These feelings will take time to heal. You've been crying over your ex, and now it's time to get back to happiness.
While it may take time for your emotions to heal, you don't want to wait around forever for the hurt to go away and your feelings to return to normal. You want to get past the grief and feel like yourself again.
I'm going to give you some concrete steps you can use to help the healing process - and get you ready for a long-term relationship again. Healing takes time, sure - but you can do it quicker if you're smart about it!
Continue reading and I'll show you what to do to get back on the path to happiness...
Step 1: Leave That Frown Downtown...
One of the biggest mistakes we can make after a breakup is to try to rush back to happiness.
Sure, it's not fun or pleasant to be stuck in those feelings of sadness after you lost your guy. I get it. No one enjoys that.
But if you let your discomfort with sadness get the better of you, you could wind up in a much worse place.
Here are just a few of the things that can happen if you try to deny your hurt emotions:
You could find yourself going back to this person - when you know it's a bad idea. Many of the abusive and unhealthy relationships keep going on and on - like the Energizer bunny - just because one or both people become addicted to the conflict in the relationship.
You might jump into a rebound relationship. Sometimes we try to cover up our pain by jumping into another relationship too quickly - and we wind up hurting a good person. I've had women do this to me before, and we're all probably a little guilty of this by the time we're in our 30s or 40s.
You could find yourself engaging in other unhealthy behaviors - like drinking, drug use, or even compulsive binge watching shows on TV. All to try and soothe those feelings of anxiousness inside us.
You have to allow yourself a little bit of sadness. In fact, it's absolutely necessary.
Unresolved feelings don't just go away. They hide out inside until you process them.
One of the biggest mistakes a person can make is to try to bypass their emotions to avoid feeling pain.
The ability to sit in the same room with our pain and tolerate it - not run away - is the best indication of maturity there is. It's also the biggest indication that you can handle the challenges of a real relationship - and make it last!
And honestly - no one ever died from some good crying and a few days of sadness.
Step 2: If It Gets Bad...
Okay, so what if that sadness doesn't go away?
That's when you call in the heavy guns... you get yourself a little help.
Yes, sometimes we lack the skills or ability to pull ourselves out of a funk. And when a big heartbreak comes along, that can throw you so far off that you don't know what to do.
Talk to a professional.
It might be time to go get a therapist.
When I was in my 20s (just a wee lad), I had a particularly nasty breakup. It really shook me up.
So I used my Employee Assistance benefit at my job to get a few sessions with a therapist.
I went to see her and explained the whole situation, from A to Z. And the therapist really didn't give me much help. I just unloaded all the stuff that happened, explained it all, and showed her all the books I was reading to figure out why I was so heartbroken.
Well, it seems that this was all I really needed to do, because I started feeling better within a couple weeks. The emotional pain started to fade and my mind was back to normal.
(To this day, I'm still amazed at how little this therapist knew about relationships. That was another reason I trained to be a therapist and work in this field.)
Now, you might need more help than I did, or maybe just a listening ear from a person. Whatever the solution, it's always good to have someone to talk to if you can't get yourself out from the pit of unhappy you might find yourself in.
And another word of advice: Don't call on your friends too much for this help.
You can wear out your welcome and really damage a friendship if you're stuck and constantly asking for your friends' help. They won't tell you how much this annoys them; you'll just find yourself not seeing them very much in the future.
They can't walk your path for you. And the further you take them on this journey, the more likely you will be to lose that friend.
After that breakup I told you about, I did the wrong thing: I started wearing out my welcome with one of my female friends at work. I was such a mopey, wussy dude that I'm happy when she finally cut me off and I got the hint to just get over her already.
Not to mention, you gotta find ways to take care of your emotional mental health.
Step 3: Find Your Cope...
At some point you want to list all the resources you have that can help you through this time. It could be your mother, a sister or brother, or even your dad. If you have friends that can help with healing during this difficult time, you should list them, too.
Heal your heart.
As I said - you have to make sure you don't call on your friends TOO much during this process of getting over your ex. They know you're trying to heal, and that this is an emotional place for you. BUT they can only be a sympathetic ear for you to share with.
WARNING: You should also be wary of any friends that want to talk to you too much while you're taking the time to feel sad and grieve. The ones that keep bringing your ex up, or wanting to talk about the previous relationship. They might just be in it for the drama, and that person isn't really helping you.
Watch out for these drama vampires. They live off the energy of dead relationships, and they'll suck you dry, too.
Another important coping step: As soon as a thought enters your brain, you should start the process of journaling what you're experiencing. If you feel sad, notice what triggered it and how it made you feel.
If you let those thoughts and feelings rattle around in your head too much, you never get them under control. You'll find them coming up compulsively, and that's going to make you a nervous wreck. And it makes it harder to let go of this person you broke up with.
Write it down, then you can forget it.
And you want to get this person off your mind quickly.
Step 4: Time To Move On...
Look, it's not always the best thing to have to do, but the most important part during the getting over your heartbreak is DECIDING to move on. If you leave too much room for "Well, maybe we'll get back together..." you short-circuit your ability to heal and let go of your pain.
(And your ability to let go of this person...)
You might have to go cold turkey on this guy and let go of some of the attachment. It's a process - learn how to let go of the sad feelings and emotional hurt.
