First of all, going through a breakup with a man you are in love with can be extremely difficult.
A huge mix of emotions can hit you at once:
It might even be difficult to imagine your future without him in it. Whether or not you want this guy back, you know you have some unfinished business.
If you're really sure this is the guy for you, then you may want to think about how to get him back by making him realize what he's lost. You need to make him regret losing you before he moves on to someone new.
Time is short, so let's dig in...
The Big "R" - REJECTION
One of the most important parts of this process is understanding what you're going through right now. You're experiencing one of the most difficult emotional responses called rejection.
Rejection is extremely hard for the person who got rejected because they had no control. They had no say in the matter. And that feeling of powerlessness makes the experience of getting dumped all that much more horrible.
Frequently, getting rejected may push you to get that person back even if they are not good for you. Simply because your system was put into shock when they rejected you.
Which means your first response will be an urge to get him back. That feeling of rejection hijacks your system and erases all the bad memories. It's literally like having the rug pulled out from underneath you, leaving you dangling in space about to fall.
There is an old saying:
"The one who loves the least controls the relationship."
Unfortunately, most psychologists agree that this is true. The person who has the least amount of emotional leverage in the relationship tends to be the one most infatuated and subject to crazy love.
Want To Get Back At Him For Leaving You?
First of all, don't let it be about revenge.
Yeah, yeah, I get it- that irritation and anger you feel sure would be better if you knew he was miserable too. You'd love it if he was worried about missing out on a relationship with you.
But you don't want this to be only about vengeance. Deep inside I think most people realize that's the wrong motivation for anything.
The feeling of satisfaction won't last long - if you feel it at all
It won't have the effect you hope it will
You will probably regret it afterwards
The best thing you can do is to let compassion guide you, not a need to hurt somebody back just because you feel hurt.
STEP ZERO: What They Never Tell You...
The one thing nobody ever tells you about winning him back, or just making him wish he had you back, is that you need one thing above all else to make it work.
If you are easily undone with your own impatience, or your insecurities get the better of you - and you act impulsively regularly, there's a good chance this will not work for you.
In a way, this is good. Because it allows you to separate yourself from 90% of all other women simply by having better self-control. Even if he is dating another woman, chances are she doesn't have any self-control. And right now, she probably doesn't think she needs any.
This is your advantage. Use it while you got it!
NOW let's jump into the steps you can take to get him to regret losing you instead of you feeling this way... And stick around with me to the end because I have to warn you about some mistakes you might make.
STEP 1: Make Him Realize You're Not Devastated
Yes, there's a good chance you really are devastated by this. But you can't let him know that.
The ugly truth is that the more we think we can affect another person's emotions, the less we feel attracted to them.
I call this the "aloof principle." This has been proven over and over again in psychology and relationship studies.
Remember: ultimately you want him to feel the same emotions you're feeling right now. Right now, you would do anything to get him back. You probably feel like proving yourself to him as well. And there's a part of you that is ready to be thankful if you can pull this off.
This is how you want him to feel about you, Right?
Simply tell him that you are fine with the breakup. Don't make a big deal out of it.
Don't show him emotions that give away how rattled and hurt you are.
You might even want to push back a little harder and let him know that you were thinking of taking a break.
The truth is that if you had seen this coming you could have taken a preemptive strike. Meaning you could have broken up first, and kept the upper-hand.
When a person feels that they are the one who is easier to walk away from, it stirs up a small amount of anxiety and uncertainty.
This guy might have felt like he was on top of the world, maybe even a little cocky. There's a good chance he didn't appreciate your relationship.
And now he will have the chance to regret losing it.
STEP 2: The No-Contact Rule
In the weeks following the breakup, you want to make sure he has plenty of space to miss you in.
You may have heard about something called the "No Contact Rule." This is simply a period of time where you avoid connecting with him in any way.
Here are a few of the things you cannot do:
Message him online
See him in person (unless you can't possibly avoid it)
It's called the no contact rule for a reason - you're trying to keep him off of your mind, while making him think about you as much as possible.
I'll be honest with you upfront and let you know that most women can't do this very well. Something usually triggers panic attack that makes her reach out to him too early. If you do this, you will ruin the effect and it is unlikely he's going to regret breaking up with you.
And it's unlikely he will want to get back together.
The trick of the no contact rule is very simple:
Do whatever it takes to avoid giving in to your weakness and trying to contact him.
Most of the women I coach make this one mistake every single time - they text him in a moment of weakness. (Or after a couple glasses of wine) and then get caught up in old patterns with him that remind him about why he left in the first place.
And then they just break up all over again - this time for good.
Don't make this mistake!
You should make the no-contact period at least three weeks. Better if you can make it a month. But don't go too much longer or you run the risk of him moving on.
STEP 3: If You Upgrade, He'll Feel Left Behind
The most common reason that a couple breaks up is that one of them feels that something is missing in the other one. This is especially true with men.
Unfortunately, most women don't find out what he thought was missing while they were together. And after they break up, she then starts to badger him to find out what it was so she could fix it.
If you could've seen the future, you could have stopped this from happening. But you didn't.
So what do you do now?
Answer: You upgrade yourself!
Most of the time, a man doesn't know what he really thinks is missing from the relationship.
All he knows is he needs to see more independence, initiative, and confidence from you. You may have even had a conversation with him where he seems unhappy, but he can't seem to communicate what it is he really needs from you.
