Most women - especially the ones I've helped - tend to approach flirting from the wrong direction.
I've noticed they put too much pressure on themselves to succeed - and this could be the biggest problem when it comes to learning how to flirt with a guy.
The main reason behind this is that they lose sight of what flirting means in the first place. So, let's take the chance to get back to basics...
Here's the textbook definition of "flirt":
- To behave in a way that shows a sexual attraction for someone but is not meant to be taken seriously
- To think about something or become involved in something in a way that is usually not very serious
- To come close to reaching or experiencing something (e.g. flirt with disaster)
If you notice, there's a lack of seriousness behind the concept of flirting. And even a dose of "disaster" - yuck!
And like I said, women who put too much pressure on themselves to flirt successfully with a guy are missing the point.
"So what is the point then, Carlos?" you might ask.
Simply this: FUN.
Remember what it was like as a kid to goof around with the neighbors?
Whether it was softball in someone's backyard, having imaginary tea or playing cops and robbers, there was one thing in common: The outcome didn't matter.
You just did it for the heck of it. More importantly, the experience was a reward in itself.
When you think about it, flirting with a man is basically the adult version of playing.
The moment you get too serious about it - or get too caught up in "making it work" - then the magic fades and it becomes a chore.
To REALLY flirt with a guy, you need to make it a FUN GAME for him to play. The less pressure he feels, the more he'll want to play along and get into it with you.
From a psychological standpoint, getting a guy to play the flirting game with you rests on one important factor: It's known as the "push-pull principle".
Women who are masters at flirting are a natural at using this.
In a nutshell, it's about creating romantic TENSION to generate strong feelings within a guy, and then get him to ACT those emotions later on.
The "push" part of the "flirtation equation" involves putting some emotional distance between you two. Once the tension's high enough, you'll be able to pull him back - and he'll love it.
So, it all boils down to playfully giving hints of attraction to a guy, but leaving healthy room for intrigue.
Once you've created an air of mystery, you'll create that tantalizing "does-she-or-doesn't-she?" vibe that men can't get enough of.
Soon enough, it'll flip the switch in a guy's head that'll make him go "Oh yeah, it's game on."
Mastering the art of flirting isn't that complicated once you've broken it down.
And that's why I'll give you the best ways to create that fun, flirty atmosphere and get him to play along. Let's dig into a few tips to flirt without turning it into WORK...
Turn Up the Romance Tip #1: Talk with your body
When it comes to communication (especially the flirty kind), it's what we DON'T say that truly counts.
We often take for granted that our body sends a TON of unspoken messages that feed into other people's subconscious.
This actually makes up a HUGE part of the attraction game, so you need to use this to your advantage.
For example, leaning in his direction is a subtle way of telling a guy, "Come closer, I don't bite!"
When you're having dinner with him, avoid leaning too far back in your seat - that gives the impression you're disengaged, and even withdrawn.
Primping is another inviting but under-the-radar gesture to pull him in. This is the act of grooming by making minor tweaks to your appearance.
Have you caught yourself running your fingers through your hair or straightening out your blouse when he's nearby? It's a girl's way of telling a guy she wants to look good for him.
If you're feeling a little bold, you can make the first move by initiating physical contact. A good way to do this without taking it too far is by "accidentally" brushing against his hand or arm.
This basically communicates that you're ok with touching him, and inviting him to do the same. Think of it as unspoken green light that will raise the stakes ever so slightly.
Of course, you can't expect to attract a guy with body language alone...
What about your actual conversation with him?
That brings us to the next tip...
How to Get His Attention Tip #2: Find the right stuff to talk about
You might think all men talk about are football stats, other women or guy flicks. Ok, those topics do interest us, but we usually discuss that with our buddies.
With the small exception of women who do like that stuff, chances are you might not be into "guy stuff" yourself. So how do you get on the same page as him?
Well, if you ran into a guy during an event or at a venue of some sort, it's a good idea to make an observation about it.
Starting off on some common ground is a great way to connect with him in a natural way.
The funnier the observation, the better. If you're at a music festival, try telling him, "Yeah, I don't think that band should quit their day jobs yet" with a hint of a smile.
Anything that can kickstart a friendly little chat will give him the go signal to jump in.
If you're already on a date and want him to think romantic thoughts, you can introduce the topic in an indirect way.
To do this, try describing something romantic that you saw on TV or happened to a person you know. Then, follow it up by asking him his own thoughts about it.
For instance, tell him:
"A friend of mine got engaged last week. During their weekend getaway at the beach, her fiancé had asked the resort staff in advance to draw a beautiful 'WILL YOU MARRY ME' graphic in the sand. As they were walking by the shore, he kept talking about how much she and their relationship meant to him. By the time they came up to the spot, it was already a done deal!"
Now that you've set up the first part, wrap it up by asking him, "Do you think that was over the top? Or are most guys into making romantic gestures like that?"
