Knowing how to flirt with a guy over text is one of the dating tools that your mom never had to deal with years ago. But if she's single, she might have to know how to do it - the same way you do!
It's not hard to keep a man interested - if you know what to say to him. The problem is that most women don't really understand the differences in how men communicate versus how women do. There are some things that can blow up in your face if you don't take care to get the right words and the right phrasing.
A good friend of mine gives advice online (similar to what I do for women.) But she gives advice to MEN. And one of the big mistakes I see is that she talks to guys the same way she talks to women - using the same words. And they sound really awkward to a guy's ear.
"Blow your socks off." I can't remember the last time anyone said that to me that wasn't 80 years old and jangling quarters in their pockets...
"Namby pamby." Again, not a term that men find helpful or even understandable...
The moral of that story is that you want to really think about the words and the phrases you use with men, because a simple wrong word at the wrong time could be all he needs to look elsewhere.
Speak his language!
Now, before we get started, I want to tell you about how these texts work.
You need to know that there is only one way that text flirting can help you - it's to get him emotionally connected to you.
Well, a good part of it is attitude. In fact, if I had to give you either ATTITUDE or the WORDS to use, you'd be better off with attitude every day of the week.
Because the truth is:
It's not only what you say, it's how you say it.
If there's one thing I want you to get from this article, it's that if you have the right attitude, you can say almost anything to anyone.
But if you have a hesitant or weak way of talking, you could recite Martin Luther King's amazing "I have a dream" speech and completely lose your audience. (Listen for the conviction and belief in MLK's voice and you'll know what the difference is.)
Yes, the words are important, too. I'll come back to this in a bit so you can understand what words work with men.
In fact, there's a really good chance you're looking up this article because you know what you're doing isn't working the way you want it to. AND you don't want to keep making these mistakes with him.
How To Text Flirt With Him - Step One: Know The Rhythm...
Before you send ONE WORD to him in text, STOP. Just - stop for a second and think...
Stop and ask yourself: "What is it I really want to accomplish...?"
Do you want to flirt with him?
Do you want to get him to find you sexy?
Do you want to get him to ask you out?
Do you want him to think about you?
Do you want him to fall in love with you?
Do you want a commitment from him?
Depending on where you are with your guy, how long you've been dating him, etc, you could have a bunch of goals for the two of you. But the important thing to know is this: What is the next step?
On the path to a long-term relationship - or even marriage - there are MANY steps. But the only one you should be concerned with is THE NEXT ONE.
Don't get ahead of yourself. Just focus on the next thing that needs to happen - and that will tell you what the next "beat" in the rhythm of love is for you.
So there's a rhythm of texting you should follow. If you just met him, don't focus too much on when/how you text him. That will make you a little crazy and over-analytical.
Just work on getting the first meetup with him - whether that's coffee, lunch, or whatever.
And don't be afraid to be the one to initiate with a simple text like this:
"Hey, if you're going to ask me to lunch this week, better hurry - I'll be out of town next week... ;-)"
If you're going to flirt with him, you want to be brave, but not vulgar. It's a fine balance between turning him on, and being a "good girl" that a guy wants to pursue.
Knowing the rhythm of when to text and when not to text is important, because very often we use texting at the wrong times. Sometimes you need to follow up with a phone call - or an email.
Texting is not the ONLY form of electronic communication. And the fact that it's so casual and convenient leads a LOT of people to over-use it!
Which leads me to this:
TIP: Do Not Use Texting For The "Big Stuff"
Part of the "rhythm" of using texts is to remember that there are some communications you never want to do in text. Since texting was added to mobile services (around 1998), we've started to use it for almost any communication. And that's not a good thing all the time.
Some of the conversations you do NOT want to use texting for:
DON'T TEXT TO: Get him interested enough to ask you out. You can't do this effectively in a text. You need to talk to him and use your charm. The reason most guys ghost women is usually because the NEW woman he met understood this and started talking to him instead of just texting.
DON'T TEXT TO: Break up. It actually used to be an unspoken rule, but now people everywhere are avoiding discomfort any way they possibly can. This is not how you want to conduct yourself. Remember: Even if other people don't see it, your character watches everything you do!
