Why Does He Keep Coming Back? When he doesn't even want a relationship?
By: Carlos Cavallo
If you've ever had a relationship that was rocky, and sometimes downright difficult, you may wonder why does he keep coming back?
Is he half interested?
Is he just using me?
What the heck is going on?
This can really drive you nuts because you feel like you have a good relationship. It's especially confusing if the relationship is passionate.
Does he love you?
What's going on in his head?
Why does he keep giving you false hopes?
As it turns out, men have a pattern with coming back to relationships.
And if you don't know what his behavior means, you might misunderstand and leave a perfectly good relationship it's on its way to marriage.
And this can feel even worse when he hasn't given you much of a commitment yet.
Do you experience any of these situations:
He cancels plans last minute with some fabricated excuse
He doesn’t treat you with the love or compassion that you deserve
He acts like a completely different person, sometimes when other people are around
He hasn’t introduced you to his friends or family
He doesn’t really plan things in the future with you
He just expects you to be ready whenever he calls on you
He loves it when you guys “get physical” but acts distant otherwise
This is a common problem that women have and don't even realize it. But again, the truth is that he's working things through in his head. Without guidance, and making wild assumptions that he will never ask you about.
It can be really confusing and difficult to know if you should stick with it or just walk away. Especially if it's your ex boyfriend that just can't stop coming back to you.
It doesn't really matter even who broke up with who!
It drives you nuts when he keeps leaving, and then he keeps coming back to you. Over and over again.
Have you ever had a boyfriend break up with you, and then he's engaged six months later to someone new?
The truth is that he's not marrying her, he's actually marrying you. She just happened to jump in the right place at the right time, and now she is his "replacement." (He still knows it's all really YOU, though.)
He's pinning his hopes that he had with you on HER.
Now, let's review what he really means by this phrase:
“I don't really want a relationship.”
He may not have said that in those precise words, but that's what you are left with.
He doesn't seem to want to make a commitment
He doesn't want a relationship
He doesn't want to be entangled or in anything “complicated”
Well, the truth is that he does want a relationship.
If you've been reading my articles, listening to my podcast, watching any of my videos, you know that I give you the straight truth about what men are thinking. Because I'm a man. And I spent over a decade working with men on why they choose one woman for a relationship instead of another.
Because, let's face it, if he didn't really want a relationship, and you probably think most men don't, how the heck are so many people in the world getting married and having kids?
After all, every single marriage requires two people!
Well, the truth is that men do want relationships. And YES - he probably wants a relationship with you.
When he says “I don't want a relationship” - what he's really saying is this:
“I want to see how you’re going to react when I tell you I don’t want a relationship.”
Yes, it's a test. And it's a test he doesn't even know he's giving you.
Well, I'll come back to that in a little bit, so stick with me.
Let’s take a look at the reasons why he keeps coming back to you.
REASON 1: You are a convenient booty call.
Yeah, I hate to say this one, but it's true. A lot of women let men keep coming back for favors when they're broken up.
You know the pattern right? You guys break up, and then he's texting you a week later to come by and “talk.”
You let him come over because you want to see if maybe he wants to get back together. And the next thing you know it, you're waking up in bed together.
You're happy as can be, until you start expecting that things will go back to the way they were. And he doesn't even begin to mention restarting the relationship again with you. Or getting back together.
Inside your head, you're screaming “What are we?”
He doesn't mean to do it, but what he ends up doing is sending you a bunch of mixed signals. And it feels like torture.
And it's not even because he's trying to use you. Something interesting has happened where now that the pressure is gone from having a relationship, it's much easier to be with you.
You might even notice how much better you are together when there's no real heavy relationship talk.
Again, this is because there's no pressure to have a relationship or be pushing it in a particular direction.
REASON 2: You're not really into having a relationship.
I know, this is going to sound crazy. But very often a guy can pick up on the vibe a woman gives off. And even though a woman says she's interested in a relationship, she isn't willing to really be vulnerable.
