There's no doubt that Love can be frustrating... For some people, it drives them crazy. Maybe that's you - are you giving up on love?
Well don't do it until you read this article!
This isn't going to be some empty cheerleading, or some rah-rah speech. Sometimes the one thing we need most when we feel like quitting is a swift kick in the backside.
A little motivation to get you going...
Every day I coach women who are at their wits end. They're burned out on dating.
I typically advise women who are middle-aged and older who are trying to find love. Typically in their late 30s and all the way into their 70s.
And the older you get, the harder it seems to start relationships...
They've tried just about everything:
Dating people from work
You name it!
If you've been searching and dating and trying to make it work, but each relationship seems to come to an end, you might feel like giving up.
But there's a lot you probably don't know about why you feel this way. And how you can keep going - until you find the one you truly love.
You have an unlimited reserve of love energy within you. You just have to know how to tap into it.
What happens is that you're cut off from that flow of energy when you feel like it's time to throw in the towel and give up.
No matter how down on yourself you may feel, you must always question your thoughts if you believe that you are:
"Going to be alone for the rest of your life..."
"Not destined for love..."
"Unlucky in love..."
"Going to die alone..."
A lot of these things we say to ourselves when we are frustrated and can't seem to find our way out.
Funny enough, hearing these words from other people always makes us think differently. There's no point in catastrophizing - or making things seem like the end of the world.
As a trained therapist and coach, I can say with certainty that everyone has the ability to find their love.
As Steve Martin said in the movie LA story:
"“There's someone out there for everyone. Even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.” STEVE MARTIN - Harris K. Telemacher
LOVE WISDOM: Protect your attitude at all costs...
The key to overcoming this is keeping your mindset and attitude as your priority.
I see a lot of people who overextend themselves when they're dating. Many women sacrifice their happiness and peace of mind in the process of being who they think they should just be to be desirable.
As the saying goes,
Never change yourself to meet someone else's opinion of who you should be.
So the first thing you have to do is to keep your happiness as your priority. Under no circumstances do you ever have to sacrifice this in order to find a man and a relationship that will make you happy.
The problem with putting your own needs on the back burner is that it becomes a habit way too easily.
Once you start forgetting your own needs, it's hard to stop. And one day you'll find yourself in a relationship that you settled for just because good enough became good enough.
You have to set a commitment to your own need for a fulfilling relationship. Otherwise, why bother at all? Which is probably what you are thinking.
When you reach that point, you got there by putting aside your own needs.
LOVE WISDOM: It really is a Journey
It's become something of a cliché, but all relationships are a journey of sorts. If you get too focused on making one of them turn into your fairy tale ideal, you'll miss what's happening right now. In THIS moment...
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” MATTHEW BRODERICK - Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Every single person teaches you something new about yourself. Even the worst dates can be the best stories for your friends.
I remember having many unbelievably bad dates, and they were so fun to share with my friends later on. It was like trading war stories.
Sometimes it can be hard to pay attention to the now. But the present is all we have. If you forget this in your search for an imaginary tomorrow, you will miss out on all the good things today.
"Whether life is worth living depends on whether there is love in life..."
LOVE WISDOM: Why So Serious?
It's also possible you've been caught up in the seriousness of relationships. Maybe you're focusing a little too much on the endgame.
You remember when dating was just fun? Or at least it had that feel because we really didn't need a permanent outcome.
Keep in mind that there is no such thing as permanence. Nothing in our wonderful existence is permanent, including what comes after it. We live in a universe of infinite possibilities.
In the grand scheme of things, remember that dating is just one small part of your entire life.
Keep perspective about you at all times. Don't let the idea that finding a man is the be-all, end-all of your existence.
Living your life is.
So be sure to have the occasional reality check to make sure that you are not losing sight of what really matters. Keep everything in perspective and you'll find that your attitude will always be healthy and positive.
LOVE WISDOM: Take 5
If you're not in a committed relationship, then you should occasionally take some time off to focus on yourself. You should also do this even if you are in a committed relationship.
Again, many women find that they lose the focus on themselves. This happens in motherhood, and it happens in relationships.