DON'T TEXT TO: Ask emotional questions, or to resolve conflict. One of the things I have to establish with almost EVERY client I video coach is that they are probably texting WAY too much when they're feeling anxious or emotional. The big problem is that they're training their nervous system that they can't just SIT with their discomfort. They feel that everything has to be talked about NOW with him. Which destroys relationships.
I could probably go on for pages of situations when NOT to text, but suffice to say that you really only want to text a guy when it's positive in nature. AND don't use text to avoid saying something in person.
How To Text Flirt With Him - Step Two: Less Is More...
If you're texting every random thought you have about him TOhim, you're misusing and abusing this valuable tool. Most of the women who text send dozens of texts and don't realize that men really don't like to text that much.
Think of texting like a "message in a bottle." You can send a short, provocative message to him, and let him stew on it for a while.
In fact, one of the best things a woman can do to a guy is to Not Reply To Him For Several Hours after you get a text from him.
I'm just going to let that really hit you, because it's one of the rules that most women ignore - and they get ghosted by guys as a result.
You see men are watching how much you text him. And the amount of attraction for you goes UP when you do this stuff:
DO: Wait long periods of time to text him back...
DO: Text him stuff that doesn't exactly answer what he may have asked you in the previous text. Meaning that you kind of respond to him, but don't give him everything he was looking for...
DO: Tease him in texts...
DO: Hint instead of saying things too explicitly. Like telling him your feelings for him, for instance. The less you say, the better. He doesn't need confirmation of your feelings to fall for you; he needs 90% desire with 10% doubt.
And his level of attraction goes DOWN when you do this stuff:
DON'T: Texting him your feelings throughout the day - a constant running drama diary of your emotional state. If you make us ride an emotional roller coaster, don't be surprised if he gets off to barf and disappear...
DON'T: DON'T do what he asks you to do - like send nude pictures, sexting, etc. Mind you, I don't mean that you turn into a spoiled brat, but that you give him a playfully hard time. No man likes it easy. AKA: Be a challenge!
DON'T: Asking him questions about how he feels about YOU. The fact that you ask him will only serve to reduce those feelings of attraction for you...
DON'T: Asking him to report whatever is going on with him - like where he is, what he's thinking, what he's feeling, who he's with.... etc. Women share these details all the time, where men do not and don't think it's any of your business...
DON'T: Check-in texts that seem more like you're trying to make sure he's not with another woman than they are about connecting WITH him. Like texting him at midnight asking him: "What are you doing?" Uh, really?
The fact is that if you start expecting replies, and long exchanges of 50 or more texts back-and-forth, you're wasting this precious tool's incredible power.
Texting is powerful simply because once he gets the message from you, all he can do is to read it and reply. He can't get any kind of feedback from you - and you can be as brave as you want to be. You can say things in text that you might not have the guts to do in person.
And now he just has to sit there and wait and wonder. Which is delightful torture to a guy, the same way it is with you. Waiting and wondering what they're going to say back to you!
Suffice to say that if you understand how to crystallize yourself in a man's mind (and it's not terribly hard), you can have him begging you to be his girlfriend.
I'll tell you more about how to do this in a bit...
Next we have the final step -
How To Text Flirt With Him - Step Three: Double Down
The best thing you can possibly do to get a man attracted to you is to know what to say and when to say it to have maximum effect.
When you know the best "finishing move" to win this game, you'll have guys lined up to take you out and win your heart. (I'm not kidding, this is what the women who really understand men do to win the man of their dreams.)
To Double-Down in gambling simply means to use the opportunity and advantages to stack the odds in your favor. If you've got the chance to close the deal and win him, you have to do it.
And that's what you're doing here - you're stacking those chips to get you a BIG win with him! There's no need to make it take months to get a guy to fall for you when it only takes a couple weeks.
Let's look at a few of these texts for you to use:
Double Down Text 1: Got What It Takes?
The essence of being a confident woman is how much you challenge a man without making him feel diminished in the process. If you challenge a guy by beating on his ego, you're going to spend a lot of time complaining about guys and not much time dating them.
When I dated women in my 20s and 30s, I found that most of the ones I met in bars were a little "high" on their status. It was a meat (meet) market, and they were the valuable commodity. Or so they thought.
Guys don't usually marry women they meet in bars, I'm here to tell you. It happens, but not like you expect.