I confess, I have had several relationships like this in the past. Funny enough, I broke up with one girlfriend because she wouldn't make a commitment to me.
A few weeks after the breakup, I go over to her house one night, and one thing leads to another.
As I'm driving home from her place later that night, I'm wondering if this means we're together again.
As it turns out, we weren't. (And this is a pattern I saw quite regularly - Women avoiding commitment when they realized the challenge of a relationship with a man who really WANTS a relationship.)
Men go through this kind of confusion at times, too. Mostly because there are a lot of women out there who also don't want to be committed. But they say they do.
Do you know what signs and signals you are giving off?
REASON 3: He has the stereotypical commitment phobia.
Some women call this being “emotionally unavailable.”
But, truthfully, most men don't always have a fear of commitment. What we fear is being committed to the wrong woman.
In 2017, there were around 2.24 million marriages in the United States. Apparently there are plenty of men who are committing to a relationship and then getting married. So what is it really?
I'm sure you've had this happen to you, and I'm sure you didn't want to think of yourself as the "woman he didn't want to commit to."
After all, you're perfect, right? I'm sure you've done everything perfectly. You showed him that you would be the most excellent woman for him to make a commitment to.
To have a relationship with.
To propose to and marry...
Yes, I'm sure you are perfect.
I'm only slightly being sarcastic here. What you didn't realize was that many of the signals you were sending were actually freaking him out.
In real life, most guys don't need you to prove that you'd be an awesome wife. He’ll figure this one out on his own.
What he needs to be absolutely sure is that you're not the wrong woman for him.
And sometimes he can't tell that you're Ms. Right when all you're doing is trying to prove how right you are for him!
It's like a smokescreen. It blinds him.
However, there is a distinct chance that he's one of the guys that doesn't know how to manage his own emotions. He might REALLY be unable to make a commitment due to emotional issues.
Unfortunately, as the woman in his life, you have to help him with this if you want him to get past it.
Guys don't grow up understanding how to manage their emotions very well.
I know, I know, news flash.
But truthfully if he's going to figure out his own emotions, he may need your help.
In fact, I guarantee you he will.
And this is one of the reasons I created my programs for women. I show women how to communicate with men in a way that makes him convinced you're The One for him.
If you have a guy that is emotionally disconnected and can't make a commitment, you have to learn how to talk him down from the ledge and keep him from running away.
REASON 4: He needs a therapist
I'm not being snarky here. There are a lot of guys that simply can't handle a relationship and run away. Then they run back when they realize the relationship really is what they need.
And then they run away again.
This guy is the more extreme version from reason number three above. These guys not only don't want relationships - they run from them!
And he will need to get his butt into a therapist office for some deeper work. Otherwise, he will simply keep doing this emotional tug-of-war on your heart.
REASON 5: He's not looking for marriage
This may sound obvious but many women overlook this fact. Guys don't want to get married until they are more financially stable. Until then, he's simply going to date around a lot.
And if you want a commitment from him, you may not be right for each other.
There, I said it.
The simple truth is that sometimes he's not a commitment-phobic or crazy. He just doesn't want what you want ...yet.
I explained in my connection code program about how men need to focus on building their empire for a few years. That doesn't mean he won't want a relationship, but it won't be his primary focus. If you can stay with him, you may be surprised that one day he will suddenly want marriage and a family.
But you have to stick around to find this out - When HE finds this out.
REASON 6: He's attracted but not committed.
Sometimes we run into a person that's not right for us and we realized that all we have going on is the physical connection.
You probably experienced this at some point in your life. The bedroom time is fun, but you don't share a lot in common outside of that room.
Again, that's okay. You don't have to make every relationship last forever.
In fact, that points back to insecurities in you more than a problem with him.