Thinking of your ex all the time is a coping mechanism. When you think about your ex, it's kind of like they are still in your life. But it also makes you relive the disappointment when realization comes back.
You have to get a break from the dwelling and moping.
When you are ready to do it, you have to cut yourself off from the possibility of this person, because you'll always hold a hope in your heart.
And leave yourself open to perpetual disappointment.
When I had made the decision that I was officially "DONE" with someone, I would delete this person from my phone, put all pictures in a box and stow it, get rid of any gifts that reminded me of them, etc. Basically get rid of all the ways she could try to get back in my head.
Then I would put a big X on the calendar for the day I would get back out there and date.
I'll explain why to do that in a bit...
Step 5: Get On The Path To Healing...
Healing from the hurt of a breakup is always going to:
Make you open to ups and downs...
Leave you feeling emotional for weeks, and maybe months...
But as the saying goes - the journey of a thousand miles always begins with the first step.
You have only to get started to start feeling better about yourself.
Don't just talk about it - DO IT.
Allow yourself to feel...
Go ahead, let yourself feel sad, but tap into that faith inside you that things will be awesome again in the not too distant future.
The process of going through heartbreak is very similar to working through the stages of grief. In fact, it IS the same.
In case you hadn't heard of them, here are the 5 stages of grief:
DENIAL- Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. You just don't want to believe it's true...
ANGER - Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. You gotta be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. It will pass.
BARGAINING - Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only you can be spared the pain of loss. You make irrational promises to higher beings, your dog, your family. Just hoping that it will make a difference...
DEPRESSION - After bargaining, our attention moves right into the present. Empty feelings show up, and grief enters our lives on a deep level - deeper than we ever thought possible. Most people don't realize how much they grow by going through these tough times...
ACCEPTANCE - Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. Acceptance just means that you can accept where you are, that there is some pain - and you'll still be okay...
One of the best ways to get on the path to your better self again is to recognize these necessary steps of grief. Don't try to rush through them or skip any of them.
There's something to learn here by confronting the uncomfortable emotions.
Remember, your brain is a wonderfully self-healing part of you. You can have thoughts, feelings, and even start to look toward your future relationships with hope. But you do have to let your feelings work their way through your mind.
Yeah, kinda like the flu has to work its way through your body after you get sick...
Step 6: Got Glamor...?
If there's one thing that will make you feel better about yourself, it's getting a good makeover. It's time to refresh your image and feel new again!
Take time for self-care...
Even a guy can benefit from a good haircut, and a new set of clothes. I would tell guys all the time to get to work on their appearance to help supercharge their recovery.
(Don't get stuck in your appearance, but don't ignore what you can do with it!)
Here are a few of the ways you can update yourself to feel like you're back on top:
New haircut - yeah, it's a bit of a breakup "cliché" but it works! Get a new style, or refresh you color... or go all purple. It's a statement of re-affirming yourself. Go for it!
New outfit - don't go breaking the bank or charging up the Visa too much here, but take a trip to the mall to get yourself a lift in the fashion department. Who says the process of healing can't be fun?
Get Back In Shape - This one is big, because it has both physical and emotional benefits. When you're exercising regularly, your emotions are more balanced and steady. AND you're going to look better, which makes you feel better...
Get Some Class - I don't mean that you're an un-classy dame here, just that you might want to go take some yoga classes, or cooking classes, or a massage therapy class... something that engages your learning. You'll feel revitalized and ready to meet people again, too...
Getting a little superficial is a great way to renew your feelings of self-love and worth, and probably one of the most important bits of advice I can give you. You'll re- learn about your inner strength as a person, too.
And every bit helps you recover. It doesn't have to take months to move on and feel good. (Or get over this person.)
Getting back to looking good is also a great distraction from dwelling on the negative stuff. You don't want to let yourself go down that road.
Step 7: Turn On The Social...
One of the best things you can do is to go out and get social again. But it's also the one thing you will LEAST want to do.
Once you do, you'll come home refreshed, recharged, and wondering what the big deal is... But it does take some effort to get off your butt (and your 'but') to do it.
Yes, you'll try to convince yourself to just stay home and Netflix. Those thoughts and feelings of resistance will pass, too.
Get back out there.
Once you've met a new guy, you'll be AMAZED at how the other guy (what was his name again...?) just fades into the background like bar music.
If you're dealing with some heartbreak or heartache... and if you think you've had enough of your grieving, why not look at your social calendar and pick a day to get right back out there.
To put a big fat X on the calendar and decide to START LIVING again!
Because that's how you'll forget about your ex fast, and find HIM (the new guy) even faster!
You take a break and then let those painful memories go.
Get back to being you...
Get back to finding the man you want to have that relationship of a lifetime with...
Get back to being a person who can weather even the toughest times...
Imagine how good it will feel when you can talk about this guy in the past tense...
Imagine how good it will be when you start dating a guy that gives you hope about the future...
In fact - Why not make that day right now?
It's time to make a clean break from your past.
One of the best ways you can do that - AND move forward - is to know what the signals are that you have FOUND your soulmate.
Heartbreak usually only shows up when you're with the wrong guy. And if you find your soulmate - the person that makes you feel better about YOU - you're going to be recovering even faster.
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