Sometimes you'll find yourself forgetting about self-care for a long time, and then it hits you all at once. You realize you gotta get back to YOU.
If you feel like giving up on love, there's a good chance that you haven't been taking care of yourself as well as you should have.
And of course the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Not just for you, but because it will also attract a higher quality man. He's going to want some of whatever it is you bring to the table.
Make sure you make yourself a priority, and he will too.
LOVE WISDOM: Remember - There Is NO Finish Line!
In reality, even if you get married you will still have a lot of challenges to overcome. It's tempting to make a commitment or a marriage the goal of dating.
It's a search for permanence in the chaos of our lives. We all want something to hold onto - a stable piece of wood to cling to in the wreckage.
Even the imagined goals you have for a relationship are not permanent, and you will always have something new to deal with. Ask anyone who got married and then had to go through the brutal truth of a divorce.
Perhaps you are one of those people!
There really is no such thing as a "destination" in a relationship. You simply never arrive.
"Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans..."
LOVE WISDOM: Be Careful Where You Get Your Wisdom
You should be very careful who you listen to and whose opinion matters to you. Some friends may tell you what they think your relationships should be, and they have no real clue.
In fact, one of the things I discovered was that most of friends I'd had no idea what a real relationship actually should be. Or could be.
I've even had friends in the past suggest that I go to a psychic or some other fortuneteller to find out what the future had in store for me.
The fact is that they don't know. And seeking an opinion from somebody so unqualified could actually severely harm my attitude.
Make sure you get your wisdom from the truly wise. It may take some time to find that person, but it's better than reaching out to strangers who will only promise what they can't deliver.
LOVE WISDOM: Use Your "Dump" Button
Forgive me for saying this, but you're probably being too nice.
That might not be news to you, either. I mean, it's nice that you're nice, but you should never be nice to where it causes you problems or harm. This is why we keep up healthy boundaries.
One of the most common mistakes that I see women make in relationships is holding on too long to a man who is not a good choice.
Sometimes this is because she got into the relationship to soothe her anxieties, or buff up her low self-esteem
Sometimes women choose a man simply because he is aloof and avoidant in the relationship. He's so hard to get that she can't seem to stop trying to get him...
Whatever the reason may be, you need to start dumping more guys. Get rid of the mediocre men that wiggle their way into your life. It's okay to disconnect from them and even (gasp) be alone for a while.
There's a good chance you know exactly what I'm talking about here.
This is something that both men and women do all the time. WE let our aching hearts keep us in relationships that are not working.
Remember my timeless advice:
"Hire slow - fire fast!"
You can't afford to cling to a scarcity mindset when it comes to choosing the right man.
There are more men out there than you can possibly ever meet in your lifetime. In fact, men are so abundant that you cannot afford to even get hung up on one of them.
Until he's hung up on you!
LOVE WISDOM: Keep Your Posture
Before you give up on love, hear me out on this...
One of the other best bits of advice I got was this one:
"We always respect the person who can walk away from the table..."
The person who said that to me was talking about negotiating, but it works just as well in relationships. In fact it works even better.
Guys respect women who respect themselves. And nothing says self-respect like the ability to walk away from a relationship.
This is a quality that most guys do not typically see in women.
When you feel like relationships are scarce you will cling to whatever you have. And then when the relationship doesn't work out you swing all the way to the other side where you want to give up on love.
Posture is the attitude we carry when we are dating. You must always have the posture of the woman who is desirable, and then men will desire you.
LOVE WISDOM: F.O.M.O. Is Your Enemy
Perhaps you've heard of the term FOMO. This means "fear of missing out."
You be surprised to know just how many people have this fear today. It's why we are so addicted to our cell phones, and how social media tells us how to feel about ourselves.
But you also experience this in dating, and it can make you feel like giving up on love.
Sometimes we ignore a perfectly good candidate for love simply because we think that something better has to come along. You are expecting your Prince or knight in shining armor to sweep you away.
Or maybe just swipe right...
But don't forget that there are perfectly good candidates for your love that may not be the perfect human being. (But then again nobody is perfect.)
Remember, the grass is not greener. And it still needs watering.