Please also beware of the advice out there that makes this situation ALL his fault. It’s easy to paint men as the relationship “villains” - unable to stick around because they are really immature boy-men. This is a popular misperception.
Most guys really do want a relationship.
REASON 7: It’s simple.
And by simple, I mean that it's just simpler to keep seeing you than go back in the dating pool again.
It’s always easier to come back to a woman when he finds you easy to be with. Especially if he started dating again and realized how good he had it with you.
Most of us break up from a relationship and then realize just how difficult it is to go through the early stages of dating all over again.
Think about it: It can really suck to get to know a person, go through all that effort to feel comfortable together, and then realize you got to do it all over again with a new person.
For that reason alone, many of us go back to old relationships over and over again.
There's no crime there. Except that you'll never get into a new relationship until you finally end the old one.
And let's face it, amazing chemistry can feel like you won the lottery. It's incredibly hard to walk away from for both people.
But you must walk away if you're with the wrong person. There is NO other way.
REASON 8: He doesn’t want to lose his freedom.
The honest truth is that most guys you think are in love with you actually are in love with you. He's not just some degenerate trying to trash your heart.
However, deep down inside, men desperately need their freedom. It's one of our most cherished values in life.
So when a guy is faced with a relationship that might take away some of his liberty, he might run for the hills. If you try to push too hard, he will jump ship.
There may not be any problem with him either. This doesn't point to a deep psychological issue. It's simply the way men are.
The simple way to solve this one is to make sure he knows he won't be imprisoned in your relationship.
Show him how you both can have your freedom and enjoy each other at the same time.
And if you think you may have been constricting his freedom, ask yourself if you might have some insecurities at work here. Maybe there are jealousy issues that lead you to want to control him and the relationship.
REASON 9: He wants more but doesn’t know how to ask for it…
Here's the real challenge for you. A guy doesn't know how to voice his needs. Beyond sexual of course.
So when it comes to a relationship, you're going to have to read between the lines for him. Sorry, but it's just the way it is in relationships most of the time. If you want the relationship to work best, and fire on all cylinders, then you need to be ready to take the helm.
Chances are he wants a relationship if he keeps coming back to you. But he doesn't know how to navigate to get the kind of relationship he wants.
There's a good chance he wants to make sure he won't be run over by you.
There's also a good chance he wants to make sure his freedom won't be taken away.
A man takes just as many risks going into a relationship as a woman does. Sometimes more.
And what he needs most is to hear about this from you.
Again most women don't know how to talk to men about relationships. They wing it.
And that's a surefire recipe for disaster!
If he keeps coming back, you need to figure out what it is he's looking for and can't find. Because I can assure you that you must have something worth coming back to for him.
And when it comes to relationships, that's about 80% of it if you really think about it.
Now, if you found yourself asking the question:
“Okay, but how do I get him to come back and stay?”
There's usually a way to do this. And it will depend on where he is in his life at that moment.
You have to know how to connect with him. This is the one skill that most women lack.
The first question I ask most women I coach is,
Do you know what his connection code is?
Most women don't understand that men have a particular connection type. If your types are exactly the same, and you also happen to communicate with that connection type, you might do this automatically.
But most women don't.
The truth is that relationships don't work by default!
Most relationships will end because one or both people in them don't have the skills to make it work.
If your connection type doesn't match his, you're probably making a lot of mistakes when you're talking to him. Like, a metric TON of mistakes!
And since guys don't have a good way to describe this feeling of disconnect, he will just throw his hands up and walk away.
Yes, he might even give up on his soulmate - YOU! - All because he doesn't know how to tell you that you're not connecting with him right.
It's a little bit like not knowing which adapter to plug into your phone. iPhones have one type, Android phones have another. And even the same phone from different years aren't the same. You never know which new phone cord you'll have to get.
Well those days are over!
Now you can figure out exactly what to say to get him to stay.
No more leaving and coming back again.
The secret is in knowing how to connect with him in a way that other women' CAN'T.
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