When it comes to finding a man for a relationship - or to marry - most women want to know how to find love in today's dating world.
Sometimes it seems like the whole world is completely focused on getting a relationship with someone. Love is hard enough without us getting obsessive about finding a partner. But I'm here to help you with some tips for finding love.
First of all, I want to shoot down some of these -
Myth #1: You have to use online dating to find the right person for a relationship...
No, you don't have to use an online dating site at all, if you don't want to. This includes Tinder, Bumble, or a ton of the other popular ways people try to find a relationship or find love online.
I have been taking a survey of my readers for several years now, and I consistently get very raw, negative feedback about most people's experience with online dating.
Liars/exaggerations in profiles
Looking for money
Married guys looking for hookups, not love
I think this is because there are a lot of potential issues with online dating - AND there are also a lot of opportunities if someone learns how to use it correctly to find love.
But you certainly do not HAVE to use it for dating if you don't want to.
Myth #2: Stop looking for love - it will find you!
Another variation of this relationship myth is: "If it's meant to be, love will happen for you!"
Ugh. This myth always got under my skin. I mean, we all know that it's hard enough dating or finding a relationship when you're TRYING.
So how could it be better to stop trying?
Well, as this theory goes, the harder people try, the more they "force" the energy of the universe - which the universe resists.
What this love myth is really trying to say is:
"If you're a person who's focused hard on finding someone or meeting people for a relationship, you'll end up pushing them away..."
While there is some truth to that, the reality is that you DO have to look for the person you want if you want a romantic partner in your life.
Recent discoveries in psychology have shown us that if you keep a desire in your mind, you're more likely to discover ways to fulfill it. (Thank you to The Secret for hitting us over the head with that one.)
In reality, people tend to get what they focus on getting. If it's love you want to find, then keep your eyes opened for love. Just don't get too obsessive about it.
Myth #3: Opposites Attract! (NOT)
This one has been around for a very long time - the idea that love happens so quickly between a person and someone else who is not like them.
There's a psychology of why this "opposites attract" happens. But you only need to know that it happens because you're actually just irritated at the failure of your last relationship - where he was compatible and so much like you.
Or you were just blinded by scorching sexual chemistry. Hey, it happens.
But the reality is that you'll have much more success in dating a guy that's more like you than unlike you.
Seek the bricks of compatibility FIRST, and then make sure chemistry is there to cement them together.
If you want love in a healthy relationship and avoid the issues most people have in their relationships, you need to know that there are ways for how to find that love.
Here are just a few tips to get you moving -
How To Find the Right Person - Tip #1: Know What You Want FIRST
About 98% of the people I meet - even the ones I met in my seminars - didn't have a list of what they wanted in a partner. Sure, they had a vague idea, but they really didn't have a clear picture of how they'd know if they were to find love.
I think this might be why so many women ask the question "What are we?" in relationships with a guy. It's because she doesn't have a clear enough idea of what a relationship is for HER first. If she did, she'd know right away that this "friends with benefits" situation is not a relationship to her.
Take the next 5 minutes you would watch a pointless video on youtube to start a list of what you want in a mate...
A simple list of 10 must-haves, and maybe 10 must-nots, is all it takes.
Then, as you date and get more experience, you know what worked and what didn't work for you, and you can update your list.
Love Tip #2: Get Over Rejection - FAST!
KNOW THIS: No one likes rejection.
Not even the most seasoned sales person wants to be rejected - or enjoys it. So you gotta learn how to understand it.
Rejection is difficult because most of us live with the childhood wounds of never feeling fully accepted in our families.
It's sad that this is the way of our lives, and that this experience is SO common.
Once you get on the road to understanding that no rejection is a statement of your value or loving worth, you can get past it to find the love you desire.
And you must, because you need to take some risks out there.
And you have to be willing to take a chance that there are some men who DON'T want a relationship with you. Bid them godspeed, and move on to your love finding mission.
If he's not into you, fine. NEXT!
