How To Stop Being Needy, Insecure & Desperate - 7 Tips
By: Carlos Cavallo
Have you ever accidentally gone off the deep end with your man?
Maybe you started feeling a bit too needy and you realized you may have panicked...
Maybe you called him late one night after a glass or two of Merlot, and you spoke from your heart... but it scared him away
Maybe you send him a text or an email where you spilled your guts about how you know he's The One for you...
Neediness and clinginess is one of those things that all women show from time to time. (We've all done it - hey, even guys do this.)
But women also run around in fear of acting too needy a great deal of the time.
And the worst part is that the people that act needy & desperate often don't realize it - simply because they only feel a need to get their love tank filled up. And that need is DEEP in our emotional core.
You can go YEARS without knowing that you've got "generalized neediness syndrome." Which is to say, you sometimes let your fears get the better of you.
All you typically see are the RESULTS of your desperation.
Long, long ago...
I'll confess to you right up front that I was a HUGE wuss back in my early 20s. I was needy, insecure, and very clingy. Which - for a guy - was about the most unattractive thing imaginable. I destroyed dozens of dating relationships before I discovered how I was sabotaging my life.
In one particularly bad situation, I waited outside a girl's house for 4 hours for her to come home when I couldn't reach her. That was freaky.
As soon as I realized what I was doing, I got to work on fixing it. And then I was suddenly able to see this neediness in others - especially when it was a woman I was dating.
So I know a thing or two about this... and I can tell you how men experience it when they find a woman needy or insecure.
Some of the important side-effects - AKA 'bad things' - that can happen if you're needy and insecure:
If You're Needy: Men will run away from you. Like, all the time.
Acting needy and insecure is one of the reasons that a guy will disappear on you after the first couple dates, too. Which is something a lot of women wonder about.
Men can pick up on this vibe and make a gut decision in just a few minutes about you. It's the #1 reason men walk away from what seems like a beautiful relationship.
If You're Clingy: Your relationships will be unstable...
It goes without saying that if you hold on too tightly to your relationships, you'll probably encounter a lot of ups and downs. You'll find yourself reacting to the things people say, instead of holding true to your own inner compass.
This makes all relationships a bit difficult.
I went through this myself - believing that it was everyone else in the world that was unreliable and distant. In the end I found out it was really mostly my behaviors creating it.
If You're Desperate: Your friends will avoid you...
After a while, a woman's friends will pick up on the same thing that the men in her life do - that she's TOO focused on being liked - or loved. And most people won't have the heart to tell her that this insecurity and desperation is incredibly difficult to be around for very long.
And rather than say anything, what we find ourselves doing is avoiding the people that make us feel uncomfortable. Each person has their own complicated and difficult lives to figure out. They just don't have time to set you straight about your behavior.
If You're Insecure: Men will use you for just one thing...
Yeah, I hate to 'fess up to this one, but guys typically only date needy & desperate girls to get a little bedroom action on. And then they run away as fast as they can.
Just like your mom probably told you.
The reason men find needy relationships SO TIRING is because they hit a man right in his most sensitive zone: Independence.
Most women who are on the insecure end of the spectrum often compensate by trying to control their man. She makes a ton of demands on him to be accountable to her - solely to ease her feelings of unease and instability.
Very often this means more and more control-seeking behavior on her part. And the more he senses this, the more he pulls away.
Any of these look familiar...?
So what are the signs you're too needy/insecure/desperate?
I'll run them off, by the numbers:
If you text him a lot during the day... Where "a lot" is more than ten different times...
If you find yourself giving a lot more than you get - usually hoping that you'll make him see what a great "catch" you are...
You act jealous, mistrusting, and generally anxious a lot around him...
You get nervous when he doesn't text you back right away...
You push to get him to affirm his feelings for you...
You ignore mistreatment by him and let yourself be treated like a doormat...
You over-analyze him on social media...
You don't trust him - and he's never given you reason not to...
You tend to move really fast in relationships to get a commitment...
Now, there are many many more signs than this, of course. You could take any behavior, in fact, and give it a needy, desperate spin.
The point is that you have to look for these signs of going too far and stop yourself before it gets there.
Now let's get to the 7 tips for how to stop being needy, insecure, and desperate...
Don't Be Needy - Tip 1: No More Time Travel!
Most people who get needy find themselves thinking out into a future where they've got the perfect relationship with this guy. They start to think about wedding dresses and bridesmaid colors before the end of the first date.
You have to avoid jumping out into the future like this. It takes a guy a while to decide a woman is The Onefor him.
A woman can know if she has a good prospect on the line in just a few dates. She might even be able to see his potential and his weaknesses, and already have a plan for how they'd be together in relationship.
