Men and commitment never seem to fit in the same sentence together... unless you're a woman who is going through the hard times of getting him to make that commitment. And you want to know what's going on with him...
In fact, it's become a bit of a cliche joke. The man who can't commit...a cartoon of men everywhere who just can't seem to give up their "bachelor lifestyle" to "settle down" in their relationship.
Those crazy guys who are running around trying to be players, who just can't seem to stick with one relationship for longer than five minutes.
Maybe he just needs more Ritalin and some therapy...!
I'm being a little cheeky here on purpose.
Mostly because there are a lot of myths about a man's ability to make a commitment. The reality is something that not many women understand.
So I'm going to warn you up front that I'm going to reveal some things here that are pretty controversial.
If you'd prefer to not have your beliefs challenged, I'm going to suggest you stick with the traditional, get-you-nowhere advice from women's magazines and random advice you got from your mom, or your friends. If you want to stay "comfortable," this might not be the page for you right now.
But if you've got what it takes to really face this thing head-on, what I'm about to tell you could be quite a shock to your system - one that will help you get that commitment once and for all.
You're still here? Great.
I'm going to show you how to attract a guy, and how to make him commit to you.
But first - I have to warn you about an epidemic of thinking that started somewhere around the early 1970s or so.
It might have been a little earlier or later, but it definitely started somewhere around the rise of the feminist movement of the 70s.
It was right around this time period that women everywhere started to really come into their own. They were making their own careers, exerting their independence.
And popular media would have you believe that this was when men started to fight the rising tide of change. That we fought back by keeping women's pay lower and discriminating at every opportunity.
And - of course - creating the "glass ceiling" - the unseen and unbreakable barrier of advancement.
Or did it?
You see, this wasn't what really happened...
I mean, the rise of women's empowerment was real, and that social shift was absolutely necessary.
But what also started was a culture of men being viewed as nothing more than a more unruly and disobedient form of...women.
You see, men are often seen in the context of being spoiled angry boys who didn't like their party being ruined. But the truth is actually more complicated than guys turning into brats.
Stay with me here - it's worth it...
You see, what men didn't like about this radical "grab for the wheel" was that history had been rewritten to make men look like oppressive jerks who ruined the world as a way to justify this shift.
Men didn't mind making room for women - we just didn't like how RESPECT for men was completely thrown out the window in the process.
Men were portrayed as sitting in smoke-filled rooms, puffing on cigars and plotting our power struggles for political ambition. (Insert evil laugh here...)
And now we were being forced to give up the benefits of appreciation and attention we had once treasured in our relationships.
Sacrifices had to be made, and both sides had to adjust, of course.
But what happened was we became more focused on the "war of the sexes" than we were about how to make relationships work right in the new order.
This left men seeing that women were now focused entirely on HER needs, and no longer appearing to care about a man's needs within a relationship.
Okay, I'm done reviewing the history of gender issues here, but I do need to leave you with a parting thought to consider:
Many women today compare men's behavior and needs solely in the context of HER behaviors and needs. As if women's needs are the ONLY correct model of how a relationship should be.
This has left many men feeling stranded and horribly misunderstood.
And that's part of the reason I'm here today to provide this kind of insight and feedback.
Now what this all means is that if you want to attract a man and keep him, you might need to re-learn what it is that men really need from you.
And you may have to accept that his needs might not always match up with your needs exactly.
It's like taking two different puzzles and mixing all the pieces together.
You'll find yourself forcing pieces to fit because you think they should...but not because they're part of the picture.
Okay, so let's get on with the first way you can get a guy to commit...
COMMITMENT TIP #1: Put brakes on your own commitment urgency...
What many women do in a relationship is do for him what SHE would want HIM to do for her - in an attempt to get what she needs for commitment.
In other words, women often try to lock him down with every word and action - before he's had a chance to get used to a long term relationship.
She's already thinking and acting like it's FOREVER well before he's ready for that.
Sometimes, it seems that every decision you make is with this intention of putting on a veil and gown.
