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Relationship Tips & Advice
If you'd like to know how to connect with him emotionally, you might find yourself beyond confused. Men don't have the same emotional connection that you might find you have with your girlfriends, after all.
And if you don't understand how to connect with a man using his special needs - you could be walking into a minefield.
Most men pull away from love relationships when he has a struggle to connect with his partner. He will assume the struggle is a "YOU" thing and not a "ME" thing, and he'll assume you're NOT the One for him. And marriage will be out of the question.
This is why it's so imperative that you know how to communicate and connect with him to get him to trust you and open up to you.
If you'd like to know if you have an emotionally unavailable man in your relationship or marriage, you might like my article on that HERE...
It doesn't matter where you are in your relationship - first date or fiftieth date - the principles are the same. You have to know the way into his heart and be able to connect with him. Better than his buddies can, and definitely better than any other women can. (Yes, including his mom!)
Especially if you desire marriage at some point.
In fact, one of the first mistakes most women make in a growing love relationship (or their marriage) is to prioritize the sex over the talking. Usually this is because our society and culture has prioritized the physical part of relationships as being more important.
And let's face it - Communication isn't easy!
Or... is it?
You're going to be surprised at the real answer. I'll share that answer after I show you the steps of -
The truth is that if a man senses that a conversation you're going to have with him could lead to NOT HAVING SEX, he's going to check out and withdraw. He won't risk it.
I cover this in complete detail in my Passion Phrases program - but the fact is that men don't just want sex; we NEED it. It's a biological requirement for men to fall in love.
And one of the places where a man feels as if he has NO control is in the area of the bedroom. Men always feel that they're at the whim of the woman when it comes to satisfying his physical intimacy needs. If his girlfriend or wife isn't "in the mood," he's got to either wait or "handle it" himself.
It's even MORE true in marriage, by the way.
And trust me when I tell you that you NEVER want your man feeling like he should go anywhere else but you for those intimate love needs. That's part of marriage for a man.
So one of the best ways to get him to connect with you emotionally is to make sure your communication starts out sexy, fun, and light in tone. No matter what the topic might be!
The best way to make it easy for him is to start out on common ground with him.
Ever wonder why guys joke around so much with each other, giving them a hard time, etc.? Because this is the default "small talk" for guys. It's allows guys to communicate in emotional ways but not be all sentimental and vulnerable at the start.
(Again, don't shoot the messenger here. I'm telling you the Truth that most other dating and relationship experts won't tell you.)
Here is one area that men and women are actually very similar: We both crave physical touch as part of connection.
Women often use touch to "level set" the group if she says something strong or conspicuous. A woman will reach out to touch other women in the group instinctively to manage strong feelings.
Observe a group of women where one woman may start crying about something that's really affecting her. The other women with her will almost immediately reach in and hold her to reassure her and contain her feelings.
And to stop her from dwelling on her sadness!
Men need intimate touch during communication to be vulnerable. It helps us to feel safe and "held."
So be sure you use touch in the right way to keep him feeling safe, connected, and open to talking with you. It's a huge marriage tip for you as well.
Men have a limit to how much emotional content they can handle in a conversation. If it gets to be too much, he will feel "flooded."
This is actually the term for when a person feels that they are overwhelmed by the emotions in a conversation. Men hit their limit fairly quickly, so don't push your luck without knowing what his limits are.
One of the best ways to connect with him through emotions in conversation is to START with positive emotions.
For example, get him to talk about emotions like excitement, fun, and happiness.
Once he's talking about things that are fun and happy, you're more likely to talk about all the other intimacy stuff.
Just don't ever hit him out of the blue with a question like "What was your last breakup like?" or "What is LOVE to you?" and expect him to jump in and enjoy it.
You probably know intuitively that telling a guy everything about you on your first date is a no-no. In fact, it's a lot like introducing someone to a very cool movie, and then telling them the ending...
"So at the end of 'The Empire Strikes Back,' that's when you find out Darth Vader is Lukes FATHER! Crazy, huh?"
I don't know about you, but when people ruin movies for me, I don't get angry. I just feel a real disappointment inside.
That's what it feels like to a guy when a woman tells TOO much about herself on that first date. Or even if she gets TOO open in the marriage. (Yes, you need a little mystery even in your marriage.)
Whatever compels her to do it - call it jitters, excitement, or runaway nerves - but this kind of over-talk will not make you seem more mysterious (AKA desirable) to him.
And you still need to seem mysterious to a man if he's going to connect with you and love you.
"Wait, Carlos - WHAT? I have to HOLD BACK information to get a guy to connect with me emotionally?"
And here's why:
Men are more likely to reveal more intimacy about themselves to win your approval during the first few dates. The more you talk about YOU, the less he is going to feel the drive to talk about himself.
After all, why should he? You're the one going on and on - and not inspiring him to ante up.
You throw a few chips on the pile when each of you talks and reveals a bit. And when the pot is big enough, you both win!
But if you are the only one betting, he's going to be scared to add his own love chips to the pile of emotional intimacy.
So don't go crazy telling him everything. Let this be a nice, slow-paced game of MUTUAL disclosure.
If you'd like to connect with him - AND make him think you're the best conversationalist EVER - start asking him questions about HIS experience. Ask him what's going on in HIS life right now.
There's so much a guy never gets to talk about with anyone else - except maybe his family.
If you can follow these three steps, you can have almost ANY man eating out of the palm of your hand:
STEP 1: Ask Him a Sincere Question About His Life...
STEP 2: Listen to him with genuine interest and depth - and without judgment...
Sorry, there actually is no Step 3. It's even simpler than you could possibly imagine.
