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Relationship Tips & Advice
We're all looking for "The One" that we hope is out there for us. We hope that person is out there - and if the guy you're with is him. And that's what we're going to cover here as I answer that question: Is he the one for you?
You might have even found yourself wondering this about the guy you're with - or maybe even ALL the guys you've dated in the past. The way most of us find out is if we break up, then we know they're NOT "The One."
And let's face it, we often get together with someone for the wrong reasons - or at the wrong time.
Of course, we can't possibly know if a person was "destined" to be with us until we're with them. But there are signs you can look for that will show you if you've got someone that is worth sticking around for.
Because you don't want to waste your time with the WRONG guy. And that's what I'm here to do - save you from making the wrong decisions.
So how would you know if he's the right guy for you? Let's go through the signs...
The Pull is that inevitable attraction we feel for someone.
But you have to also be careful - many people let physical / sexual attraction replace their common sense in the process.
The human body (and brain) is designed to hypnotize you into taking the first guy that really starts your engine. Your brain gets flooded with a half-dozen love hormones that you simply can't resist.
Which is why you have to pay attention at the start so that you don't get pulled into orbit around the wrong guy.
There are two kinds of attraction you MUST feel if he's going to be The One:
And it's that second one - the mental/emotional attraction - that many people completely ignore because they're getting all wild-monkey-love with their new lover. There was a time when you could just go with the sexual attraction, but now we're evolving to a place where we don't need to make our mating decisions based on our crazed hormones.
So watch to see if you're really feeling infatuation with him - or you're really drawn to his personality. Chemistry IS important - but so is his soul.
Which actually brings us to the next Secret Sign he is THE ONE for you:
Before I started coaching women on how to be more successful with men and relationships, I started out in the world of men's dating advice. I spent about 8 years coaching men on the qualities that women look for in men.
Well ... at least the qualities women SHOULD look for in men. You want to spot any of his faults, but also know his strengths.
So let me share a few of the essential character qualities you want to look for. (And in case you're wondering, these are the same ones I coach my own son on every day. So you can be sure they are for real!)
Yes, it goes without saying that you can't have a strong relationship where there is no honesty. In fact, I usually leave "Trust" out as a quality, because if you have the honesty, the trust comes naturally.
Your man has to stick to the truth-telling side if you're going to have a lasting, loving relationship with him. If you detect that he's playing loose with the facts to protect himself, or cover up his problems, you have to nip that in the bud, as they say.
Again, he's got to be a reasonably well-intentioned communicator. Guys will fumble and fall when it comes to communicating their feelings and needs, but they can be trained!
Communication ties in directly with your method of handling conflict in your relationship. If your styles do not match (i.e., you get loud and emotional, and then he goes silent) you will find that you have a long challenging road ahead of you.
He doesn't have to be great at communication, but he does have to show the desire to get better. That's all you really need.
Look, we all know life can get crazy. And you need a guy that has a solid foundation in himself - a guy that's stable. You need to be able to lean on him and depend on him.
This also goes for mental health issues. If you find yourself dating a guy who may have some personality issues or psychological problems, you also want to know he's got this under control with treatment of some kind.
If you want to be happy with this guy through the years - married or not - you have to choose a guy who is capable of being open with you (instead of closed off) - AND he has to show you that he's capable of growth.
If the guy you're with isn't growing, he's withering and dying. And that will always hurt your relationship in the process.
Now, of course there are many other character signs to look for, but these are essential. Without them, you don't stand a chance.
When it comes to the question of compatibility, you want to be sure your man is someone that will complement you - which means he will embrace and improve you by being with you. The same way the right wine goes with the right meal.
I like to say that you two fit together like Lego blocks that make a good fit together.
This means that you don't really have to think or consider "compatibility" at all. You just feel whole and grounded in your relationship with him because you really fit well with each other. You even know that the things that do not match between you (you like dreamy New Age music, and he still loves his 1990s Eminem albums...) don't really matter too much. You just deal with it.
There's also an ease of being with him that you never feel like you need to question. No over-analysis, you just go along with the good feelings.
There's also a comfortable atmosphere around you both. You never feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him, and the fights you have are not heavy on drama.
It should go without saying that your man must be free of unhealthy addictions. These days, there's quite a list of them:
It goes without saying that we live in a time where we have LOTS of spare time - and lots of distractions. It seems like it's easier than ever to fall victim to these addictions.
You want your man to be relatively free of these kinds of behaviors. Addiction can cause havoc in any relationship, especially if you find a guy that doesn't have them under control.
Not all behavioral addictions meet the classic definition of a physical addiction - like alcohol or drugs. For example, I do not believe that sex is an addiction - it's more of an unhealthy obsession.
But even these "non standard" addictions do share many of the psychological and social signs of addiction. And they also respond well to traditional types of addiction treatment.
If you detect addiction at the start, it's far better to distance yourself from the relationship, and THEN try to help him - instead of the other way around. It's very easy to become stuck in "rescue" mode for guys like this, and it's not where you need to be.
One thing that researchers find over and over again is that guys who are more classically "manly" are also the ones that women do better with in long term relationships. Those "caveman" qualities really do turn out to be a good polarity for you to seek in your relationships.
Now, by "manly" I mean the guys that have certain features that give away his genetics and his level of testosterone.
