QUESTION FROM A READER:
Okay Carlos, I’ve been working on me - and listening to you. And I’ve improved my dating game.
I’m meeting men, they are interested - but then in the early dating stage, the dates/romance, I lose them.
But I’m learning so I’m trying to catch my mistakes quickly this time...
[I] purchased the soulmate signal and commitment programs. I broke the rules and fell into traps before I got them - but I didn’t lose the guy ...yet!
Initially he wanted to see me every day, then he backed off ... no worries, I gave him space. Thank you for that training!
He came back and hot and heavy and talking saying he wasn’t seeing anyone else...
I thought GREAT, but it was TOO SOON! I know now that I move too fast in relationships instead of letting them build over time.
So I fell into the terrible statements like, “you’re different”, “I’m not interested in seeing anyone else” and I’m sure other things I don't recall.
We are back to the go away/come close game. But I always just ignore it and give him his space. (I really did learn something from you about that and it works)
He cancelled our date stating he unexpectedly had to have his son this weekend. I took him at face value didn’t say anything other than you’re a great dad but I wish I could see you (I know it sounds needy looking back on it.)
He has texted intermittently since and we had some steamy texts as well so I know he is still interested.
Here is my question…
I came off as needy and requiring a commitment instead of enjoying the romance and time together. How do I back off without making him think it is a punishment?
How do I put the brakes on since we already said neither of us is seeing other people prematurely without jeopardizing the connection and chemistry...?
I’d appreciate your advice on this because so far its all worked! I have a fabulous guy on the hook.
I just have to know how to reel him in so that the line doesn’t break or he doesn’t wriggle off that hook until I decide I need to move on or we commit…
- Barbara Lynn J. - San Antonio
CARLOS CAVALLO ANSWERS:
Isn't it cool how easily that fishing metaphor works for dating guys? We men are just like fish, and the same principles apply.
(Though I'll confess, I've never actually fished before.)
So let's talk about baiting this guy into being your prized catch.
First of all, you're already on the right track. You've got my Soulmate Signal program - so you've already got the jump on him.
The toughest part about dating a guy is that you want to get close to him - and he wants to get close to you, believe it or not.
BUT - each person has their own fears about being run over in the relationship.
And if a woman gets just a bit TOO close to him too fast, he might see this as being "needy."
And you know that needy thing will drive him off faster than garlic breath to a vampire...
So what I want to give you are 3 ways to get a guy to like you - and create intimacy - without having to appear needy - OR play games with him.
Before we get started - I want to point out something that many women might not realize.
You said: "...we had some steamy texts as well so I know he is still interested."
You may have had some hot texting going on, but he still needs to connect that fantasy woman he's imagining in his head back to YOU.
Remember that texting relies on the image he's created for you in his head - and that's what he's recalling when you both get caught up in your mad sexting sessions.
So remember to always pin that imagined woman in his head back to YOU - so that he remembers that there is no substitute for what you - and only you - can make him feel.
You want this guy to think you're his soulmate, after all. And that will wipe out any other woman from his mind.
Now, let's jump right into the 3 ways you can get closer to this guy:
Get him to like you - Tip 1: Get him to open up to you
If you really want this guy to desire you, you have to create a real emotional connection with him. Emotional intimacy is what will keep a guy invested in you long-term.
Let's face it - you may not be able to compete with a 20-something younger woman's body or flawless skin.
You have something even better that can lock a guy to you - and make him monogamous for good: Years of memories and emotional connection.
Not to mention, knowing those secret places to touch him when you're in bed is a nice bonus, too.
Men feel a strong chemistry with a woman that they've been physically intimate with. But in order for him to feel a strong emotional intimacy, you have to get him to open up to you.
You have to create a zone of safety around you and him that allows him to open up and tell you things that he won't tell other women.
(NOTE: Most women don't have a CLUE how to get men to feel this. I reveal it in The Soulmate Signal...)
There are two steps to emotional safety for him:
1) You risk vulnerability by revealing your hopes, dreams, fears, etc. Trust him FIRST and reveal what's intimate to you.
2) Allow him to comfort and soothe you when you're down.
This will draw him into wanting to open up more to you.
Get him to pull you into his heart - Tip 2: Stop whining.