But can you DO IT?
Oh, wait - there is another love connection tip for you - If you can ask him about the things he enjoys most, such as his hobbies, you'll connect with him emotionally.
There's an old saying:
"If you want someone to think you're the most interesting person in the world, listen to them as if THEY are the most important person in the world."
If you've been following these steps, you'll eventually get to a place where the conversation can get much deeper. This is where the foundation of marriage can be created later on.
The truth is that you might not WANT to go too deep into intimacy.
But you must go deeper if you're going to really forge an unbreakable love connection with him.
The first part is that you need to be okay with going deep. You don't need to make it a big deal and ask his permission, or make it weird in any way.
Let me give you an example:
HER: "Hey, tell me if this is prying, or if it's too weird to talk about it or anything, but I'm curious how that was for you."
HIM: "Uh, what?"
HER: "Your, uh... your mom's..."
HER: "Uh yeah..."
COMPARED TO -
HER: "Was it hard for you when your mom passed?"
A man will appreciate the first example "A" as being very sensitive to his feelings, but it also seems to wimpy. As if you don't know how to talk about the hard stuff.
Whereas "B" feels more grounded and easier to answer.
With all that build up in Example A, you're going to get a watered down answer. He won't dig for any real love emotions because he'll wonder if YOU could handle it.
Instead, Example B - with compassion in your voice - will get him to really think about his answer. He'll dig in and give you some love emotions.
Which is what you need from him, even if it's a little struggle for him to come up with it.
And this leads me to the next tip for "Deeper Connection":
It's good for a man to feel free enough that he doesn't feel obligated to you - every once in a while. It's a liberating feeling for a man to know that you CAN take care of yourself.
This is a balancing act, of course. We men love to take care of the woman we love. We also really love the feeling of being the man you can't do without.
Buuuuut... every so often we guys really enjoy feeling like we are COMPLETELY FREE of all the weight of the world. Especially our obligations to our relationship and family - and even our marriage.
(It's more of a fantasy, so don't worry about your marriage. Hey - you even wonder occasionally.)
Mind you - this doesn't mean that every man wants to just run to Vegas whenever he needs to escape. It also does not mean that he will cheat on you at the drop of a hat, or throw away his marriage
It's just that every so often (every few months or so) he needs to not feel like he's "tied down." Or "controlled," "fenced in" - or any other phrase that implies his loss of freedom.
So if you'd want to really get him to connect, you have to be willing to also let him DISconnect as far as he feels he may need to. Even if it's only for an evening - or a weekend where he gets to hang out with his friends.
You can do this by not talking to him for a while. If you've got a secure enough love attachment style, you can simply choose to not contact him for a day. NOT text or call or feel you have to "check in."
YES - men will find your silence as CONNECTING!
The reason for this is that it creates a positive intimacy space between you that he WANTS to fill again.
If he's always on his guard about being run over by his girlfriend, he's going to take a cautious stance. Or that his wife is going to bash him over the head with his marriage situation.
If, on the other hand, he feels that you are not always pressing into his space, he'll reach out to initiate the love connection once more.
If you find yourself wondering: "But Carlos! What if I pull back - and he doesn't reach out to me again?" After all, that's the fear many women carry about this.
If you give him space, and he doesn't reach out - you never had him in the first place. You had a guy that was going along for the ride. Probably just waiting until something better came along.
You should consider yourself blessed that you found out now instead of after a few years of an unhappy marriage...
BUT - don't let me sound too negative here. If you've already got a decent love connection to him, this shouldn't be a worry for you. He'll come back to you.
As far as going deep - keep in mind:
DEEP RULE 1: Don't stay deep for too long... it feels suffocating.
DEEP RULE 2: Too Deep for too long feels invasive. You need to show good boundaries in communication, too...
DEEP RULE 3: Never say "I know how you feel." They don't care if you do, and don't believe you, either. Instead, silent empathy is all you need...
DEEP RULE 4: You need to balance your "intimacy deep talk" with "fun & shallow." It makes it much more safe for a man.
These little rules will help you manage emotional depth with your man...
AND FINALLY -
Okay, maybe "kill" is a bit strong. But you definitely don't need to let your inner "fixer" come up in conversation.
If you know what triggers your inner "Fixer," you can hopefully shut that voice off before it gets too annoying or works to ruin the connection with him.
In your marriage, this can be seen as the "shrew" situation - where a woman starts to work on fixing the things about her husband she never liked.
Because if you show that you are more interested in being right than making him feel loved, your chances at getting him to connect with you emotionally is going to be around ZERO.
Remember that your priority with him is to make him feel understood and ACCEPTED.
Let me say this again, because it's so important it MUST be repeated:
All people desperately crave the feeling of being understood - and being completely ACCEPTED.
If you can give him this feeling - that you understand where he's coming from - and that you accept him unconditionally, you'll win his heart. He'll fall in love.
And it won't take long for marriage or any other kind of commitment.
On the other hand, if you let your inner critic or - as my friend says - If you would rather parade your superiority, expect to have a very superficial relationship with him.
If you've been following these tips, he should now be much more softened and open to talking with you.
If he's still holding back or resisting you, you need to go back to the start and start light. Find some common ground, and then you can start building that connection again.
Most guys are pretty forgiving when it comes to that connection - if he's already feeling positive about your love. He'll give you a chance...
But the best solution is to know EXACTLY how men connect with women -
And how he connects with you!
Men have 5 Connection Styles - (or "Codes") do you know what they are?
Do you know what his connection code is?
Knowing how men connect is essential - from the first date all the way to when you walk the aisle with him...