Nothing is more frustrating - and more common, it seems - than the experience of texting a guy and he stops replying to you. You get GHOSTED.
It sounds like some kind of supernatural disease - GHOSTING... but it's one of the most common dating experiences these days.
In fact, it's become pretty common for guys to stop texting women without much of a warning or any explanation for why.
Now, to be fair, women do the same thing to guys. But since this is a report for women, we're only going to talk about the reasons guys do it. And how you can - hopefully - fix it.
- "Why do guys text me and then disappear?"
- "Was it something I said that made him stop responding?"
- "I thought we were doing so good - What the heck happened?"
You may have asked yourself these questions, too. I'm here to help you out - and show you the reasons why guys stop replying to your texts - and help you get past this obstacle to finding a quality boyfriend.
Why Did He Stop Communicating?
First off, you have to realize that men don't think about texting the way women do. This is really important because most women assume that men take texting really seriously.
The reality is that men don't really like to text all that much. Oh sure, he will say that he likes to text his friends and his family. But the truth is that most guys only text when they absolutely have to. Or just to touch base and pass along some logistical information.
Texting is a fun little playground for a guy who has just met a woman. He will text you to gauge whether or not you're actually interested in him.
But the game can get tiring really quick for guys. Which is why we tend to ignore our phones to get a little bit of a break.
There are a lot of reasons that a guy might stop texting you.
Reason 1: He's involved with someone else...
Well, the truth is that this is a possible reality. A lot of people go out and date a lot of other people. Which means that if you weren't able to stay in his " favorite zone" then he may have moved on.
Of course there's also the possibility that he was never free in the first place. Meaning, yes, he was married. Or in another relationship.
Or somehow otherwise attached.
Now, don't get judgy. Studies say that at least one third of all women online dating are actually just looking for some attention they're not getting in their current relationship. That's right, they're just in need of validation.
Some may be shopping to see if they really want to end their current relationship for something new.
So it's not something that just guys do.
Sometimes the person we meet isn't the one for us. No matter how much we might like them to be, we realize on some level that they weren't a good fit.
I've had plenty of first dates where I was so sure that it would have been a great connection, but the woman inevitably ghosted me. Yes, it happens on both sides of the fence.
Reason 2: He lost interest...
Yes, this is certainly a possibility. It does happen quite frequently.
And depending on how you met this guy, that could happen a lot.
Let's face it: In the absence of reminders about how much chemistry we felt, we will just assume that there was none.
Men are very visual. Which means that if he doesn't have something to remind him of you, it can be difficult for him to remember a good reason to chase you.
And this could have nothing to do with how attractive you are. The simple fact of the matter is that if he doesn't have a potent reminder of his experience with you, there's a good chance he will just lose his interest.
You will fade out of his awareness.
This is actually pretty easy to fix. You just have to know some strategies for how to text the guy to remind him. And it also helps to know what to do on those important first dates.
We'll come back to this in a bit...
Reason 3: It's HIS problem!
The fact is that whatever the problem is that makes him stop texting and connecting with you, it's his problem - Not yours.
There are a billion-and-one different reasons why a guy might not be able to stay in contact and keep texting you.
- He's focusing on his job...
- He's got family issues pulling on him...
- He had an emergency...
- He lost his phone - or it broke...
- He got back together with an ex...
- He lost his job...
- He started a new job... or a new business...
- He had a change of heart about dating...
The real lesson here is to not make up stories in your head about why he fell out of contact. You can't possibly know the real reason.
And the real reason might have absolutely nothing whatever to do with you!
And, even more important, no matter how many times a guy stops texting you, the reasons he stopped sending you texts don't have to be connected to any of the other situations. Meaning, each person's reason for disconnecting can be totally different.
And none of them have to be "connected" in any way.
The point is, you just don't know until you know the exact reason. And you may never find out the exact reason.
So you should stop torturing yourself wondering if there's some hidden flaw about you that you're not seeing. You're fine. Just resume the search and don't let his behavior change your self image.
But the real point here is to get him to text you back, right?
So let's take a look at that -
How To Get Him To Text You Back
This is the question you probably want answered the most.