If he's unable to make a commitment, fine. NEXT!
If he's got dependencies, fine. NEXT!
If he's just looking for something casual - and you're not - NEXT!
The faster you move on, the faster you find the right love. I waited for 40+ years to make sure I got it right, and I did.
You can go see a therapist, get to work on your issues, and root out the bonding issues of your past if you need to. But get that ugly fear of rejection out of your life FAST.
You only have to get it right ONCE, my dear friend.
So let's get past the fears that someone else's opinion means anything and get dating - risk vulnerability and REAL connection.
Tip #3: Multiple streams of Dating Income
Okay, so this one takes a little explanation...
There was a popular author many years back that said that the key to finding financial independence was to have multiple streams of income in your life. His ideas made a lot of sense to me.
And then I realized that this approach to money would also work in relationships and finding love, too.
If you have 5 times as many ways to find love and a relationship, you're going to improve your odds of finding love by 500%. It's simple math!
This is why you can't just be using only ONE dating method to meet someone for love. You need more. This is probably the dating and relationship hack for the 2020s and beyond, if you use it.
Online dating (if you feel comfortable with how it works)
Phone apps that can connect you to your love
Singles events and parties
Speed dating - I used to host these, and they work for women who are brave enough to try
At the gym
At the grocery
At other business events
The list goes on and on, really. But what I notice is that the women who really want love and a relationship with someone - they actually DO these things. The women that are in retreat tend to see all the reasons why it won't work. (You'll see this pattern everywhere if you look for it, btw.)
The other way multiple streams of dating helps you is that you don't get too negative about any one dating method. If online dating is rough this month, you can go focus on singles mixers.
But the more doors you open, the more likely someone will walk through them into your life.
Tip #4: Put Your Phone Away...
One of the most important things to do when you want to attract a man or find a relationship with someone is to give them the opportunity to discover you.
IMPORTANT: Men are looking for a sign that he won't be rejected before he'll man-up and approach you.
Guess what happens to his motivation when he sees you're on your phone? Do you think he's motivated to interrupt you and pry you away?
Men approach AVAILABLE looking women.
You don't look available for love when you're locked on to your screen.
Our default mode these days is to find any moment of boredom and turn it into "play on my phone" time.
Reading the so-called "news"
Posting on Facebook
The next time you're out and about, stop for a second and look around you. Do an estimate of how many people are glued to their phones.
From my own estimate, 1/3 to 2/3 of people are stuck on their screens, oblivious to the world around them. (And I see more women than men, but they're catching up.)
Do yourself a favor and put your phone away...
You're losing opportunities left and right to find love by making yourself unavailable on your phone.
Tip #5: Stay Away From The NO-PLAYs...
I used to call the people that aren't really available as "NO PLAYS." Meaning that you really can't play the relationship game with them.
A man can be unavailable for many reasons:
He's got personal life/family problems to handle. (HINT: Don't fool yourself into thinking you'll get a lot of attention from a guy like this, you won't.)
He's in a dating relationship, no matter how uncertain that relationship is...
He's emotionally unavailable for love...
He's got a life problem that is beyond you - like addictions, or a health crisis...
The No-play guys out there are usually pretty easy to spot. If you look back on your old relationships you'll find that he gave you clues to his situation.
He was broadcasting his dating status, if you were paying attention.
You may even meet the occasional guy who knows he's a "No Play" guy and he tells you up front he can't play.
Do yourself a favor and LISTEN to him.
Tip #6: Know Your Needs For Love...
Along with that list of what you're looking for in a guy, you should have a list of what you need.
Your love needs are important!
I shouldn't have to say this, but I see couples every day where one or both of the people are not honoring or respecting their needs in the relationship.
Start out before you go on a date knowing what you need from him and a relationship. And then when you see that you're not getting your needs met, you'll know to stop dating. The decision will be clear.
As well as the decision to stay...
Tip #7: Don't Play The Wrong Game...
