Is He Pulling Away From You? 10 Tips To Save Your Relationship
By: Carlos Cavallo
Has he stopped texting you right back? Has he stopped calling you? You might be wondering, is he pulling away from you?
Maybe he's just pulling back a little bit...
He isn't texting as much or calling as much...
Or maybe he's pulling back a lot...
Maybe he's completely ghosted you...
Unfortunately this situation is much more common than ever before.
And one of the worst things happens when a man does start pulling away: Usually the woman starts to go into denial.
Men are even worse at this to be truthful. Most guys don't even notice that the woman is pulling away until she’s already found another relationship. (Talk about clueless, huh?)
But you don't want to be caught off-guard. You have heightened instincts about how engaged a man is in your relationship. And you're right to trust your intuition.
The really dangerous relationship dynamic that happens is this:
He starts to pull away
You become more grateful for what relationship still remains
You start chasing him more and more
He starts to pull away more and more, and your panic increases
You can imagine where this ends up. Usually in a breakup.
Finding out if he is pulling away from you is essential if you want to save your relationship.
Just think of all the emotions you go through when you start to worry about your relationship:
Your emotional state is compromised and it makes it difficult sometimes to even work or function correctly.
And then the next thing happens:
"You wonder why he would pull away from you when all you've done is shown him love and how great of a partner you are."
Sometimes this even makes you want to prove it more, so you chase and push more.
It's a deadly spiral, and it usually ends up in a breakup.
Sometimes this even creates a victim mentality for women. They start to believe that men are always “doing this” to them. They see themselves as always doing right by him, but he seems to always mistreat her.
I'll warn you up front that I'm not going to give you the usual answers in this article.
In fact, you may have to look at yourself a little bit. If I didn't show you these things, I wouldn't be doing my job.
In fact, I'd be a disgrace if I didn't tell you what men really think and feel when this happens.
You owe it to yourself to know the truth about why men pull away.
You’ve probably even heard a bunch of reasons why this is happening from all the other advisors out there:
He's a commitment-phobe (check out some of my other articles on this)
He's cheating on you (again, not that common in the first few months of a new relationship)
He's focused on work and stressed about it (this one isn't always wrong, but there's more to it)
You got a problem with communication (again, possible, but there's way more to it)
He’s gay (maybe, but not likely)
You're needy and insecure and you drove him off
He's immature and not ready for a real relationship
He’s hiding his feelings from you because he’s “scared” of his feelings (doesn't happen - this is a rationalization)
Sure, some of these things could be true. But most likely your situation is a little more complicated.
Or, then again, it might not!
One of the things I have to discuss with my coaching clients is that:
No matter how unique they think their situation is, someone has had it millions of times before.
There are no unique love problems in the world.
We all want to believe our problems are totally new and unique. We think this way because we are the ones experiencing the emotions of them.
"No one else can be experiencing this! It's MY problem!"
But the truth is completely different.
And then if you start to argue for your complex relationship problems, you start to defend them and make them unsolvable.
This is really big and you should think about that for a moment:
Are you possibly making things more complicated than they actually are?
Okay, so you came here for some tips.
Let's talk about how to handle it when you're wondering, is he pulling away from you?
But first I want to tell you why he might be doing this - reasons you might not know about:
WHY IS HE PULLING AWAY? #1: He knows what it will do - and that it works
He may not be doing this to hurt you intentionally, but most guys know that when they pull away women typically rush in to pull him back to her.
And once he gets used to this pattern, it's just like training him. He won't consciously think about it, but he knows that he gets to make you chase him every time it happens.
It goes without saying that this is not a good idea. When a guy pulls away from you, he needs to be trained to come back to you. And the only way you can do that is by giving him the space he seems to need.
IMPORTANT: If you've made it a habit of jumping in and pulling men back when they show some reluctance, you should take some time to check in with yourself about why you do that. Where does that anxiety come from?
WHY #2: He’s Still Not Over HER
Yeah, her. You know who I'm talking about. That woman you might not have admitted exists. His last girlfriend.
It's very possible that you got involved with a man that wasn't quite finished with his last relationship. Women do this, and men do this.
So the truth is that he may be pulling away from you because he's still very drawn to an old flame.
You have to look back and see if there was evidence that pointed to another woman still being in the picture.
How long was it since his last relationship?
How did it end?
How quickly did he get involved with you?
Look back on the pattern of your relationship and see if this might be the case - that he's still not over her and you're just a ‘better-than-nothing’ to tide him over.
He might genuinely love you, but if he's not yet let go of her you probably don't stand a chance.
WHY #3: He’s (Still) Afraid
Sure, it's possible that he is actually afraid of a significant relationship with you. These could be his own fears, or they could be fears from his past.