You see, men WANT girlfriends. We REALLY do. We don't mind the commitment, either.
We even want a wife, eventually.
That's implied. We just don't want to be subtly (or not-so-subtly) rushed down the aisle.
Which actually leads me to another point...
COMMITMENT TIP #2: Wait
Yes, you heard me right. WAIT.
In study after study after study, it's been shown that - if given a choice - women would prefer to wait much longer to sleep with a guy.
And it's been shown that MEN also prefer to wait longer as well - contrary to the "pressure" that women feel to "give it up."
So if both sides would like to wait longer, what's going on here?
Well, many women feel like they can only win a guy over if they lock him down with sex. Beat the other girl to the punch, right?
And since the guy doesn't mind the quick, easy sex, he's not going to say "Hold on there, missy. Let's grow the emotional attachment I need first. I'm not entirely comfortable getting physical yet." (Yeah, right...)
Well, most guys won't... but some guys DO.
I should know - I was one of them.
I realized early on about this confusing mix of urgency for sex and a need to emotionally bond with a woman first. I eventually had to put my hand up and say, whoah - we need to slow down here. Because I knew that if we hurried into sex, I'd get bored. No more challenge.
Which - ironically - only had the effect of challenging women even more, so they felt they had to work harder to get me into bed faster.
If you hurry into bed with a guy in an attempt to shortcut him into bonding with you, it will only be a quick satisfaction of his sexual needs - not his emotional needs.
And it will often feel empty to him.
If he doesn't get some time where he's allowed the delicious frustration of chasing you and attempting to pull YOU into bed, the relationship won't have a chance to create strong and real attachment.
It's a little like pouring Jell-o into a container and constantly shaking it up. It won't set properly.
Trust me: If he won't wait a couple weeks longer for you, he wouldn't have been a candidate for long-term relationship partner with you, either.
And now we get to:
COMMITMENT TIP #3: Don't try to be the super girlfriend...
This one is related to tip #1. Many men sense when a woman has made her own mind up to be monogamous and exclusive - mostly because she's hoping this will make him reciprocate.
"I'm making you the center of my universe," she seems to be saying. "Don't you want to do the same for me?"
One part of this advice you will find difficult to do is this: You need to DATE OTHER MEN.
You need to do this until he's made a commitment to you, and for the following reasons:
- You need a frame of reference from which to make a comparison. If you're looking for a guy to stick with - and don't lie to yourself, you probably are - then you deserve to pick the very best, don't you?
- You won't feel that one man holds your entire future just because he's all you've got. This puts you in scarcity thinking, and drives down your value. Which is why having more than one man will put you in a mindset of abundance.
- He will sense your status and want to "lock you down." And no, it won't just be because he's got competition. A man doesn't ever commit because he HAS to. He does it because he sees that he's got a woman of value. And value = desirability in his eyes.
- But because he's got competition, he'll step up to his "A" game. A guy is on his best behavior when he's held accountable by the character and actions of other men. And this is the best kind of "peer pressure" you can have when choosing a partner.
The usual objection I get to this "Date Other Men" strategy is usually:
"But Carlos! If he thinks there's another guy in the picture, he'll just disappear and go for someone else!"
Oh, no. Not at all.
Competition will make him jump in with even more energy and drive. When we sense that a woman has other possibilities, we work harder to win her over.
And if he doesn't, he wouldn't have been there for you later. What kind of man would he have been for you if he needed you to be "easy"?
Commitment is something that a man willingly gives for something he wants.
Men commit ALL the time.
He commits to his hobbies, and to the car he buys. He commits to a home mortgage for 30 years.
He made a commitment to his career...and even that silly hairstyle he probably needs to update.
Your job is simple - don't be the woman that's trying to drag him towards the wedding chapel, and keep your own options open.
You'll be amazed at how easy it is to get a commitment when you don't need - or even WANT - a commitment from him.
Be true to yourself FIRST, because that's the person he will have to fall in love with.
If you'd like to discover how to get a man to commit to you - with all his heart - I can show you a step-by-step map to get you there.
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