LOVE WISDOM: Don't Forget, It's Not Easy
We are also spoiled in this modern age. We are taught to believe that everything should be as easy as we see it on TV, or in the movies.
And it never is.
Don't fall for the mistaken belief that relationships are supposed to be instantaneous and effortless.
All relationships take effort and energy and personal growth.
Friendships should be challenging. And so should your love relationship. Don't give up just because you're trying to avoid confronting yourself along the way.
True love never comes from McDonald's - the same way a great meal never does.
It's easy to give up when you aren't prepared to put in the effort. So resolve right now that you will give what it takes to not only make it work, but to become the kind of woman that will not shy away from the tough stuff.
LOVE WISDOM: Stop Before You Stop
The fact is, if you have given up on finding love, you've already reached a breakpoint. Which means you went past the point of frustration into anger.
Another part of staying healthy while you're dating is knowing when you are about to reach your breakpoint. Then you back off until you feel ready to go at it again.
Every battery needs a recharge. Your emotional batteries are no different.
When you sense that you're getting exasperated or tired of "the dating scene," take some time to recharge those batteries.
LOVE WISDOM: It's Not Your Fault
One of the first things we do when we feel that were not succeeding at finding love is to blame ourselves. Negative self-talk is one of the things I coach women about in my practice.
Many women didn't learn a healthy way of managing their negative emotions. Most women today still find it difficult to express anger.
The same thing goes for self-doubts and self-blame. It's always easier in some way to get down on yourself when you don't succeed at love.
Just remember it's not your fault. When you catch yourself talking to yourself this way, stop and take a breather. Notice what's going on inside you.
Watch your emotions and notice how they can slip into irrational negativity. Maybe even write down a few rebuttals to this negative inner voice.
"Why can't you find anyone that you're interested in? There must be something about you that turns men off."
Stop and write down the negative thing you're thinking on paper - right away. Don't let it go hiding in your thoughts where it can act like that spoiled brat girlfriend you had that would change her tune when confronted.
Then proceed to tear it apart. Dissect the message and how it is obviously not true.
Write your rebuttal: "No, there's something about the men I'm meeting that isn't working out - for the moment. It's not forever, it's just a streak of weirdness. I've had boyfriends before, I'll have them again."
You have to do this almost religiously so that you can start to tear apart the nasty effect that this inner negative voice has on you.
LOVE WISDOM: Try A Different Channel
Another way you can take some time off is to try another method of meeting guys.
You don't want to become jaded about using whatever method you are using. If you're using online dating, you don't want to become so down on it that you stop doing it and stop meeting men entirely.
Instead, shift gears to try a different way to meet guys.
Maybe you go to some dance lessons for change
Or some singles parties
Or some speed dating events
And if you caught yourself saying no, no, no to those suggestions, then I suggest that you need to take a break first. You've already reached the point of being disgusted. Now you need to rejuvenate.
You might think that this is a simple mind trick, and in a way it is. But really it's about creating a healthy distraction that gives you a break and lets you rest. This is always better than giving up on love.
LOVE WISDOM: Be Careful Not To Push It Away
Remember that most love isn't lost...
Most love affairs don't fade.
Most of us actively push love away when we run up against our own limitations and our own anxieties and issues.
You suddenly realize that in order for this relationship to go further, you have to be willing to go further than you've gone before. You have to be more vulnerable, but then something automatically clicks in that makes you find ways to push love away.
Not many people point out just how many women avoid intimacy as much as men do, but it's very real.
Boredom is rarely the reason the relationships come to an end. Rather, it's that each person in the relationship realizes that they've got to pull their own weight and overcome their own stuff.
Take a look back on your own history and you may see the same pattern happening.
I went through my 20s and 30s actively pushing away women that were healthy for me. Mostly because I still hadn't resolved my own issues around intimacy and self-worth.
This might sound bad, but it's actually really great news.
What it means is that you actually can put an end to this destructive pattern. You can learn the skills necessary to connect with men.
In fact, that's why I became "the dating advice guru." I spent years helping guys with their dating issues and problems.
I learned every secret they revealed - and I took notes.
And then I decided that women need to know these secrets. I will show you everything you need to know if you want to understand men.
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