Here are a few quick tips for getting a guy to respond:
TIP #1: The WTF
One of the most powerful tricks for getting a guy's attention is to confuse him slightly. Everybody is vulnerable to this.
We humans don't like it when there's something on our mind that we can't figure out. It bugs us. And it preoccupies our attention.
So one thing you can do is to send him a quick text that will make him scratch his head and need to find out more. It will tickle his curiosity.
What you can do is this: send him a random text. Something that could be an answer to someone else's question or text.
- Let's say you just texted the date for some event to your sister.
- You send the exact same text to him.
- And when he text you back: "???" or "What is on July 14th?" - Voila! Now you've got another conversation started.
I can hear you now, you're probably saying: "Carlos, that's kind of weird and maybe a little bit gamey."
Well, here's the reality:
- If I were to ask you "does the ends justify the means?" What would you say?
- If I asked you does it matter as long as you get a response from him, what would you say?
I think you'd say that it's worth it to at least restart the connection and the communication. Or have a chance to restart it.
If you disagree, then don't do this. But sometimes it takes an extraordinary measure to get what we want. But very often what I find is that most women don't want to do this because they were afraid of how they will be perceived by him.
Let me just remind you that you won't be perceived by him at all for the rest of your life if you don't do something.
I'm sure you've heard enough quotes about how "what other people think about you doesn't matter." But do you really believe that?
Are you actually a slave to other people's perceptions of you?
Just take a chance and do something different. In this situation you have nothing to lose.
Of course there are other ways of doing this. You could just ask a really crazy question out of the blue, like if he's ever met a celebrity, or if he still remembers his childhood phone number.
There's lots of ways of defying expectations. And that's what this tip is about - don't be so predictable.
And don't be afraid to rattle his cage. After all what do you have to lose?
TIP #2: Keep it short and sweet
When you first start communicating with a guy, the best thing you can do is to keep your texts very very short.
Frequently I talk with and coach women about this, telling them that they are putting way too much into their texts.
You can't text a guy like you would text your girlfriend. You have to show a lot more restraint, and play a lot more hard to get.
Here is a general rule about texting him so that you don't burn him out:
Only text him one sentence at a time.
You've got to avoid these essay texts.
- When your text has to be continued in another text bubble, you gone on way too long...
- If you ask him more than one question in the same text - that's too long...
In just a few words, you might not have thought through the message clearly either. And he'll notice that.
The best communicators say things in the fewest words possible.
If you've ever gotten a response to a text that look like this:
You know how frustrating that can be. So why not give it back to him once in a while? Let him feel the same frustration.
It can be a really good idea to say too little and UNDER communicate when texting.
TIP #3: Let him start the fire
Do you feel like you're always texting him first? Usually, that's a symptom of the problem.
You may have been doing this all along. And he got used to it.
Another good rule of thumb is that you should only text him after he's texted you.
If you text him too much, it won't seem special anymore. And he won't feel like replying as much either.
The goal is to make him think about you more than you think about him.
Always remember that.
And ask yourself if what you're about to do is getting you closer to that goal or further away. That should help you figure out what to do and when to do it.
TIP #4: Don't tease him like that
A lot of women will throw out a suggestive naughty text to a guy to get a response. And you'll probably get a response.
But here's what happens:
- He will see your flirty/dirty text and text you back
- Then he's going to expect your text exchange to get even more dirty
- And that's always going to make him think of you as his friend with benefits - not a serious romance
If he only replies to you because he thinks he's going to get some, you're just setting yourself up for that kind of relationship. And you will know exactly what he's thinking about you.
Remember: You train him to treat you the way he treats you.
It will be like this throughout your relationship. So start it off right.
TIP #5: Stop watering dead plants
I saw a good quote and posted it to my Facebook group recently.
"Stop texting first and see how many dead plants you been watering"
I think that's a pretty accurate assessment. There are a lot of people who are texting people who aren't really all that interested. Some of them may actually be too polite to ghost you.
But if you stop texting them and they text you back anyway, you probably have someone that's interested.
Keep in mind that if somebody is interested they will put in the effort to stay connected.
That's a rule you can count on. If you're chasing them, that's coming from insecurity.
Stop doing it.