Did you cringe when you read that? I like to be a little shocking at times...
But I'm actually talking about a very specific kind of whining.
Let me ask you this: Do you complain a lot?
OR - do you reveal how you feel to him ... gently?
This distinction will make all the difference to your relationship.
EXAMPLE: A complainer/whiner will come home and talk AT her man. She will tell him everything that's going on, whether it's relevant or not.
She'll dump all over her anxieties and issues on him, like he's a landfill for bad emotions.
Here's the other way to do it:
EXAMPLE: An open woman will talk about her feelings with her man while checking in with him on occasion. Making sure he isn't overwhelmed or overloaded.
She checks in to see that her words are connecting with him and not confusing him more. She knows when to stop and let him recover.
And she doesn't build up resentment because "he just isn't listening to me." She knows he's just maxed out on his ability to deal with emotional talk for the moment.
Those are two VERY different ways to handle it.
The woman who knows how to reveal herself to a man will get his goodwill and love.
The whiner will alienate and drive him away...
How to get him to like you - Tip 3: Adore him physically
Adore your man physically.
Many women are afraid that they'll just be "starting him up" - meaning arousing him for sex. But the reality is that men crave physical affection more than most women do.
The reason goes back to how men are socialized.
Most guys don't get a lot of physical affection after about 9 or 10 years old. He starts to disconnect from his parents more and more, and boys don't show physical affection to each other.
Most of the time it's physical rough-housing.
As he gets older, and desires women, this yearning for close physical contact only deepens.
Sometimes it even creates psychological issues for him, resulting in behaviors that you might find not only annoying but kind of creepy.
If you've ever wondered why certain guys are so touchy with women, inappropriately so, this is usually the cause.
A man craves physical connection that he often can't satisfy.
So when you do have a man in your life - touch him lovingly.
Now, there are two kinds of touch: Needy touch, and giving touch.
Needy touching is when a woman needs consolation and reassurance, so she's constantly tugging on him and pulling on him to be close.
Giving touch is when she's pouring out love through her hands and body - giving to making him feel good. It's like tactile appreciation.
Guys know the difference between these two instantly. He will pull away from needy touch and feel a sense of smothering.
He does this because it's not the kind of touch he craves. And it steals energy from him, not replenishes it.
When you touch a man in a way that seems to ask him to touch you back, that's needy touch.
On the other hand, if you can just melt into contact with him, it will feel like giving touch.
Of course, if there's tension between you two, it's hard to do this. So make sure you resolve the feelings of disconnection before you try and reconnect through physical contact.
Remember: If you are mad at your man, you shouldn't force yourself to melt into his touch, but you shouldn’t jerk away like he is repulsive, either. This is emotionally bruising to a man.
Just let him know you need a little time.
Then take that time, let it go, and come back to loving and giving touch.
You asked how you can back off from him now that you know you came on a little needy.
Well, the truth of it is that you don't have to back off! You just have to change your direction a bit.
Sometimes "backing off" can be done without withdrawing at all.
You simply have to use those 3 strategies to get him to feel a new kind of warmth and love from you. Those tips do it without making you seem needy - in fact it's the complete opposite.
He'll feel a warm, nurturing love from you that he'll want MORE of.
And all you have to do is go home - or go to work that day - and he'll be craving it.
Right about now, you might be wondering what these tips have to do with getting a man to like you more and desire you...
After all, what do getting a man to open up to you, knowing when to stop whining to him, and loving him with your touch have to do with getting him to adore you?
Shouldn't you be learning trick words that make him fall to his knees and worship you?
Shouldn't I show you that one secret "bitch" tactic that will get him to love you more?
I could show you all of things - and more...
But they won't help you unlock his heart and make him REALLY desire you the way you want. In fact, the kind of man you want to capture is not going to be "tricked" into love.
You need to know how to get him to realize that you're The ONE for him.
That means you need to know THE signal that will attract your Soulmate to YOU.
It's not about manipulative games, or deception. It comes from a place of genuine loving warmth inside you.
There's one signal that a man is looking for before he will let you into his heart. It's called the Soulmate Signal.
Do you know what the signal is - and why he needs to see it?
Discover what the Soulmate Signal is by clicking HERE