Some of these secret signals are:
It's been shown time and time again that if you share the same vision of the future with your significant other, there's a good chance you'll stay together for the long-run.
I can safely tell you that this is one of the key success factors in my own marriage. If Jen was not on the same page as me, we'd have clashed constantly. And I know for a fact I would NOT have married her.
I learned over 25 years of dating that I would never stay with someone that I was not really in sync with. It's way too much work to be in a relationship where you clash all the time.
As you might imagine, this also extends into child-rearing. You have to know that he is going to support you when it comes to the raising of your kids.
AND - he has to know you will do the same!
Choose a guy who WANTS to be a dad, and you'll find that things go WAY easier down the road.
Another of the many ways that relationships work is when we don't shield our partner from our TRUE self. If you're hiding behaviors or things about yourself from him in the hopes that this will make you more "acceptable" and that he won't leave, you're wrong.
The best pattern for a developing relationship is to take things slow at the start - but still be your real self. Don't be afraid to show some of your quirks as you go - and more of them later. If he doesn't love the odd stuff, he's not The One for you.
After a few months, you better be getting REALLY real with him, or it's a sign. Whether it's anxiety about if he will accept you, or the fear that you're not really connecting that well, you need to know.
When you feel like you can admit to your faults and mistakes, and you don't fear the reaction from him, you're probably in a very secure relationship.
It takes a really unique and wonderful kind of trust and closeness to not fear the reactions of being HUMAN in your relationship. You'd be surprised to know how many relationships are built on the pretense of "perfect partners." Where each person is busy presenting the ideal person to their partner in fear of them leaving.
And it also speaks to the stability of your own emotions and lack of anxiety.
Your partner MUST support you. They might feel they have to point out some things you might not have thought of, but they will support you in what you want to do.
On the other hand, if you suspect that this guy isn't as loyal as you thought, you should definitely question if you want to risk your future with him.
Always command respect, and definitely never settle for anything less than complete loyalty.
Without a doubt - you want a man that has a heart.
He's gotta be kind and compassionate, or you're going to feel very cold & alone in the relationship. It's this heart-centered way about him that will make a huge difference in many of the other things I've mentioned here so far.
And even if you have most of what I've listed, without kindness & compassion, you're probably not going to do well together.
Yeah, you gotta have a guy that can listen to you.
Now this doesn't mean he should listen to you when you stand in front of Sunday football adamantly announcing "we need to talk!" No, that's just poor planning. (If you feel the need to punish him this way, there's probably more wrong going on anyway.)
You want a guy that will be listening to you the whole week BEFORE football Sunday so that you don't feel the compulsion to hit him like this.
If he's listening to you (most of the time), he's a keeper.
You may have had a boyfriend in the past that you just knew was good-to-the-core.
Yeah, these are the kind of people that can really make you sick.
I'm kidding, kind of. They can make your eyes roll on occasion as you try to figure out how they got to be so perfect. Rest assured, they've got their issues - but the good news is that it's usually pretty weak stuff.
If you don't let his perfection drive you crazy with insecurity - you just might have found "The One."
Look, if you're being really truthful, you could have probably seen the relationship problems with the guys you'd dated in the past if you'd been looking. There were always those tiny signals that he was just ... off.
As they say, where there's smoke, there's fire.
But when you're with a guy who gives you no reason to suspect, distrust, or worry, you've found someone pretty solid. That's worth a lot when it comes to your future with him.
I'll be the first to admit it, sometimes I was jealous of my relationship partners. They may have had more success, nicer families, healthier childhoods... whatever.
But when you feel yourself actually proud of your partner, you've found someone that doesn't activate your feelings of insecurity. And that's something important to consider when it comes time to align yourself with a copilot on your adventure of life - and love.
We men love to protect women. It's an instinctual thing that reaches into the very core of our being.
Now, most women don't need the kind of protection they once did. But that doesn't mean that he won't be able to make you feel safe.
In fact, he should! You should NEVER feel emotionally or physically unsafe with your guy. Quite the opposite - he should make you feel like you're contained in all the right ways.
And that safe space is also your launching off point to grow and become the best you can be for him.
The fact is that you want to be a priority for him. It's the way you figure out your value to him, after all.
If he's choosing anything over you, it makes you wonder if this is the relationship you want. It makes you wonder - Is he The One For you?
So when a man makes you his priority, that's a big sign of his feelings for you. Men are notoriously selfish with their time, but we will have no problem spending time with the woman that we love.
He may have other priorities that come up from time to time, but you'll keep returning to his #1 if he's the one for you.
One thing I've noticed consistently in many couples that stay together and are happy is that they never had to really push each other to commit. It was a natural process to move forward with the relationship.
So when you see signs of reluctance, you certainly shouldn't panic. It doesn't mean you won't be together. There are some people that just need time to get on board with the whole commitment thing. (And it's why I created The Cupid Effect - to show you how to get a reluctant guy to move forward with you...)
If he's making future plans with you, you can bet he sees that future with you.
And that's a great sign he's The One.
Of course, there are lots of signals that tell you what a guy is thinking and feeling about you...
All these signals are easy to learn - IF you know how to read him!
There's an easy way to understand what he's telling you - especially if he's not talking about it. You have to learn how to read his signals...