But they don't mean that he's commitment phobic. He's just more cautious than you are about moving forward.
REMEMBER: The person who is going the slowest in a relationship usually controls the commitment in the relationship.
You need to find out if these are fears he's willing to conquer or if they are fears that will ultimately drive him away. If you can get them out in the open, you can deal with them.
They must be exposed to the light of day - where they will wither away.
In the end, if he is ruled by his fears, this could be a big red flag on your relationship. You need a man that can face his fears and overcome them if you want to get that commitment from him.
WHY #4: Does it really matter?
This one may be the toughest one to understand. But in the end, does it really matter why he's pulling away?
Oh I know... You think that if you know what the reason is, this means you can fix it. You might think that knowing why will give you a secret peek into his thoughts and feelings for you.
When in fact you should be seeking out what his thoughts and feelings are in general. Sometimes his reservations have nothing to do with you.
And who knows, maybe you've never been able to figure out why he pulled this little stunt of his before.
But the truth is, if he does pull away from you, usually he will come back. It's very rare that you've done something that will make him run away forever.
But unfortunately, you probably feel like he will.
Which brings us to my tips for when he's pulling away from you…
TIP 1: Even if you made a mistake, why did it blow up?
Here's a truth that not many dating advisors will tell you:
Let’s say you've been in a relationship with a guy and it was “so good,” and then you made a slight slip up, and he pulled away from you.
What does it say about a guy who has a good relationship and then one small slip up makes him back away from a relationship?
You’d be right to think that he must have some issues of his own. And yes, it is a red flag.
As a rule, most guys can handle a few mistakes at the start of a relationship, IF he really likes you.
But if he doesn't really like you as much as you think he does, he will easily be spooked. He will chicken out.
And, frankly if he does, be glad you found this out before you married him. Imagine being in a committed relationship and this pressure builds up until he just freaks out, pulls away from you, and abandons you.
Mistakes happen in relationships. As long as you're not prone to excessively needy and insecure behavior, where your anxiety gets the better of you, you should be able to work your way through these rough patches just fine.
TIP #2: Don't Panic!
The worst thing you can do when a guy is pulling away from you is to lose control of your emotional state. When you panic, you're likely to do stuff that will endanger your relationship.
And it doesn't matter what's going on with him. If you can't control your emotional state, you could very easily lose complete control of the relationship.
TIP #3: Don't Assume The Worst
Look, chances are he's only taking a brief break. Most guys do this automatically.
The big mistake is to rush in and try to save something that doesn't need saving. If he's of a mind to rest and recharge himself from the relationship, the worst thing you can do is to interfere with that.
Again, most men don't pull away from the relationship - they pull away from feeling compromised as a man.
It used to be that I could talk about each gender and the realities of what it means to be a man and a woman. Most people would understand this.
Most people were brought up to understand that men and women are different. The claim otherwise is completely insane.
But now we no longer live in those times so I must modify my message to make sure I can help you create kind of relationship you want. Just remember that no amount of disinformation will make your relationships work.
The Truth is the only thing that will set you free.
So don't worry when he pulls away if it seems like there was no reason for it. Chances are there wasn't.
And acting as if there was a reason will actually make him a little bit leery. It may not happen the first time, but eventually he'll see a pattern and he'll misinterpret this as insecurity.
In fact, he might actually be interpreting it correctly. Which would be way worse.
So before you send him 25 texts or call him 10 times tonight, take a deep breath and steady yourself.
Maybe you can call up a friend and vent. And then wait for him to eventually reconnect with you.
I explain why this is necessary in my Connection Code program. But it's absolutely essential that you don't rush to pull him back right away when he withdraws from you.
TIP #4: Quick! Blame HIM! (NOT)
Something your girlfriend's might tell you to make you feel better is that you should immediately dump him.
Or maybe just tell you that “It's not your fault, he's just another Bad Man!”
Look - I won't kid you. The quality of men today is not what it used to be.
Where have all the good men gone?
If you look around you, you can see that masculinity is in short supply. Guys just aren't Man-ing Up anymore.
And I also realized this probably is something you probably already knew.
But in truth, guys are not without Redemption. The same goes for women, of course.
But one thing you don't want to do is fall into the habit of pointing your blame at him as a way of dealing with your shock.
It's a very easy pattern to fall into. If someone doesn't behave the way you expect them to, one of the instinctive knee-jerk reactions is to either blame them or blame yourself.
Your girlfriends mean well. They want to support you. So they'll make sure to boost you up any way they can.
But they really don't know what happened on the inside of your relationship. And they absolutely don't know that it was his fault.