TIP #6: Maybe don't be so eager
Yeah, it's tiring for a guy to go back and forth texting you for more than a couple exchanges. Which leads me to another bit of advice:
Be very careful not to text him more than two times in a row.
What I mean by this is, if he texts you and you reply more than two times in a row, it's going to feel like a conversation. And trust me when I tell you that guys find text conversations to be kind of tiring.
Which is why so many guys like to send suggestive and explicit texts. Ultimately he's just trying to test his boundaries.
Sure, you've probably had guys send you unauthorized pictures of their "male anatomy." This is because he has lost his perspective on behaving like a gentleman, sure. But there is some clueless part of them that really does just want to flirt.
(But seriously, if he sends you a picture of his junk, delete the picture and delete him.)
TIP #7: Don't rely on texting so much...
I'm sure all will lose a bunch of women with this bit of advice, but it's probably the most important thing you can hear right now.
It's my experience that women rely far too much on texting to communicate with men. They've mostly given up phone calling, or talking in person in any way.
Don't get me wrong, texting is great for communicating. But using texts for a guy is not a good way to start a relationship.
Deep down in your heart you probably already know this to be true.
- Guys simply aren't as much into texting. And if you insist on texting him a lot, you will probably lose him - eventually.
Most of my coaching clients come to me with texting problems. But texting is usually not the actual problem.
The problem is they rely on texting way too much.
Think of all the things you miss out on when you communicate in a text:
- Tone of voice
- Eye contact
- Body language
- The subtle vibe between you
I do therapy sessions with clients over video these days. One thing I caution them about is that even on video you can only ever get to 60 to 70% of the feeling of being in the same room with someone. There is simply no way to capture that last 30 to 40% without BEING physically present with them.
The same is especially true for romance. And probably more so.
If you're only texting, you're sending a 10% communication, with no tone, no body language, and none of the "vibe" of being together.
And if you think about it -
- There's no way you're going to get married on a zoom call...
- You won't buy your first house on Skype...
- You won't have your first kids while on speakerphone...
I know that sounds kind of silly, but you get my point. You're not going to fall in love using only texting as your communication.
We have to get back to intimate, face-to-face communication with people. The United States is in a crisis of connection right now, and our relationships are really no different.
I'm not saying to stop texting completely. But you'll be much more successful if you mix in regular voice phone calls, drop in visits, video calls, and texting less to accelerate the intimacy between you.
TIP #8: Maybe you should take the first strike...
If you feel like he's starting to fade away, you should take the first step. Whether that's the first step to pull him back to you - or cut him off and get rid of him - you need to do it. If only for your self-respect.
My suggestion is that you cut him off first and move on. Sometimes that's all he needs in order to rejuvenate his interest in you. A little healthy independence that reminds him you have value.
Yes, very often this kind of hard-to-get is what he needs to see from you. Too many women bend over backwards for guys only to get walked on like a rug. You may have experienced this yourself.
The reason this happens is because human beings do not respect people who don't stand up for themselves. It's a very simple social rule, but we very often forget it.
It's just like that kid in the playground who wanted you to be their friend so badly. They would do anything for you, and you found yourself disrespecting them and secretly resenting them.
Instead, be the woman who respects herself too much to waste her time on a disinterested man!
The Secret To Texting Him - And Not Having Him Fade Away...
Remember that the trick about dating is choosing the right person.
You don't ever want to get into the game where you choose the guy who was the most disinterested in you.
And you should never choose somebody based on a feeling of scarcity. Where you feel that you need to hold on to any guy you can manage to keep because you don't feel prized.
My mentor once said to me:
"The best way to live your life is to say 'I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Not even myself.'"
I've tried to live that way as best I can.
And that's something I encourage you to bring to your dating.
- Stop trying to impress people...
- Stop trying to prove that you're the right person for someone...
- Stop bending over backwards to win favor and approval...
Instead, you should be looking for the man who recognizes your value. He's the one who will gladly chase you. He's the one who will also work to connect with you.
How do you find this guy, you ask?
It starts with knowing how to read men. This is an ESSENTIAL skill that most women simply don't have.
And because of that, it was one of the first things I put together to show women.
If you'd like to find out how to read men's signals, go take a look at this...