So here's a text you can send to challenge him a bit: "You know what I admire in a guy? A guy who doesn't quit and goes after what he wants..."
If he doesn't get the message and do something after that message, you wouldn't have wanted to date him anyway. This one should kick his butt into gear.
Double Down Text 2: The Fire-Starter
Again, you want to make sure this guy is thinking about you non-stop, 24/7.
The key to doing that is to start him fantasizing about you, and texting gives you that ability.
Try this one on for size - TEXT THIS: "I have a confession to make..."
He will definitely respond to that. When he does, you send: "I was naughty last night..."
And again, he'll respond. Just ignore his responses, they don't matter for what you're doing.
You then respond with this text: "I couldn't help myself..."
You see what we're doing? We're drawing this out and charging it up...
Then text: "It was just too tempting..."
The less you tell him, the more his imagination explodes with his own fantasies.
Just wait for a while between your responses. Don't be afraid to leave him hanging.
And then, finish him off with: "Maybe I'll show you when we get together..."
He won't be able to stop thinking about you after those texts...
Double Down Text 3: Drop The Bomb
When the time comes, you may have to make the big play: You might have to ask HIM out.
It's not the way most women want it. When a guy asks you out, you know his interest and desire for you is real. If YOU ask HIM out, you're always going to wonder.
But if he's stuck, you have to get him out of his stuck-ness if you want him.
Here's the text to use: "Hey, we could probably do some weird hookup via text, but I think you'd like me better in the flesh... When can we meet up?"
Now, that might seem bold to you, but that's the kick-in-the-pants he probably needs.
Remember that dating guys is sometimes like playing the numbers - You have to go through a few to find the winner.
Don't just take whatever life serves up to you. Be a little picky, because if you go with the first mediocre guy that asks you out, you could spend a decade wondering why you chose him.
"Smart women choose. Unhappy women get chosen." - Carlos C.
Now, as another bonus - let me also give you an example of a few things you do NOT want to text a guy:
DON'T TEXT THIS: "No big deal, it happens to everyone..."
Diminishing a man's pain is never a good idea. In fact, men could stand to learn this one, too.
You never want to make any man's plight sound small. Many times women do this when they're a bit sick of listening to a guy come down on himself or present himself as being shaken up by something. We try to get people to fast-forward through their own low emotions so that we don't have to face our own.
DON'T TEXT THIS: "I'm late..."
Yeeesh! Now, unless by "I'm late" you mean that you're running late for the date, you never need to say this to him in a text. If you were to tally up all the times your period was off by a few days, and you freaked out a bit (which is totally understandable) you'd know that you don't want to pull him into that same panic.
Take one for the team, and don't drag him into that one until it's REALLY necessary.
Guys do this for women way more than we would like to admit. (Or probably should actually do.)
DON'T TEXT THIS: "Where were you...?" / "Why are you ignoring me?" / "Why aren't you replying?"
Yowch. This one never helps you. It only comes across as needy, controlling, insecure, pushy... you get the point. There is NOTHING good that can come from haranguing him into texting you.
It sounds like a woman who panicked because he didn't text her back within 2 minutes - and now she's starting to lose it.
Don't be her.
DON'T TEXT THIS: "(Anything Sarcastic)"
It might be amusing if you can add tone when you're talking to him in person, but sarcastic comments (like: "Yeah, I'll bet you LOVED that") simply DO NOT WORK in text.
By the way, if you ever do send something sarcastic, add "(sarcasm)" right after it so he gets it.
DON'T TEXT THIS: Anything with more emojis than actual text.
It goes without saying that we like emojis because they're cute, they're easy, and they are a great shortcut for expressing emotions. But some people do go too far with them.
With a guy - never send more emojis than words in the text. It's too "cutesy" and it undermines him taking you seriously. It also can feel like you're trying too hard for approval.
Just send him one every few emails. If you're not able to say it without an emoji, you might not want to send it at all.
Of course, when it comes right down to it, there are a ton of mistakes you can make with a guy.
And the easiest mistake is saying the wrong thing to him!
The good news is that it's also the easiest mistake to avoid.
In fact, I knew that women made this mistake so often that they needed a guide to understand what words work - and what words don't work - with men.
I call these words that make men want you "Passion Phrases." These are the words that men respond to - and they just plain GET IT when you know what to say to him.
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