Still, they will go there because it's easy to do that. It's always easier to blame the other person.
But don't fall for it if you know that there's more to the story than this.
TIP #5: Also Don’t Blame Yourself!
Again remember that if he decided to pull away, or emotionally pulled back, that was his reaction. You may not have done anything bad.
There are a lot of relationship Gurus out there who will tell you that everything is your fault as the woman. And that's not true either!
It's usually a combination of the two of you. Perhaps you moved in a bit quickly, and maybe he wasn't emotionally capable of telling you that this freaked him out a little bit, and he pulled back unnecessarily.
But don't let your inner guilt overwhelm you. Instead, point forward and go forward!
TIP #6: Don't Rewrite Your History
Something else is easy to do is to misinterpret his pulling away as meaning that you never knew him in the first place. There's this quick Panic that sets in that if he could just pull back like this, that means everything you believed about your relationship is wrong.
This isn't a betrayal.
This doesn't mean the end of your relationship..
This isn't the end of the world.
This doesn't even mean that he doesn't love you
The only thing it means is that he is trying to adjust and meet his own needs. If this throws you for a loop, then the best thing to do would be to be an open, loving ear for him. Someone he can talk to and open up to.
Ultimately, that's exactly what he needs from you as a life partner.
TIP #7: Maybe It's Not About YOU
I don't mean to diminish your emotional response. But perhaps he's pulling away because of things that are going on inside of him. Men often retreat in relationships when they feel that they have something they need to deal with.
Guys deal with things in sequence. Not simultaneously. We're not multi-taskers.
Especially not in relationships.
Probably the most important thing you can do is to simply open up to him during this time of distance.
If he hasn't cut you off completely - which by the way is relatively rare - then you should be able to express how you want to hear him and help him.
So if you want to go the long distance with him, you need to make sure he feels safe with you - safe enough to tell you why he pulled away.
TIP #8: Did You Make Him Feel Necessary?
Women have made significant strides in their equality with men. And yes most men absolutely appreciate your strength and Independence. There are very few men out there who are of the “dinosaur misogynist” variety.
However, men still need to feel like they are a necessary part of your life.
Many women don't know this, or weren't taught it by their mothers. The old school way of learning about men seems to be disappearing quickly.
That's why I want to remind you of it here.
Men still need to feel needed by the woman in his life. it's easy to overlook this in light of your Independence. But men still have a very strong desire to provide for you and be necessary in your life.
And frankly, why shouldn't he? You both can make each other feel necessary to each other.
This is one of those things that he may not tell you about. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he doesn't know how to. He's probably not even aware what's going on inside.
That's why you have to watch out that you don't make him feel like he's just a convenient accessory. He really needs to feel like he's absolutely necessary to you.
That you need him.
You don't have to pretend you are inadequate or just another Damsel in Distress. In fact you don't have to play at anything.
You just have to be willing to make him feel as needed and necessary as you feel he is.
TIP #9: He’s Recharging…
The real reason most men pull away from a relationship is so that he can reconnect with his sense of masculinity. (Again, I explain this in complete detail in my Connection Code program where I discuss the nature of men and how we connect.)
He simply needs to recharge. And men do this recharging alone.
To a guy, a relationship can be both tremendously connecting and validating, and also very confusing. Sometimes he has to pull back to “check in” with himself about his feelings and identity.
It has nothing to do with your relationship. In fact, once he's done he will come back stronger than ever.
But if you pressure him to come back before he's ready, you will be denying him his recharge. And that's when he pulls away most.
TIP #10: Did You Miss Something?
It's always possible that there were signs he wasn't satisfied. And it's possible you may have missed them.
There are four behavioral patterns associated with relationships in trouble:
1. Globally criticizing your partner's personality
2. Responding defensively to your partner's criticism
3. Conveying the belief that your partner is beneath you
4. Refusing to engage with your partner's concerns
These patterns are what is known as The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse, from the work of John Gottman.
If you've noticed any of these patterns coming up in your relationship, there's a good chance this may be why he's pulling away from you and the relationship.
There are a lot of blind spots in relationships. It can be hard to see something you... well, you didn't see the first time.
In order to see these things, you have to understand what men want in love and commitment. If you don't know how men think and how they connect, you'll probably find yourself in relationship after relationship.
None of your relationships will last much more than a few months.
If you're sick and tired of this pattern - of men ghosting you, disappearing, withdrawing from your relationship, or just pulling away from you, it's time you found out exactly how to make him come back to you.
Do you want him to feel like you're The One?
Do you want him to finally get down on his knees and beg you to be his?
Do you want him to change that look in his eyes from disinterest to pure DESIRE?
Then you need to know what his Connection Code is...
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