Well, now that you are broken up, you can finally address it. All he needs to see is that you can do things for yourself - separately from him.
This is the time to take on all of your self-improvement projects.
Get to the gym - especially if you've put on a few pounds while you two were together...
Get your wardrobe updated - If you've been hanging out with him on the weekends in your sweatpants, it's time to get back into full fashion mode
Try on a new mop - Go get your hair cut and styled - sure go for the highlights while you're at it
Pick up that book you were reading and finish it
Start an online course or enroll for a class
You see, men will unwittingly test you by drawing you into an intense romance for the first few weeks.
And then, he might disappear for a little while.
Usually this is because he needs to recharge his masculinity. But it's also likely this will throw you for a panic loop thinking that he's rejecting you when he's not.
The problem happens when the woman doesn't recharge her femininity and independence while he's away. Instead, she panics and starts calling, texting, and pulling on him to come back to her. Then he feels like she is clinging to him.
It's an ugly spiral that can kill a romance.
The good thing is while you are using this time for taking care of yourself, you will also be distracting yourself from what you feel you lost - HIM.
And when he sees you're acting on your own, he's going to feel like he needs you again. (The one who loves the least... remember?)
STEP 4: Make Your Appearance
Finally, when the time comes, you have to appear in his life somewhere. If even working on yourself - as you should be - then it's time to get him interested again. He's had time to regret it, now he has the chance to act on it.
One of the first places might be on Facebook. You might find a way to post something you know he will eventually see. Ideally, this would be pictures of you looking happy, healthy, vibrant.
Another good way for him to start hearing about you is to go to places you know his friends would see or notice you. They'll be sure to report to him what they saw.
At this point, it's all about getting him curious about you again.
If it's difficult for you to randomly run into him, you may have to make a deliberate plan for getting him to notice you again.
You can also just reach out directly to him and meet up for lunch. You can say you were curious about how he was doing these days and you wanted to "catch up."
Almost everybody entertains thoughts of "did I do the right thing?" after a breakup. Just having the time apart is usually enough to get him wondering and possibly regretting the breakup.
So you don't have to work very hard to get him to second-guess himself.
The challenging part is that you are liable to make a bunch of mistakes that will make him more certain that the breakup was a good idea.
Let's talk about some of the mistakes you might make -
Make Him Regret Losing You - MISTAKE: Cling-Ons, Warp Speed!
As I mentioned before, that ugly spiral of insecurity can really mess up your relationship.
If you get clingy or needy with him during this no contact, make-him-regret period, you can completely freak him out. Remember that he needs peace.
Getting in contact with him too soon will make him run away. If you feel you're in danger of reaching out too quickly, reach out to a friend instead and have her talk you down from it. You'll be glad you did.
Make Him Regret It - MISTAKE: Getting A Little Bit Weird
In just about every situation that I've reviewed with men that I've coached, as well as my own experience, one thing happens pretty frequently during the no contact zone:
If the woman encounters the man in a social or necessary situation, she has a hard time being normal.
And what I mean by "normal" is, she shows her awkwardness on the outside far too much.
You can see all her confusion about what to do
She doesn't know how to act around him
She usually acts either too happy and excited, or stand offish and negative. Running extremely hot and cold.
A lot of people assume that women are much more " together" than men are when it comes to social situations. But the truth is that women run into their own awkwardness just as much.
The secret to knowing how to handle him if you have to encounter him is planning in advance. All you need to do is rehearse it in your mind.
Here's how you want to behave:
Cool, but not too distant
Warm, but not too friendly
If that's too confusing, just act as you would if you had just met him that night. Not too familiar, but friendly. Social, but not necessarily romantic.
What you should avoid is acting like you don't know how to act.
Be smooth, cool, calm, and collected. Even if it's only an act. Don't worry, he won't know the difference.
Dumping You - BIG MISTAKE: Not Building Up Your Foundation...
Again, the most common mistake women make is to show men their needy and insecure side when their emotions are compromised. When you're rejected, you're going to feel an irresistible pull towards soothing that feeling of anxiety. (Hey, who wouldn't?)
It's almost like you can't help yourself. Your brain gets hijacked - literally.
But if you can't control your responses or impulses, you're very likely going to mess it up.
You have to take some time to get back in touch with your confidence.
Work on your self-esteem a bit.
Do whatever you have to do to feel so good about yourself that he can't shake you up or throw you into a panic.
Go to seminars
See a therapist
Talk to a counselor
Just do whatever it takes to build up your own self-confidence. Remember that his love for you will be in proportion to your confidence about yourself.
If you're feeling confident about yourself, you're not likely to lose your cool, freak out, panic, or anything else that would scare him off.
(And if you don't know about the 7 mistakes women make that push men away, you need to get my ebook - just look up near the top or bottom of the page and you'll see it.)
The best way to have self-confidence with men is to LEARN HOW MEN WORK.
When you understand guys, you'll have rock-solid confidence with men...
You won't worry or second-guess yourself...
You'll have a strong intuition about what you need to do and when you need to do it...
You won't feel the constant pull of anxiety about where you stand with him...
Relationships will cease to be a mystery to you...
And yes, men will make sense to you. You'll understand why he does what he does.
If you'd like to learn about how men work - and why many women fail to keep a guy interested, go take a look at this article on how to connect with men.
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