Again, you have to be vigilant in the game of love and relationships.
If you're looking for a relationship, and maybe even marriage, don't play the first - date hookup game...
If you're looking for a relationship, don't play the casual dating game for longer than a month or two. If he's not game to get serious, adios...
If you're looking to get married, don't talk about it at all for the first few months of dating. But after that, start making your goal clear...
Have fun if you want, but know that fast intimacy works against your goal if you're seeking a relationship.
Play the game you want to win, and stick to your rules. Chances are you know that the "casual sex" game will not find you love or a husband, no matter how hard you try.
Stop compromising your relationship goal for fear of ruining the relationship you have right now that isn't even a relationship you want.
Re-read that last line. It's deeper than you think...
Tip #8: Watch Out For FOMO & Comparing...
A lot of people are letting Facebook and other social media apps form their emotions.
If an alien race ever monitored our Internet to learn about us, they'd think:
Our culture is all about sharing pictures of the food we're about to eat...
Cats are celebrities...
We share so many sayings and wise words, while not living any of them...
Our relationships are awesome, our lives are fantastic, and we're never really sad on Facebook...
There are a lot of people out there that want you to think that you can "have your cake and eat it too." Which is just a confusing way to say that you can have "it all."
No one has it all. They just have something they pursued, whether it was their own wellness, education, or family goals.
Every person and relationships still has problems.
So don't get confused when you read a post on your friend's Facebook page that makes it look like they're in paradise, and you're a lonely loser. Most - if not all - of their posts leave out the ugly, dark stuff in their love life.
Tip #9: Get Ready To Walk...
I firmly believe that there are too many "walking wounded" out there in the dating world.
The walking wounded are the people who are running from relationship to relationship in a search for the person who will miraculously make all their anxieties and hurts go away. Or they think that love will wipe the slate clean.
Of course, no one - not even love - can ever do this, but it doesn't stop them from trying.
When it comes to having a healthy relationship, in order to make the connection you want, you have to become strong enough to walk on your own. Which also means being able to walk away from ANY relationship if it's not working for you.
The ultimate statement of your value is the ability to walk away if it's not working out.
Sure, you try your best to make it work. But if this love is not going in the direction that meets your needs, it's your obligation to yourself to move on to find the relationship that does.
Tip #10: Sprechen Ze Talk...?
There's a silly line in an 80s action movie where a really obnoxious character says: "Sprechen ze talk?" What makes him clueless is that he doesn't even know that "sprechen" actually means "talk" in German.
I use this silly phrase with my wife to tell her we should sit down and talk about how well the relationship is going. It's fun and lighthearted.
And it's also a funny way to point out that most of us struggle to communicate some of our most important needs to our partner. We just don't know how to communicate well in relationships these days.
One of the best skills you can learn for your relationship is how to communicate across your differences in a relationship.
I'd go so far as to say if you want to be a woman who is REALLY successful dating men, you better learn how to get HIM communicating his feelings and his needs back to you as well.
Yeah, in other words: You should be prepared to shoulder both sides of communication for a while if you really want your love partnership to work.
Again, most women just throw their hands up and wail about
"Why is it sooo complicated?"
The women who are married or secure in love simply accepted that 'complication' is the price of success in love...
Which one will you do, I wonder... ?
Finding Love In The Modern World
It might seem like finding a relationship today is harder than ever, but nothing has changed. In fact, we have more opportunity than ever to start dating the person we want.
We can choose the kind of personality we want online...
We can find more people in a shorter time than ever before...
You don't have to wait for a friend to set you up on a blind date...
If you meet someone long distance, it's easier than ever to travel to see them...
There's more information available about all the skills of relationships than ever before: Communication, relating, dating, negotiating, sex & intimacy - every topic imaginable...
You can approach your search for love as actively - or passively - as you want...
All it takes is the initiative from you to start your search and go after the relationship you want.
And if you have the right understanding about how men work and what men want, you'll find love.
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