The great thing about this is that you're not technically trying to get romantic with him. Yet, bringing up the topic will get the gears in his head turning anyway.
And - believe it or not, guys actually like a good proposal story.
He'll think, "Is she talking about this stuff because she likes me? Or is it just in my head?"
But what about if you're in a texting conversation with him?
Check out the next tip...
How to Flirt With Your Man - Tip #3: Use your thumbs
In this day and age, texting is as natural as breathing. So obviously you're going to connect with your guy on your phone at some point.
This is yet another opportunity to make things fun for both of you.
Remember, "playful" is still the operative word here, so you need to keep up the fun atmosphere via texting.
I often tell women to connect with their guy by giving him a nice text to wake up to. Try a morning text like, "What do you and my coffee have in common? You're both totally hot! :)"
Or if you're not that up to that level yet, keep it simple: "Hope you're day isn't crazy as mine ... this rush hour is something else!"
However, if there's already some sparks flying between you two and you want to take it up a notch, sending him a little-less-than-subtle text is fine, too.
"Aw, look…a big bowl of popcorn and a Netflix queue ... but no cute guy to share it with! I might have an opening next week though - applicants are welcome ;)"
With any luck, he'll take the bait and take you up on your offer. That brings us to date night, and you'll want to be dressed for the occasion.
There's more - Keep reading...
Turn on the Charm Strategy #4: Dress for (flirting) success
Of course, having a fun-loving personality is part of flirting with a guy, but you also need to pay attention to the packaging.
That said, you need to ask yourself: does your wardrobe convey who you are in the best possible way? And more importantly, does it tell a guy that you want him to notice you?
If you want to get a flirty attire going, just remember that you don't have to be too obvious by showing TOO MUCH skin.
Most of the women I've coached used to think that they need to be extra revealing just to get the message across.
In my experience in dating women and talking to other guys about wardrobe, I can tell you that men actually prefer a good balance of RESTRAINT - with a little dash of naughtiness for good measure.
I'm not pretending to be an authority on fashion here, but I have a pretty good grasp on what men like to see.
To begin with, you need to pick a look that makes the most of your features, like your killer hips, eye-catching cleavage, or round tush.
If you don't put enough effort into playing up these attributes, you'll risk going unnoticed in the eyes of that guy you're into.
It's not slutty, it's sexual. And men need that.
I advised Karen, a female client of mine who was having trouble with this, to ask for another woman's advice. Here's what she told me in her last email:
"Carlos, you couldn't have been more right about updating my look! My cousin who works in the PR business was the perfect person to ask because of her work."
She went on: "With her help, I figured out a quick and easy make up routine and found the right kind of cosmetics for my face type. Plus, she helped me pick out a flattering wardrobe that made use of long legs - and hid my short torso. We came up with a few outfits I could wear throughout the week which was made up of soft materials and an eye-pleasing color combination. Oh, and a lot of my dresses show off a hint of cleavage just to keep things interesting :)"
So what I'm getting at here is that men appreciate a lady who understands that looking your best is a PREMEDITATED effort. Guys worth your time will also put in the same energy to look as sharp as they do.
As long as you make it clear that your style tells the world that you're interested in meeting quality guys, you're on the right track.
And that brings us to the next part of flirting...
Flirt like a pro - Tip # 5: It's all in the eyes
Your peepers are another often overlooked tool for serious flirting. We all know that you can read so much from a person's eyes - but not many of us put that knowledge to good use.
Here are a couple of quick but devastatingly effective ways to pull him in with your eyes:
- Check him out, but in a classy way. When you make eye contact with a guy across the room, don't look away TOO quickly. Instead, ride the edge and lock eyes with him just a fraction of a second longer than you would anyone else.
This actually makes a HUGE difference when it comes to flirting. On the surface, it'll seem like an afterthought to him, but your flirting signal will register in his brain.
- If you can, follow it up by looking back at him one more time AFTER looking away. Some women I know even like to give a guy a quick, head-to-toe visual sweep after making eye contact. All of this happens in less than a couple of seconds, but you've just let that beautiful stranger know that you're very much into him.
How to Get Your Message Across #6: Use the right words
We already talked about having a conversation with a guy. But if you really want to step up your flirting game, you should also know about the specific words that will hint at your feelings for him.
Every guy will have his own quirks and unique personality though. So, I'd rather not give you stock phrases (or known as 'pick-up lines' to guys) that might sound phony or rehearsed.
Instead, try using words of FLATTERY.
The truth is that men like having their ego stroked - within reason. Yes, we're only human and we love having a girl compliment us.
However, it can't be some generic, run-the-mill line or else the words won't really resonate. You have to find something you genuinely like about your guy and point it out to him.
That way, he'll know you're paying attention to him. That's what real flattery is all about, and it's the biggest ego stroke of them all.
Just think of all the reasons why you like him, and put it into words. Don't fish for something that sounds corny or false - just be real.
Maybe you like the way he dresses - throw out a quick compliment his way, and he'll take notice:
- "Hey nice shirt. That color doesn't suit a lot of guys, but you pull it off!"
