...
And then the guy typically stops putting in that work, because the woman has basically taken over all nurturing and puts in all the relationship energy. She doesn't realize that he needs to "work" for her attention and affection for the rest of their lives, or he'll stop chasing and lose interest.
Obviously the chasing changes over the years, but he still needs to view her as "the prize" that he won and now must cherish.
Stop accepting so little from men!
When it comes right down to it, if you're not feeling that this relationship is giving you what you need, you have to be willing to see what's happening. It doesn't matter how much you think he COULD love you, or how awesome it COULD be.
If he's not giving you the effort and emotion you need to feel love, he's not the one for you.
Of course, there are a TON more signs that a guy isn't into you...
MORE "HE'S NOT THAT INTO YOU" SIGNS:
He isn't attentive...
He isn't talkative...
He isn't trying to impress you...
He's more interested in OTHER women... Talking, watching, etc...
He never talks about his feelings with you...
He's GREAT at apologizing - and you accept them every time
He's your priority, but you are still a choice...
He always keeps you waiting on him...
He only calls you at 2:00 AM to come over...
Here's the deal - there are WAY MORE signs that he's not that into you... probably more than I can list here.
On the other hand, there's only one sign that he IS into you.
You know what that sign is? He'sINTO YOU!
He shows you by doing stuff that makes you feel: "Holy crap, this guy is into me!"
The reality is that there are only two real options when you're in this situation.
The first option is that if he's not pursuing you, he must be too busy. Or ... something. His mom's too mean, his dog's too sick, his life is too crazy right now.
That's all rationalization. Those are the stories people tell themselves to convince themselves that it can't possibly be that this person isn't attracted to you. But that's just a way to make ourselves feel better.
You see, if a guy really does like you and desire you, he's going to chase you!
And this is a man telling you - who has nearly 40 years of dating (and marriage) experience.
If a guy isn't chasing you, it's most likely that he's just not that into you. It's the #1 reason that NO ONE wants to admit. So we go to farfetched lengths to make believe it's some other life circumstance stopping this awesome romance from happening.
Look - I'm not trying to rain on your parade. Nor am I telling you that you're NOT pretty or gorgeous... or ... whatever.
What's probably happening is a simple case of something you failed to do at the very start.
When he first came on to you, approached you, chatted you up - again, whatever - he was interested! He was probably very curious about the possibility of hooking up and seeing if this could turn into a real boyfriend/girlfriend deal.
But... something happened.
Something changed in the relationship.
Remember, if you're wondering if he's into you - he's just not that into you.
When a guy is into you, you will know it right off the bat - in your gut.
When he doesn't want you...
Look, the reality is that we all date people we're not THAT into - hoping that we'll suddenly find something really starts up his passionate fire. But that almost NEVER happens!
Usually this is because it's been some time since we dated someone, and it feels nice to just have a steady partner. That's fine - in the short term. After all, the more guys you date, the more experience you have at relationships.
But when you stick around too long in a relationship where the love is uneven, you're going to cause some damage to your self-esteem and self-image.
Remember, the real key to getting the man of your dreams to fall for you is in the one place that most women will NEVER look:
Know how he thinks and how his heart works.
If you know how men think and how they fall in love, you're going to get the man of your dreams. It's as simple as that.
And I've helped thousands of women do EXACTLY that!
So what stops a woman from going after the man of her dreams and getting him?
WARNING: This next section is going to be hard for many women to read...
There are a lot of reasons women aren't successful with men:
REASON: She won't learn the tips I teach...
There are a LOT of women who are very scared of knowing the real secrets of how love works. These women suspect that knowing would take away all their excuses for why they haven't found the man of their dreams. After all, as long as you leave it all up to the winds of fate, you can always blame fate later on!
REASON: She thinks there's some "magical mystery" element that you must have to have the relationship you want with a guy...
This is complete nonsense, by the way. The only thing you need is to understand him and what he needs from you.
REASON: She's afraid the "magic" will go away...
After all, it's so magical (SARCASM ALERT) to feel out of control while every man you meet gives you the same tired speech about being "too afraid to commit," while your girlfriends are all getting married. Is that the kind of "magic" you want?
Look, Love doesn't lose its magic when you understand how it works. Love loses its magic when you fail out from ignorance and then start to resent Love.
REASON: She thinks she already knows it all...
Look, I know that guys get a bad rap for being egotistical #$%&, but the funny thing is that only about 10% of men or women (and I'm being generous) will actually take fifteen minutes to discover how to be successful in relationships. Of the women I coach, most of them claim to "already know all of this..." But they're actually not doingANY of it!
She wants a relationship SO BAD she can taste it... but she won't sit down and take the time to learn how relationships really work with men.
I hope you're not that kind of person that just reads and runs... Sure, you can pretend this dating advice is just "entertainment" - but there's much more you can do with it.
"So how could he change his mind about me?" most women ask after a guy goes cold and disappears.
He didn't change his mind.
His heart was what changed.
A man will withdraw for one of two reasons in a relationship:
He sees a red flag that scares him off...
He DOESN'T see something that makes him light up with desire...
You see, men are looking for signals from you to know that you're The One.
If he doesn't see those signals - or if he sees a Red Flag you accidentally show him - he's going to run.
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