But a guy will take a little longer as he "feels you out". He needs time to understand if you're the kind of woman that will embrace him positively and support his passions or not.
Take the time to cultivate a full relationship with your man. And don't let your imagination get ahead of schedule.
Don't Be Needy - Tip 2: Have An 'If-Then' Plan...
You need to understand what you'll do if you run into a situation that normally triggers your insecurities.
Most people respond to life on an ad-hoc, reactive basis. That means that when something comes up, they just act out of reflexes. Which is usually a recipe for disaster if it's a situation where you know you may be weak.
"You have to have an idea of how you'll cope when life inevitably triggers your neediness..." - Carlos Cavallo
For example, if he doesn't call you tonight - what will you do?
Most women just wait until that triggering event happens, and then they let their current emotional state run the show. If you want to avoid looking clingy, you have to do better.
So just have a mental plan for the events that trigger you most. In our previous example: When he doesn't call, you know you'll put on a show on Netflix to distract you.
Now you know what to do to avoid the usual cascade of behaviors that might drive you crazy.
Don't Be Needy - Tip 3: Pump Up The Volume...
The best way to keep yourself out of the needy/desperate trap is to make sure you're always aware of your own value.
Most women who fall into the trap of getting too clingy with their man did so because they felt weak and disempowered. She felt that he was the one to convince to love her, when she really hadn't figured out how to love herself.
You have to keep the volume of your own life up LOUD to keep yourself aware of your gifts.
Keep a list of your good traits on hand to help soothe you when you run into a low mood. Trust me, this will help you...
Don't Be Needy - Tip 4: No More Waiting...
One of the things that really activates neediness and desperation is the wait factor.
This is the time in between dates where you just want to get on with it, but you know you won't look like a valued woman if you're "too available."
So you wind up playing this back-and-forth with your emotions, trying to keep yourself from acting too needy. And you wind up spending a lot of time just idly thinking about the relationship.
Instead of getting on with your life...
Don't put your life on hold for anyone - or anything, really.
Waiting around for a guy makes you crazy, and it directly contradicts the previous Tip #3 above.
Don't Be Needy - Tip 5: Keep Your Priorities...
This one is simple, but might not be easy for you.
Plainly stated: Don't drop everything for a man.
I know, it's tempting. Maybe he called you up at the last minute with an offer to meet him for dinner. Maybe he had a friend back out on him at the last moment.
Why the heck wouldn't you say yes...?
Well, there are a bunch of reasons. By saying yes to that offer, you're training him that he can just use you as his "last minute girl."
If someone backs out on him, you don't want to be the "consolation prize." Plus, it's showing that you weren't his first pick for the date!
I can't even begin to tell you how bad it is to start like this with a guy.
Only when a man makes a genuine effort to spend time with you should you accept and reward that effort.
Anything less is training him that you don't value yourself.
Don't Be Needy - Tip 6: Say No.
Sometimes, m'lady, you gotta speak your mind.
Being too agreeable will signal the "end times" for you and your man.
Yeah, I'm sure you don't want to seem "difficult" to get along with. You don't want to get into arguments, of course.
But watering down your opinions is not attractive to him, either. If a guy comes across as too agreeable, you'd probably be a bit suspicious.
It's in our ability to maintain ourselves as separate people that we create an aura of desirability.
Nope. Nada. Zilch.
Plainly stated -
No man wants a woman who can't think for herself...
So find ways of compassionately explaining your point of view, even if it differs from him. And if he is put off by this, would you have wanted to spend 20, 30, 40 years of your life with that person?
Consider it a very easy way to screen out the immature guys.
Don't Be Needy - Tip 7: Know How To Connect...
Look, the best advice I can give you is not to "stop doing" something. If you could have, you would have, am I right?
The real thing to do is to avoid having to put yourself in situations where you're always the one trying to make him fall for you.
Let me say this again:
You should NOT have to work to make a man fall in love with you...!
As the saying goes, it should be as easy as falling off a log.
You want to be able to make a real connection with a man on a deep emotional level. This is the one thing that will assure you that he will not only fall in love with you, but also stay with you faithfully - committed right to the end.
The connection you create with your man is the most important part of your relationship.
And it's so important that you can't afford to leave it up to chance...
You can't hope he's going to find what you say interesting...
You can't hope he's going to discover how good you are for him...
You can't hope he's going to recognize what you have to offer...
There's only one way to do this, and it's to know what his Connection Code is...
A man's "Connection Code" is the special way that he bonds with a woman. If you know what his Code is, you can unlock his heart.
If you don't know what it is, you could be guessing for years and years - and never really get into his love.
And if another woman figures his Connection Code out, he'd probably leave you for her. I know that sounds harsh, but that's why so many women lose the man they love.
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