- "Looks like someone went tie shopping last weekend, nice pattern."
- "Why does it sound like I'm talking to a voice actor guy when I'm on the phone with you? You have the nicest phone voice."
- "You have beautiful eyes."
Ok, that last one might seem like a stretch, but consider the fact that guys ALMOST never get complimented. Back in the day, I was at the bar with a buddy of mine who had NO trouble picking up women. But when a woman walked up to him and mentioned how amazing his eyes looked, he was literally motionless for a full three seconds. He was the most confident player I knew, and he didn't know what hit him. He was lovestruck.
If the chance presents itself, use this one.
But it doesn't always have to be physical compliments. You can also appreciate his other qualities, like how good he is at his job, the way he drives, his awesome plans for the future, his wicked sense of humor, his taste in music - you get the idea.
The key to a compliment is that it makes him feel unique, and it shows that you saw something in him that he hopes other women see.
How to Attract Him - Tip #7: Flirt with your attitude
Remember the emotional distance I was talking about earlier? You can hold a guy back for a bit by not being available for him ALL the time.
Guys know this tactic. We don't want women to think we're desperate losers who wait around all day to see you.
So, we keep living our lives as normal, even if we're infatuated with a particular girl. Gradually though, it'll be pretty obvious to her that she's our top priority.
In the beginning, we'll play our cards close to the vest, though.
Here's the thing: Two can play at that game.
Women can keep the mystery going a for a while by not dropping their other priorities in life even if they're seeing a guy.
Don't make it painfully obvious to him that you're willing to change your plans on a dime to accommodate his last-minute requests.
This is part of the flirting game. Keep living your own life as if nothing's changed, and he'll want to know what you're up to when you're not with him.
This isn't manipulation, mind you. It's just that you shouldn't disrupt your life drastically just because you met a new guy.
Learn to say "no" every now and then, especially if you've already made other plans in advance. Give him another day that works for you, and let him meet you halfway.
This is a good way to set the pace in your relationship-to-be, PLUS it tells him that you're not so easily "won over". Of course, you really do need have other important stuff to take care of (e.g. your family, friends, job) because it would just be playing mind games otherwise.
Bonus Flirting Tip #7.5: Flirting with your co-workers
Oh man. I'll admit this is a tricky one because people are divided over the issue of mixing business with pleasure.
On one hand, the thought of hooking up with someone you like at your job is exciting. But there's plenty of pitfalls to be found in flirting at the workplace if it doesn't work out.
Things could get awkward at the office AND you risk embarrassing yourself as well.
But the truth is that a LOT of people get together and meet at work. You can't avoid it, either.
So if you're ready to take a chance, here's a quick guide to flirting with your co-worker:
- Apply EVERYTHING you've read here so far...
BUT tone it down just a bit.
All those tips on body language cues, making eye contact, wearing the right outfit and giving compliments will ALSO work on the guy at the office. However, you need to use a bit of restraint to avoid attracting unwanted attention. Think "demure" and restrained.
- Speaking of which, save your flirting for when there aren't prying eyes around. You don't want to be subject of gossip, and you could piss off other jealous female colleagues.
(Watch out for those cats!)
- Plant the seeds at the office, but save the fireworks for when you're outside.
You can start flirting with a guy at the workplace, but you shouldn't escalate things too far while you're on the clock. Wait until you're in a non-work situation to do a full-on flirting session.
Then tone it down again at work. The contrast of hot/cool will drive him crazy.
- Invite him to a non-work related event to take things further.
A good excuse is asking him to attend an event that you were going to anyway with your other friends. Even better, if you have a mutual friend at work who's having a party or a social activity (like happy hour), it's the perfect chance to ask if he's going too.
I confess, I used this one quite a few times myself...
Flirting with men feels like rocket science at times, but it gets easier with time. You’ll probably get tongue-tied, fumble, or basically mess up along the way, but it’s a LEARNING process like everything else in life.
If you aren't making mistakes, you aren't taking risks - and that means you're stuck in your comfort zone. You have to dial things up to get them started with a guy.
But ... what if you could make it EASIER to get him to respond to your flirting signals?
Like it or not, some guys are pretty shy. They might be afraid to get rejected (a common fear with men) and need a little encouragement to open up to you.
Then there are men who’ve become defensive around women for one reason or another, like their previous relationships for instance.
My advice is that if your guy’s a bit of tough cookie to crack EVEN after you’ve applied my incredibly effective advice, it’s time to bring out the BIG guns.
And by that, I mean that you should know ALL the secrets to create IRRESISTIBLE DESIRE in him. You need a blueprint to a guy’s heart and soul.
You can quickly discover how to create that sense of intimacy in a short span of time.
The best part is that he won’t have a clue that he’s already falling hard for you, whether he wants to or not...
Want to know how to create this kind of Irresistible Desire? Then check this video presentation out by clicking HERE.